The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been lurking on this board for several years and had to finally delurk. I chose the name Starting Again because I feel like I am always starting over at step one. My husband is an alcoholic. That is hard for me to write. I found out 8 years ago when he told me. He was very good at hiding it. Over the year he has stopped and relapsed many times and had one DUI. The last relapse that I know of was on the 11th. When I know there is alcohol hidden in the house and I ask him how he's doing regarding AA he lies and says fine, the meetings help, etc. I finally realized THIS TIME that I need to stop asking. I know I can't believe what he says so why ask the question. It is so hard to accept that I really can't make him stop-hence my going back to step one over and over again. I feel like I need to do it every single day, sometimes more than once. I realize that I will never know for sure if he is drinking or not so I have to make decisions to protect myself and our children, such as not allowing him to drive us, etc.
I have a question about detachment. Detachment feels so unnatural to me. It is hard to let go of my wanting to help him. How do you detach and still feel connected to someone? Can there still be a connection, intimacy in a marriage with detachment? How does that work?
I have been to several face to face meetings but it is hard for me to feel comfortable leaving my children home. For now I plan to keep participating on this board.
Aloha Starting and welcome to the board...good first attempts we all start from the first step. Detachment is an art form and living with boundaries around a practicing alcoholic is something different. Alcoholism affects (negatively) everything (one) it come into contact with. Don't attempt the impossible as we have found out that it doesn't work. It's okay to provide distance where ever and when ever when you don't want to deal with the disease...He will already know so you won't have to explain about the margin and distance you're giving yourself. He knows he is alcoholic and knows from many resources that very often it causes deep problems. Don't act as if it doesn't...we would call that acting out denial.
Detachment for me was and is living with the awareness that the disease is alive and well and that my alcoholic/addict and myself and family were being affected and not making it "the issue" in my life. I stopped fighting it and learned how to know when it was my wife in the room or my alcoholic and behaving, thinking, feeling appropriately. When my wife was there she was alcoholic and not under the influence of the mind and mood altering chemical as if she had been drinking. I could and did relax my barriers some. When the alcoholic was in the room in didn't act as if she was sober or well put together. I didn't get into "rational" discussions with an "irrational" person. I didn't try to alter her will to get her to participate in something with me I made plans for myself and went about doing those things not because of her and just because they were my intentions. I loved her and was compassionate and empathetic without being patronizing or a twit. Learning how to detach was one of the best lessons I learned in program from the fellowship and my sponsorship. Detachment isn't abandonment...Its deciding which part of the picture I wanted to be in. I left her to her responsibilities and took care of my own. Stuff we did together was determined by the condition.
Keep coming back cause this works when you work it" ((((hugs))))
Welcome So happy that you "delurked" and had the courage to share. We do have on- line meetings here 2xs a day and that might help you to connect and feel more comfortable at the Face to Face. Give it a try
Welcome and just wanted to share that like so many of us I find detachment very difficult as well; like anything very difficult it takes practice. Nothing we do, say, don't do or don't say will effect whether our As drink. Of course, there's knowing and understanding that---and then there's LIVING it.
I also found the face to face meetings tough at first, for various reasons. This site and the meetings here helped me a lot, and now I have a weekly face to face that feels like home also.
betty, can you tell us how to attend on line mtgs. . i too have difficulty getting to f2f mtgs . . how do on line mtgs work and when are they? and, as for detachment and marriage. . let me say. i practice and re practice detachment everday in my marriage. i like the idea that jerry shared. .the only way i have a shot at a relationship with my ah while detaching is to remind myself who is in the room , or not, with me at the time. for example, tonight my alc husband is out fir the nute with his drinkining pals and may or may not go to a family gathering with me tomirrow. earlier in the day and friday nite my husband was home having dinner, watching a movie and the today took us to lunch and ran errands, as a family. thats how i "did" detachment the past two days. keep sharing and reading. ((()))
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I absolutely have to go to steps 1,2,3 every single day and there are days I do them more than once .. it can be min by min. I'm glad you are here. Do you read any of the Alanon lit? A really terrific book that will give you a great start into what the program is about is How Alanon Works, you can get it on Amazon for 5$ plus shipping. The readers run about 7 - 11$ they provide hope and explain things in a way that can help alter my mind for the start of the day. If I am struggling with a question sometimes they can offer help to me with that issue I'm struggling with. The other books that are inexpensive and easy to read .. all of the Getting Them Sober series .. Toby Rice Drews breaks things down in a way that is Alanon (although not CAL approved) and easy to understand. Vol 1 is a great place to start.
