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Hi Forgiveness
I was immediately struck by the fact that he called PROMISING to CHANGE. He was your soul mate, who depleted you and you have been separated after being together for 5 years. Promises to change are easy to speak--- changing is what counts. Actions not words work for me Remember alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless . It can be arrested but not cured.
I do hope you have found Face to Face alanon meetings in your community and are attending. It was here that I learned how to reestablish myself esteem and how to re learned how respond in a constructive manner for my own best interest.
If I had it to do over again, I'd wait until my A had at least a year of solid sobriety -- actually two or three years would be safer -- before I considered getting back together with him.
My A was always so convincing about his plans for the future. I'm sure he believed them himself, that's part of why he was so convincing. And of course he was telling me just what I longed to hear.
It's many years later and he's still drinking. I finally figured out to look at deeds not words.
Take good care of yourself.
-- Edited by Mattie on Sunday 16th of March 2014 10:56:11 PM
I did what I had to do with what I had; made no major decisions for 2+ years; Completed the divorce; she got clean and sober and then called me to do a 9th step; I made plans to come home to Hawaii and by accident met her in a Target store and we embraced which revealed that we loved each other still and had no reason to be married. I loved her and I like having her near and I didn't need her. Alcoholism and drug addiction are insane fatal diseases. I married her when I didn't want to and shouldn't have and it was that mistake I had to reconcile with...it was my amends to myself...I corrected a wrong doing. Just my ESH. ((((hugs))))
Yeah. That is common for alcoholics to do. They always want you hanging on to the person they "could be" rather than focusing on the person they are. They have an endless need to be "believed in" without believing in self and putting forth the effort. If you are entertaining it at all, I might tell him how pleased you are for him and you want to give him space for a year while he gets used to and aclimated to being a sober person and THEN maybe he will be marriage material. A person who is newly sober has a lot of work to do on themselves - It's not the time for them to be focused on getting married. On his behalf, I am guessing he is just looking for all the motivation he can to really stop but doesn't realize that the AA program and following it as suggested is all he needs to do. Prior to accepting this, alcoholic look for all sorts of things outside self to motivate them to stop drinking. None of them work. It is an inside job.
We will all tell you those promises are part of the alcoholic package and will continue to deplete your depletion, if you let them. It is a vampiric disease until you stop being the blood donor. Alcoholics won't stop taking, we have to stop allowing. Begin attending face to face meetings, embrace the al anon principles and LIVE them for you, then you will begin getting back your life force.
Mattie was exactly on point - what counts is "deeds, not words" - while I used to love hearing from my Son about how good it was gonna be for him, what I learned over time was that if I wasn't careful about how I listened to and responded to his big plans, they often gave me expectations that turned into resentments - now, I respond with an enthusiastic "that'd be great" when he tells me about his plans, and I don't really expect much if anything to really come from it - but when he actually does what he said he'd do, I say "WOW - that's great", and it's far more rewarding for both of us.
My exAh still would love it if I just dropped everything and ran back. Honestly I could not live they way I used to live with him and put up with the stuff of the past another day. I have changed, he has changed, but some things remain the same. Talk is cheap and action takes time and hard work. If you are seriously considering being with an exA I would watch for awhile with my eyes and stay detached. I about went under with the titanic if felt like to leave my exAH the last time and I am not up for the heartache and everything else that comes with it for another round. I am building myself a cozy little yacht and not going back even if I am only sitting in a life raft. I am free, I can breath fresh air and my memory is good. Write out the positives and negatives, if you wrote in a journal at all while you were together go back and reread it. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
One of things I learned in recovery is how much words mean to me and how easily they can hook me if I allow it. I have gotten so much better at paying attention to what somebody does. If words and actions don't match, I no longer pay attention to the words. With Al-Anon, my As didn't make many changes that weren't progressively worsening alcoholism, but I did. I've learned that the most I can hope for in relationship to my A are changes that come from me working my program.
