The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm really looking for some help here guidance I should say . I got my self in a pickle. My regrets denial shame guilt has ruled my life for as long as I can remember . I took my books out again reading the Alaon on way to me it's the only way I know I can find a grounded way to living my life the way I should be and trying to keep my high power along my side . I seen to lose my higher power a lot these day which leads me to make wrong choices . I still live in my room more than I should my guilt is I'm not taking care of number 1 me . Since my husband became sober the house has changed , we all go about our lives in different ways . My children are trying to heal they love being with me even they hate admitt it . Last summer me moving upstair was a safe haven for me for me to work my program and keep the drink away from me . I just started to go back to Therepy because Alaon isn't enought for me and my sititutions at home I need more support. I have finally detached myself from my husband , totally and with love but as a friend not as a wife , I don't have those feelings for him that a wife should have and it's a shame . My spouse has now been a very dry drunk and there's no mistaking it at all he knows it to. The abuse will keep going on until the first step made to divorce. He blames Alaon for this because the whole process of detaching and staying on my side of the street he feels it made me not want to walk on the wild side with him again. I lost my feeling towards my spouse years ago I care for him but don't love him. You all have my total permission to be disapointed in me it's ok maybe it will help me and wake me up . I found a gentleman by chance that is like me . Dealing with his wife he just divorced . I met him In church this man has never heard of Alaon and I started to talk to him about how I over came unhappyness then I told him it was my fellowship that has carried me this far . I gave him a copy of hours and days and a extra book I felt that I didn't need the book anymore since I have many at home and he gave me hug , I felt like wow who does that beside me . So sorry for this to be so long . I been talking to this gentleman. For months now every day several times aday , I have grown to like him . I feel so shameful, that my feelings for another man is so strong and the supported that I want to be with him . I'm not asking for anyone permission but I like to no if this is ok and normal to find love outside my marriage . I don't look at it as cheating we talked and 1 hug we are to codependent our children both have suffered from the alcholic and drugs and gambling on his side from his ex wife. One person told me I'm moving to fast give your sober husband a chance try marriage counsling try to save your marriage you got this far together with him . But this person also does not live with me and see what a dry drunk does . I think he is worst
Now then he was when he was wet . Should I feel guilty and shameful that I found happiness out side the box . Truly tell me what you all think my shin is tough these days .
Hi, Wisdom. Thank you for your honesty. Since you asked, I will also be honest. If it were me, I'd find this situation way too complicated for me. I'd also consider what kind of position I was putting my kids in by being married to their Dad and having a relationship to a man who is newly divorced. I'd also be concerned that I was trying to fill a void and that the man I knew who is recently divorced is also trying to fill a void. These kinds of relationships can often backfire and there is even more pain for a person to work through than they did with just the spouse. So, I'd want to stay away from a romantic relationship. Emotional affairs can be as devastating as physical ones. Considering the concerns you've had in relationship to your husband, I'd also be concerned about the potential for violence.
While I was divorcing my exAH I dove head long into a relationship and it back fired for me. My friends warned me about rebounding, but I wouldn't listen. For me it was a distraction instead of dealing with myself and becoming independent and self supporting, which I am now working on single and putting in the work into myself with face to face meetings. MIP, my sponsor and I got a new counseling session this week. It is important to bring our healthiest best us to the table for ourselves and those around us, otherwise we keep repeating our dysfunctions of old. I was very codependent and always had a boyfriend before I married exAh and dove right back in as soon as I filed. Now I am finally doing the work and it is hard and I trudge at times, but I now know me and am stable within me and feel like I am well on my way! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I know I thought the same thing the kids were in my mind while I was thinking about this for a while and thinking about it as I wrote . Yes I know all about back fire and the rebound . That's how my husband came to be but I new nothing of him just he was a escape goat from all my problem at the time . Not even knowing he was still married to. Again It doesn't feel like it be a mistake because I know this man so well we get along there no intimacy just shoulders to lean on and we talk about are differents and how things are today . I'm not running the marathon I'm talking my time I'm not looking for replacement I'm look in at what was never offered to me and that's trust love friendship no dictatorship no set time I'm looking at my freedom to chose my own path . But I truely do understand where y'all comming from and saying . I been alone for some time now I just wanted the chance to see what love is .. Again I listen to you all with a open mind and no judging I take all that's given to me and really look at it that's why I came here to get your opion . And just for the record not bashing but why can the dry drunk exployer his option and avenues with woman and I can't . Yes I know I sound like a child and I am I envy of what he can get and I can't .
