The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have attended Alanon for about 11 years but stop going about 5 months ago. It's been hard for me to go due to my schedule so I thought I would check out this forum.
I currently live with an active high functioning alcoholic. My marriage is almost at an end. We are going to try counseling at my husbands request. I feel so alone in all of this. I was at a point where I did not want to try counseling. Why bother. I'm almost at my wits end.
We've been together for about 26 years. I learned how to take care of me and not react but I'm reacting a lot again. I feel like a victim again. I'm scared and feel very alone.
Just typing this I'm realizing how much I need to make it a point to get back into Alanon. Sure would like some hear some feedback and feel hopefull again.
I am so glad that you found MIP and shared. Alanon meetings helped me to break the isolation caused by this disease and feel the support, understanding and compassion I needed in order to regain my sanity. We do have on-line meetings here 2xs a day
Please check them out and know that there is hope.
Hi
Here is all the infomration regarding the on line meetings.
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps. After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.
Group Business Meetings are held in this room on: The FIRST Sunday of each month at 8:30PM EST, (directly following the 7pm Sunday evening meeting.) Please join us for this meeting, as this is where the group comes together to make group related decisions.
Online e meetings are great, and so is the message board here. You can pick up lots of ESH here on these postings.
Also you can go to the chat room where the meetings are gel any time, and quite often there folks hanging out in there and chatting informally. I really like it.
Keep taking care of you. Rework your steps. Did you have a sponsor? If so perhaps your sponsor could keep meeting with you?
I am also new to the forum. I haven't been going to Al Anon long; a few months, a couple of handfuls of meetings. I am not sure if I should be going, but I am heart-broken, so I guess so...
I was involved with someone much younger, more inexperienced (me 51, my ex, 35) who escalated their own alcoholism in the the year and a half we were together. I had never dealt with addiction in any relationship before, especially alcohol, so missed some early warning signs, and believed when told it wasn't a problem. We have been broken up, on and off for the past year, but I am heart-broken, because we were each others best friends/supports/intimates. Over the holidays, I visited family for a month, then extended it for another 6 weeks because of the bad winter weather. The original day I flew out, my ex had decided to detox alone, again, (had detoxed inpatient a few times and alone/with my support a few times in past year) and since this can be dangerous, I was running through airports to my next airplane connections, talking on the phone, trying to 'be there' as much as I could, on the day I flew out. We missed each other, and I think I was missed more (I felt a relief not to be responsible for once) until I decided to stay longer because of the weather. Apparently, even though there was a relapse, with the New Year, sobriety basically settled in! But I was now more lonely as the long winter stretched out and was reaching out a bit mroe but being snubbed a lot, ignored, put off, and then, 2 weeks before I was to be back, got a Happy Birthday communication, and things seemed a little strained but at least there was contact. Then as we started communicating about my return, I heard from a friend that they had stuff of mine that my ex had had, like a computer, my cd collection, etc, from my ex, because it was a trigger-removal.
Since then, no contact. No closure. I got back and a mutual friend said that she had said I should at least get an explanation of what was going on, but nothing, no contact since just after my birthday.
I feel foolish that I am so heart-broken. I also spent time online, and with a couple of friends who tell me that one isn't supposed to change relationships, but that many have 'break-ups' at the beginning of sustained sobriety. I understand that I was enabling, but I care deeply for my ex. I wake every morning thinking or dreaming about her. I have been going about once a week to a meeting or other, but since my ex cut me off, am I even an al anon candidate since I no longer have any interactions? That mutual friend thinks I will never hear from my ex, though another, older, long in AA friend says eventually we will have contact. I have been remembering all the good times (I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder) and sweet remembrances, and came back here expecting our mutual affection to be rekindled and was slapped in the face with ostracism, rejection and abandonment. I am trying to understand, but don't know exactly what's up, except that I am now expected to 'let go' for some reason, even though I care more for this person than maybe anyone else. Sorry for such a long intro, but it's been 3 weeks since I have been back, and haven't stated it all together for anyone exactly. Oh, all our mutual friends know what's going on, most see us both separately now, so that's more awkwardness. I just don't know what to do. Or if there is anything to do, besides letting go?
Many of us don't have contact with our qualifier anymore. This is still the place.
Snowbird - I find it to be true that if you love someone, set them free and if they come back to you - it will be all the better. So no, I would not do anything other than let go and get involved in alanon.
I just wanted to welcome you and hope you'll feel comforted and supported here and at face to face Alanon meetingsl. Glad you found us and hope you'll keep coming back to share. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
This morning I woke up feeling more hopeful. I know I need to go back to Alanon and I plan to get to a meeting next week. I know they say to "say what you mean and mean what you say". I have been threatening to leave over and over but have not left. I need to stop this. Hopefully next week we will get into a marriage counselor at my husbands request.