There are some download pamphlets on detachment here too. Those are great reads packed with lots of information.
I hope you will attend meetings here and venture out if you can to face to face meetings they really do make a difference.
My perfect place of detachment is being able to realize what is his stuff, what is my stuff and let go of needing to try to fix, manage and control the outcome of the situation. I don't do well at this all of the time .. there are other times I'm very able to do so .. it is a process .. the better I get .. the better I can detach. It is easier for me in the regards to how I feel because I am no longer with my qualifier. However .. when it comes to the kids having to deal with him .. I struggle in that department .. I'm having to trust my children to know best and that is really hard at times. It will come as I adjust to the new schedule .. we will see how that works out.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I really knew that I knew detachment when my spouse got cancer. I was 7 years in AlAnon by then and I thought I knew all about AlAnon by then. I learned a lot more since then. But I had to have detachment or go crazy when he was given 2 months to live. First of all, he was panicked and couldn't talk straight anyway. And I knew I was not inside his body and had only a faint idea what he was going through. I couldn't feel his pain and he couldn't talk about it. (By the way, he lived and that cancer is considered gone. It was in 2007.)
I applied the detachment of alcoholism to the detachment of cancer. I couldn't feel his pain. He couldn't talk in a reasonable way about it either. I didn't purposefully go into detachment for the alcoholic with a set of things that I had to do or feel. I just learned the program of AlAnon and tried to work it in a way that I felt was correct for me and my circumstances.
There is a set of "G" sentences that have to do with detachment. I hope someone else can fill in what I forget.
1. Get out of the way.
2. Get to meetings.
3. Get off his back.
4. Get back to your HP.
Oh, there are a bunch more but I can't remember them all.
Ocean, There are two links to the chat room on this page. One is on the upper left hand corner of the page, and the other says "chat room entrance" on the bar at the top of the page.
The schedule for the meetings on that page.
When you get to the page select a name for yourself and enter. During meeting if you want to share you can type ! when asked to share to raise your hand.
You can also enter the page outside of meeting times and there are quite often people hanging there. I like chatting as much as the meetings, there are some wonderful people there.
And welcome Starting Again. Lots of good ESH for you here!
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Saturday 15th of March 2014 09:52:15 PM
I have a question about detachment. Detachment feels so unnatural to me. It is hard to let go of my wanting to help him. How do you detach and still feel connected to someone? Can there still be a connection, intimacy in a marriage with detachment? How does that work?
********************** detachment does NOT mean you don't care, it means you stop beating your head against the wall over someone ELSES lessons in life....it means you care, but you will no longer absorb his problems, aide him when he gets arrested, sick, or some other consequence of his drinking
If you choose to stay w/him being an active alcoholic, you are gonna NEED to learn detachment...to live your own life for you......i would attend daily meets, get a sponsor, work the steps w/ sponsor and focus only on you...your children need one of you to be in 1 piece and it looks like u r the one......if he does not quit this, his health will suffer, he will lose his job, get legal troubles if he drives and drinks and you said hes already had one DUI......he is going to keep going down hill until one of two things happen..........he dies from this OR gets int AA and stops the drinking....he is drinking is own 80 proof death b/c eventually his liver and major organs will begin to give out......I do hope you work on you...stop focusing on him, it will be what it will be...turn him over to his God an work on you.....i am glad you decided to actively work alanon....it is YOUR life raft......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps. After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.
Group Business Meetings are held in this room on: The FIRST Sunday of each month at 8:30PM EST, (directly following the 7pm Sunday evening meeting.) Please join us for this meeting, as this is where the group comes together to make group related decisions.