(((Wisdom))) I understand. We can explore other options - just like they can, but do we really, really want to? In the end, we end up waking to ourselves, going to bed with ourselves, carrying ourselves through each day of our lives. I guess it all boils down to being true to ourselves in the long run. The question: "If I do this, how will I feel about myself?" is a question I've learned to ask of myself.
I've said this before, but I will again. There was a time when I really wanted a SO. By the time I reached my 50s I recognized the freedom I had and how much I valued it. At 65, I haven't changed my mind although I'm not closed to that possibility either. There was so much more I ended up doing with my life than I would have had I remarried or stayed married to my x. My HP knew better than I did what I needed. I want to send you encouragement, understanding and a whole bunch of hugs. Your honesty is so refreshing. Thank you for your trust.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of March 2014 09:36:52 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of March 2014 09:39:06 PM
Dear Wisdom I can so understand the attraction. Feeling the mutual support and understanding from this person can be so wonderful that we forget that we need to recover from the devastation of living with this dreadful disease. We need to develp new constructive tools to live by in order to have a healthy relationship and not repeat the former relationship.
Connect with this person as a program buddy, share mutual support but stay detached with program
((((Wisdom)))) read your posts as if you were someone else and see what you think. I did what you are doing now several times (relapses upon relapses) and I listened to the fellowship feed me back on it and then I was gonna do what I was gonna do exactly like the alcoholic/addict was showing me. The 4th step process stopped me long enough to find out about me and the condition I was in (sick and looking for healing by doing the same things over and over again expecting different results) and I learned about what it was that I was trying to bring into repeated relationships which was an unhealthy person, mind, body, spirit and emotions. I thought I needed someone else to complete me and I was wrong. I needed an other higher power than my relationships and I needed to love myself and not leave that task up to someone else. I had a long string of relationships who could never love me like I thought I wanted to be love and that still goes on except today my HP loves me unconditionally and so do I and the rest is icing on the cake. I have happiness today and it is an "inside" job and I have relationships in my life which I share that happiness with then I let them go. Since I learned to love myself and learned that I have a power greater than myself I have never been lonely. I was promised that by the fellowship and have found that true. My life is full to the brim with relationships and one of those I call a wife. No one is responsible for my peace of mind and serenity and happiness but me. That's my job.
If you're going to thru guilt and shame like I did you might want to inventory what you're doing against your own value system and do the right thing. ((((hugs))))
I had an affair when my kids were small and I wish I had not. I betrayed me, my spouse and my children and that is still hard for me to swallow sometimes after 30 years. I have many "reasons" why I did it, but it boiled down to neediness and selfishness on my part. I am not standing in your shoes and there is no judgment. I am concerned for what this may do to you, as I know from your posts you are a compassionate loving woman who is vulnerable. Pour yourself into your program and talk with a sponsor for daily guidance, if necessary.
Hi, Wisdom. Thank you for your honesty. Since you asked, I will also be honest. If it were me, I'd find this situation way too complicated for me. I'd also consider what kind of position I was putting my kids in by being married to their Dad and having a relationship to a man who is newly divorced. I'd also be concerned that I was trying to fill a void and that the man I knew who is recently divorced is also trying to fill a void. These kinds of relationships can often backfire and there is even more pain for a person to work through than they did with just the spouse. So, I'd want to stay away from a romantic relationship. Emotional affairs can be as devastating as physical ones. Considering the concerns you've had in relationship to your husband, I'd also be concerned about the potential for violence.
