Frustrated - Al-Anon Family Group

bora · Newbie

Frustrated

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I was perfection at silence. I still am very good at silence. I don't say anything because I don't want to start a fight. And I refuse to talk about the weather all the time. That doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. I had to find other places to have an opinion. Talking about his drinking is going to start a fight, but you didn't know that was the subject. You were being friendly and it blew up in your face. How were you to know? And talking like a moral queen? Well, how else is it going to come off? You are on a topic he doesn't want to talk about with you.

None of this is going to change.....ever! It will be like this (or worse) next week and the next and the next... You can fill your time by diving into your work.... and you can find AlAnon in your area and find some friends who totally understand like no one else can. Stay on this website too.

Take care of yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Bora

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone and the situation you describe is typical interaction in an alcoholic relationship. It appears that you understand that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Staying detached and focused on ourselves is how we recover from these terrible encounters.

I'm glad you found us and shared.. As you know Al-Anon has face-to-face meetings in most communities and it is here that I found the support, understanding and fellowship that I needed in order to regain my self-esteem and self-respect. We also have online here two times a day and I urge you to join.

Connecting with others who understand this few others can and breaking the isolation is essential to your well-being. Please keep coming back there is hope

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha ((((Bora)))) first things first...You are not allowed to "beat up on Bora" (said with love and kindness...not scolding) the disease is already having at you more than you know and can stand. I was taught the same thing when I first got into Al-Anon. I was suicidal and beating the hell out of myself for being as "dumb as a stick". I didn't know about alcoholism or alcoholic and wouldn't have been able to spell either when I first got into recovery....and I was born and raised in the disease. We learn a lot from others in the program who have gone before us and come back to share their Experience Strength and Hope (ESH) with us so we can learn what they know. I was blessed and I was crazy and the last word of our 2nd step is "sanity". Aaaaaaha!!! Frustration is common for those who are affected by someone elses drinking and you have a few more items attached to it...it isn't only about his drinking huh? My identity use to be tied up in my alcoholic/addicts behaviors also and I knew frustration like I had a degree in it. I hated being frustrated as in HATED!! and I had a great sponsor at that time to help me understand the process. He told me that if I hated the consequences of feeling certain feelings to choose the opposite feeling and get the opposite result. ROCKET SCIENCE I thought he was crazier than I was, but then what the hell did I have to loose other than a few more brain cells. I learned that the opposite of frustration for me is PATIENCE. Today when I get frustrated for any reason...I slow way down and employ patience with myself in the subject that is weirding me out. Guess what? I get level and calm and my vision gets better. I also get more time to reach out to others like my MIP family hear and listen and learn more about how they have been doing on the subject and then I practice what they have been doing. I end up doing something different and that brings change...for me. The others who might be part of the problem also can go figure out their own solutions if they are not into anything I've learned. So the opposite of frustration is patience...not forcing the issue or trying harder or beating up on Bora or anyone else. Keep coming back here and look for the Al-Anon meetings in your area so you can get help. (((((hugs))))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

You've got a lot going on and you sound overwhelmed. If you haven't found in person alanon meetings, I really recommend them. The atmosphere is welcoming and there are are solutions to be found in working the 12 steps. You aren't stuck. Living with someone who drinks can undermind your self worth. Alanon meetings are a great place to go instead of sitting at home waiting for the alcohol to come back. It was good self care for me to join other people who wanted to keep growing healthy emotionally, spiritually and physically. They accepted me just as I am and love me without condition.

The alcoholic in your life is going to do whatever they are going to do. When an alcoholic hasn't given up drinking their number one priority is continuing to drink and whatever it takes to keep that going they'll likely do. I would gently suggest you regard your physical body as your sacred home and protect it and heart. You can make choices that honor yourself. You are worthy of respect, true friendship and love. You'll be given these without condition in the rooms of the program. One day at a time you may find yourself feeling a little stronger and confident in your ability to make decisions about your future. Keep coming back, it works. (((hugs))) TT

bora · Newbie

Hey, I want to say thank you so much. I thought as I reread what I wrote last night over and over again that I just sounded odd. Why would anyone reply to something that sounded so mixed up?! I thought. And then it made me cry this morning just reading the replies. I feel like they are gifts. Thoughtful & insightful. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I have just started to attend the meetings secretly after 9 years in this relationship. At first in this relationship my partner was my fellow escapee. I was bowled over by the freedom he offered answering to no one and nothing. Now often i feel captured. I realise I am responsible for my own happiness am fiercely independent in many ways but as the contradiction is I feel so entrenched in this relationship too that I am more like a child. Guilt is the prevailing emotion. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Hearing those words - I can't control it, change it, cure it, (which I had heard before many times as I worked kinda in this field -doh!) I finally, finally got it at my first meeting. The true meaning of that. I'm still working a lot of it out. A terrible thought i have regularly is if i stay with this man I am thinking that my gift to the world would be to not have children and destroy a line of alcoholics that runs back generations on both sides. I wonder if anyone can identify with that??? I think it regularly but have never spoken it aloud to another soul. Who am I to make such choices? To think like this? Control issues much?!?! I love the idea of turning an feeling into an opposite. Constantly I am silent, still & afraid when there is drink (and sometimes when there is not) but inside I am a mass of neuroses and anger, well you all know, I think. But I have never actually tried to turn that physically inside out, i would like to try. What an amazing suggestion. Protection too. I really have to work at that. Let it go, let it go, let it go... Thank you all for your kind and considerate replies. Xxx

Chinook Daddy · Member

The beautiful thing about Alanon and its people and rooms is that they always make you feel better! It is your life and ours, while all separate, they parallel in the most unique ways you never expected. Trust in the steps and get a sponsor and this place (blogs) is refreshing and very useful when you need a little help.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.