A way that helps me to think about detachment (or to try to get into the habit of doing it, and keep doing it), is to remind myself that I am not my qualifier's HP (higher power). He has his own HP, or not, it's not up to me. I'm not omnipotent and I can't fix my qualifier. This is something I read practically daily on here and it has REALLY helped me. This helps me detach almost instantly.
Part two of this, is once I re-remember yet again (because it's so hard to get into this habit of detachment and stay there!), then I go and do for myself, or give to myself whatever it is I believe I needed my qualifier to give to me, which is usually simply peace, love and understanding. I go do something for myself that reinforces peace, love and understanding. If I'm at work and can't do anything fun, I try to remember to be kind and loving towards myself and not beat myself up.
A reconnection with my qualifier can happen once I have regained a bit of sanity and been reminded that I'm not his HP. It might not be the same kind of intimacy though. As they say, A+B=C, but if you change either A or B, the outcome will be different. If you are B, and you learn the art of detachment, then "C" will also change. It might mean a better relationship, or no relationship.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Sunday 16th of March 2014 12:32:44 AM
If you can't tell when he's drinking, then detachment could just be you stopping trying to figure it out. Most significant others can smell alcohol a mile away and they know. You do you best to base your interactions on how he treats you and not on the drinking persay. You detach from that. Don't ask or inquire cuz you don't want to know anyhow. Trust me, if he stops he will want a blue ribbon from you and will tell you. You also could be freed up to be more loving if you stop doing things for him that he can do for himself. I don't read ways that you are enabling but this often in the case in relationships with alcoholics. If he wants to have the dignity to make his own destructive choices than he can also handle the fallout on his own or make it so the fall out doesn't take you down as much. Completely seperate car insurance. Maybe take the house out of his name. Dunno, but these are just some of the things I have heard of being agreed upon knowing that one partner is going to drink alcoholically (possibly drive and wreck into someone) and the other is setting boundaries to protect assets.
For me DETACHMEVT simply means Minding My Own Business.-- Staying in my own Hula Hoop-- Keeping the focus on MYSELF- My Life, My responsibilities and turning everyone else over to HP
Thank you everyone for all of your kind words and information. I am trying to process a lot. I do have many of the al anon CAL and have been reading but reading and applying are two different things as I am learning. I am going to print out this page and read it as I need to daily to remind me of what I need to do for me (and my children).
Thanks for sharing. As far as detachment, I think it's one of the most difficult tools of the Alanon program to work consistently. Learning more about the concept of alcoholism as a "disease," really has helped me. Also, realizing that the alcoholic's journey to sobriety is ultimately their own; as lonely as that can feel for loved ones who only want to help end that suffering. I've repeatedly failed at trying to fix others or bend their will to my own. I can neither force someone onto the road to sobriety, serenity and sanity nor can I cause them to relapse in their recovery. To me, 12 step recovery is a very personal journey of surrender led by a power greater and more knowing about what is best than any human "fixer" could ever be. Our Alanon 3Cs affirm this and free me to let go and let god - I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. When I see detachment is way, it gives me a sense of comfort to know that I don't have to be uncaring to detach just continue my own Alanon recovery with my higher power guiding me which includes separating out the person (alcoholic) from their illness and being mindful of why I choose to care about them.
"Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but the agony of involvement." For me, this means I have a choice as to whether I want to advance into a battle of wills with the alcoholic by reacting to insane words and actions that wound my well-being and his/hers or step back and use of the tools of the program like the slogan THINK before speaking or just saying You may be right as a way to call a truce, walk away and keep my own personal power to be serene.
When I was new, I thought these actions mean't I was being wishy washy instead of making it clear that I wasn't going to put up with unacceptable behavior. Now I believe I was only giving the drinker an additional adrenyln rush by engaging in an argument with them. The last thing I would want to do is help create a physiological dynamic that would elevate their substance abuse experience in the moment by participating in sick behavior with them.
Separating the person from their disease and remembering what qualities that person has which have kept you with them, has helped me concerning intimacy. I believe it holds true for the A with as well concerning us. They are more than their substance abuse and we are are more than our reactions to it. There's hope for all of us. :) Thanks for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 16th of March 2014 10:19:21 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