Welcome Lynn,
I know how you feel and this message board and the online meetings saved my sanity when I couldn't get to enough f2f meetings. In our little town we only have one meeting a week. More meetings are too far to get to weekly, so when I need more, I come here to get and give support. You are not alone. We are always here.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am so grateful you came thru the door of MIP Lucy cause your experience teaches when the mind is open. I learned "If you keep and open mind you will find help". And after I heard and learned and wanted that promise to come true I made a commitment to get all of the interference to the program out of the way and just listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. One of the things I practiced was attachement with and to the program for that period of time where I was learning and didn't and wouldn't disrupt the process with major decisions. I committed my self to this different way of life and then made the decisions thru the changes in me and the outcomes were better and most acceptable than I could have imagined without the program. Stay with your program and now MIP...practice, practice, practice and tie a leash to your HP and keep coming back to teach us and remind us how its coming out for you. I learned in recovery that there are other alternatives to fear than flight or fight and two of them are acceptance and humility first...Letting go and Letting God and getting teachable.
Its good to have you hear...selfishly I get another teacher/mentor...cool!!...and I get to experience another Miracle In Progress. (((((hugs)))))
My husband use to be my higher power and still is at times. I am working on trying to look at God as my higher power. I recently started going to church about 2 months ago and I also go to Celebrate Recovery, which is a faith based recovery group.
After church I had a feeling of overwhelming anxiety. I was afraid my husband was going to be mean to me and I would react to it in hurt and fear. I imagined God was in the back seat of my car with me and I prayed for him to remove my anxiety and take my hand and hold it while I walk into my home. Everything was fine. I was afraid for nothing. But as you know living in an alcoholic home you never know what kind of mood they will be in.
I'm learning once again not to be a victim and to treat the alcoholic with love and compassion but also set boundaries if needed. I just got up from a nap and my husband asked me if I changed my clothes and that I need to spray and comb my little dog down. He is highly allergic to my dog. I told him I did change my clothes even though I really did not. He proceeded to unzip my jacket to see if I had any dog hair on me. I felt violated. It put me back in fear/victim mode again. I did not like the fact he did not take my word for it.
It's been an on going battle with my little dog Luke. I've had him for about a year and I have to vacuaum every other day, mop the floors, dust the house, bathe my dog, spray and comb him out, change the bedding on the sofas. It's a lot of work. I already told my husband that me and Luke are a package. I will never give my dog up. It's been an easy choice because of the way I have been treated by my husband. I know it may sound selfish but I love my dog more than him sometimes. My dog treats me nicely and doesn't call me names.
I'm sure as I grow in the program, I may have a different perspective on the whole thing, maybe not. We shall see how marriage counseling works out and me continuing to work the Alanon program.
Hi folks. Well that was a cathartic post for me. I am doing much better; that night after this post, I googled 'in love w my alcoholic ex' and realized it was okay to have those feelings, and not to beat myself up for it, and that I was indeed idealizing, especially after I made a list of pros (10) vs. cons (47) w my ex, that was very enlightening, and reminded me of all the sucky times, and that the reality was often pretty bad. Thanks for all the support, sorry I didn't get back to you, I live out in a rural area with no inet, so only get online occasionally
Glad to hear that snowbird! I hope it keeps getting better from here. I hope you can get to some Al Anon meetings as well to be able to process some of this stuff.
But I was now more lonely as the long winter stretched out and was reaching out a bit mroe but being snubbed a lot, ignored, put off, and then, 2 weeks before I was to be back, got a Happy Birthday communication, and things seemed a little strained but at least there was contact. Then as we started communicating about my return, I heard from a friend that they had stuff of mine that my ex had had, like a computer, my cd collection, etc, from my ex, because it was a trigger-removal. 
I wake every morning thinking or dreaming about her. 
I have been going about once a week to a meeting or other, but since my ex cut me off, am I even an al anon candidate since I no longer have any interactions? That mutual friend thinks I will never hear from my ex, though another, older, long in AA friend says eventually we will have contact. I have been remembering all the good times (I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder) and sweet remembrances, and came back here expecting our mutual affection to be rekindled and was slapped in the face with ostracism, rejection and abandonment. I am trying to understand, but don't know exactly what's up, except that I am now expected to 'let go' for some reason, even though I care more for this person than maybe anyone else. Sorry for such a long intro, but it's been 3 weeks since I have been back, and haven't stated it all together for anyone exactly. Oh, all our mutual friends know what's going on, most see us both separately now, so that's more awkwardness. I just don't know what to do. Or if there is anything to do, besides letting go?