Hey Wisdom, I could not agree with this more....Grateful said EXACTLY my feelings as i read your post......You really need to , instead of relationships, hook up w/ as many meetings as you can...find a sponsor and find YOU...you hve no relationship with you so how do you think this could possibly work?? and i agree also that this is like the binger running to the refridge to fill their void, or the shopper going out and smoking their credit cards....instant gratification does NOT work.....it only burys you in deeper in the para-disease of codependency.......PLEASE get a sponsor, get to the meets...work the steps.....find the lost relationship with YOU.......please take what you like and leave the rest..
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
After spending time with someone affected by the disease, it is normal to feel like we've been traveling through a barren dessert and starved for attention and affection. Meeting someone with whom we relate can feel like an oasis and it's part of being human. Welcome back- it's good to feel alive, isn't it!?
I am often told that guilt and shame are not part of the alanon program, and, for that I am truly grateful. When I have these feelings, I have learned to stop and examine them more deeply.
When I am feeling needy, I try and step back for a better perspective. Often, I realize that my motive of having a distraction like this is to provide relief from a stressful situation and from not working on myself. I know that acting on my feelings may temporarily feel good but is not ultimately be in my best interest. Two people being together romantically who don't have "their own house in order" is complicated and like using each other as emotional airbags and the aftermath can be very damaging.
I agree with grateful that emotional affairs are just as devastating as physical ones. What this would tell me is that I need to fill an empty space with positive human contact and not just from one person. I do better staying grounded, enforcing my boundaries and employing detachment when i limit my time with that particular person.
Sending prayers for comfort, serenity, courage, and wisdom.
Thank you all for the Input . Again this bit me In the ass being open and honest my husband and his ways of reading everything of mine has been revealed . I have done nothing wrong . I grown apart from my husband and husband if your reading this to please be honest ., my choice to leave my AH was my choice . I can't find love in him like he wants me to when we been fighting for days over me wanting out. I'm tired of his checking up on me again which he has no reason to . I'm tired of his poor behavior surfacing and taking it out on me . The mental and verbal abuse again. So he decides to start his investigation and read my post on here about a gentalman I have feelings for . I am honest about it. My AH has decided he going to use all if this against me as a emotional affair which is worst then the dirty deed he did to me and take it to court and have my children taken from me and prove I'm unstable and what right do I have to fall for someone who just happen to walk I'm my life at the time this part of my life ending . I am keeping the focus on me and to clear the record to he does blame Alaon for this because this fellowship has helped me recovery from what the drink did to me . I'm not on a rebound I would not do that to some one else. I am making my chose and a healthy one to live a still abusive relationship that last night he agreed and own up to it and today he takes it back and wants to use it to harm me . Again he not healthy and him in my life and still is making me not healthy . This does not mean I can not be healthy for someone else who is respectful and wants to know me better. I am workin my program I'm putting myself and my higherpower over any one else . I'm taking care of me but I don't think I need to stop livening. and start making new friends male or female . In my life to complete my healing . AH still wants to control the my choses I Make . My AH ask me why you can find love from a stranger but not me . This is easy !! It's because this new friend is not out to control me or stop me from getting the help I need to move on and not forcing me to do anything I do t want to do . I can not love some one who continues to hurt me and use things against me because I won't stay with him AH . My dr had told me many times that this is a toxic marrage and not healthy for me to be in . I'm sorry I can't love my husband again and blames the outsider for making this happen when it was not the other friends fault . It was my AH dry behavior that caused this detachment no one else'. . I'm leaving this marrage for me to move on and get better not for any one else . And I'm tired if the AH guilt trip oh I drink again or why live now . I have a right to be happy healthy and move on without guilt from the AH that knows he sick and dry . Does not give him right to harm me
Dear Wisdom Yes you are correct you do deserve a healthy, supportive friendship and relationship.
Keep sharing, using your alanon tools, and trusting your HP . Recovery sounds and lookls good on you.
