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This is bothering me...I moved out with our kids over a week ago. My AH has a lot of junk. Seriously. He is a hoarder. I have begged and pleaded with him to clean during the last 11 years of living together. He has finally decided to clean up AFtER we move out! How ironic. :(
Maybe he has finally hit rock bottom. I don't know what his bottom is anymore. He has lost his job and his family. Why did it have to come to this for him to possibly see the light? I try not to think about it. But it hurts.
Hi, newlife: I have learned that no matter what my A does or doesn't do - or anybody else for the matter - I can only speculate on why they do what they do. I'll never know the truth because I can't see into the heart or mind of another person. By keeping the focus on myself, checking my own motives, and making changes that are right for me helps me experience increasing serenity and enjoyment one day at a time. Keeping my attention on my A just keeps me spinning my wheels in the mud of his business and emotionally fragile and raw.
The manipulative mind of an A can do this to try to entice you back. It also may have nothing to do with you. But the real problem hasn't been addressed, I'm guessing, because, as grateful said, we can only guess as to motive, etc. I note that you even said "possibly see the light"
Keep working your program. We are still powerless over alcohol. That's the only thing that I truly know about my relationship these days. Even though my AW is in good recovery, she and I are still both powerless over alcohol.
Yeah my exAH did lots of things after we left, but oh well they needed done with us there or not and I want him happy and healthy even though it could not be with me. What is next for me, what do I want to do with my day and life. It all comes together in time with keeping the focus on me. My face to face meeting is tonight and it is my favorite night of the week for sure! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It may be my suspicious mind but to me this is his attempt at telling you that hey hes okay now, he learned a lesson and look what he can do. Manipulation of this kind I fell for over and over again. Its amazing how quickly he has pulled himself together, dont you wonder how much of his behaviour was about control?
And the house may be clean, or cleaner, right now but how long will it stay that way? Just like how many A's go on the wagon and "will never drink again" if willpower were enough to make big changes, we'd see a lot more big changes in life.
Sounds to me as if it's part of that syndrome where they show off -- "See how well I'm doing without you? Don't you wish you had some of perfect me? But nooooo, you left, didn't you?" My A never said that in as many words, but that was the unspoken message. Then I'd think, "Well, here's what I've been wanting all along, why should I turn it down?" I didn't realize how small the chance of permanent changes was when the person doesn't embark on a real three-dimensional program of recovery. The shiny new life went back to the bad old life pretty quickly.
I guess the old Al-Anon saying applies -- He's going to do what he's going to do what are you going to do?
You've received great responses and I can also relate!
All the manipulation becomes incredibly confusing until I see the same theme. I used to refer to those moments as my exAH waiting to extend help after I've already drowned. In others who do this - it is a complete lack of empathy or a mean streak. To try and understand their motives any further starts chipping away at my self-esteem as, with my experiences, these people are not open to anything other than their distorted perception (it serves them in some way and it serves them further if fed attention). Now I recognize them as hooks for engaging in the madness; and, I have developed a keen sensitivity to hook aversion. I hand it to my HP as many times as needed until I truly let go.
Bud I totally agree with you. It is like he is offering help after I have already drowned. It's so insulting really. He is asking me about silly little things like rugs and if I want them or not! Hard to explain these crazy dynamics. I am going to my meeting in the morning. I can't wait. Al anon has changed my life. Thanks everyone for your wisdom!!!
