The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH just got back from a business trip. He is being very nice and communicative. Ah yes, out of the ordinary at this point because he's been silent and derisive last week.
I just needed a place to vent. I'm going to a meeting tonight, thankfully! I'm just so tired of the up and the down. One day he appears to care about the marriage, the next day he's joining dating websites and taking off his wedding ring. Actually, he's had his ring off for about a month now. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm carrying around dead weight.
I had a conversation with my 15 year old son yesterday and asked him if he understood what was really going on in our home and how he felt about it. We had an honest talk and I told him that if our safety was ever jeopardized that I wouldn't think twice about moving out. His response? "I'm going with YOU, right?" LOL, it was just cute the way he said it. Anyway, overall I am doing well but at this point I only see the 'nice' part as manipulative or as a way for him to get him to NOT kick him out. He's still drinking when he travels and I won't talk to him after 5 PM anymore because of it. After our last conversation I realized that recovery is a long way off for him. He is not interested in growing spiritually, he just wants to bait me into going back to the way things were before. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen, there's too much water under the bridge. Either we start over with both of us in recovery or I don't see a future for us. He doesn't understand. He doesn't listen and quite frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm busy working my own recovery, homeschooling my son and taking care of OUR needs. What he chooses to do, that's his business.
Thank you God for this program!
FYI: this was probably a rehash of about 100 other posts I've made. I just needed to get it out today, I guess, LOL!
I think it's part of the process to go over it many times. It takes time for anyone to make the hard decisions and we think it though over and over in our minds. We also come here to get the ESH we need to make those decisions......One day at a Time......
You are always in the right place at the right time when you need to be.
(((( hugs )))) you are not alone in your thinking.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
What he chooses to do, that's his business.
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That is how I feel also..... but whenever I think about it I think "that's how it is in a normal marriage", but also "they don't have the trust issues". It is nice to finally come to the conclusion that whatever he chooses to do is his business and not my business. Give you a ton of time and mental energy that used to be used on him.
This is how we grow and prevent issues from festering and our thinking become distorted. You have shared with great honesty, clarity and wisdom. Enjoy your meeting tonight and know you are not alone
Betty said it first and I will just add that when I use to "rehash it over and over with my recovering family I got more feedback, more confident, more courageous and more positive change. You're not the same person that first arrived here. You're growing and you messages are as clear as a bell. Go grow and remember where home is. If they have an Alateen meeting there take your son with you...if they don't take your son with you, he's qualified. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength & hope with us!
What a great share! I love that you spoke honestly with your son, that is how I handled it with my children as well, you just can't go wrong
I feel like Cathy on this, rehashing going through things over & over is part of the process, it allows us the time we need to build a sound foundation beneath us and to start looking at Gods will for us....and have such clarity when it comes to seeing the manipulation here...
Venting is good. Better than reacting to his behavior. You see the patterns and unchanged behavior and are working a program by changing yourself and moving forward. It sounds like you're doing a good job with detachment and setting boundaries. What your son said really speaks volumes about how he feels about the prospect of being left behind with his father. Your son is lucky in his early teen years to have a mom in recovery who can help him journey toward being a healthy man. Thanks for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Good share and I think venting really helps. It is amazing when I look over my posts the past year and I see I have come a long way. I did not realize until I did that. It all takes time and I think you are doing a great job.
Nothing more refreshing than talking with our kids. I remember very similar conversations w my children before my ex moved out and ultimately our divorce and it was exactly the same sentiment--they just wanted assurance that I wasn't going anywhere. I agree with our MIP family and you that you need to work things out many times and as Jerry said you are not the same person as when you first came here.
Yes the A s can be such charmers and manipulators and we are so fortunate to have this board and MIP to help us keep our balance. We must never get so off balance
and think that they control our world or make us lose our dignity or make us feel less than.
We must try to think what the next step is for the happiness of our lives. Although the A in my life has passed on, he left such an impact and gap in my life that will always be there, but I do know when I look back on it , given the choice I would not do it again.
We must always find the best solutions for ourselves...
Keep traveling the path of recovery, much happiness to you.
Bettina, yes, charming is the best way to describe it! For the past few weeks he hasn't even greeted me when I would say 'good morning'. Basically, I'd get a grunt or something along those lines. All of a sudden he's the one greeting me first and seems 'chipper'. It's so hard to tell how much of this is due to alcoholism or how much is mental illness and also how much is affected by the medications he's on.
My son told me today (during our 4 mile hike, that I thought was only going to be 2, LOL) that his dad said that he wants to take ds on a trip around the world soon. One thing my son said that was key, "Yeah, we'll see. All dad said was that he was THINKING about it. I'm not going to spend too much time thinking about it, then, myself." He knows my AH can be full of broken promises and grandiose ideas that he never follows through on. I'm so glad that my son didn't get too wrapped up in it, etc. One thing I did encourage him to do is to talk to AH about the locations he's most interested in visiting. Ds has no interest in Japan or Eastern societies. He wants to see Europe, Ireland, or possibly Australia. I encouraged him to talk with his father in detail about this because he doesn't want to end up on a trip that won't be enjoyable for everyone involved.
Now, on a good note: I don't have to go!! YAY. I'm not invited!!! Again, YAY!!! My son's biggest concern was that he won't get any sleep because of his father's snoring at night, LOL!
Thank you all for the input and feedback here, as well as the understanding for my need to vent. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!
"ups and down". . that could be the three words that describe every single day. the mood swings, the hangover, the "trying to convince me itll be better", the whole thing is exhausting. there are times i am really able to do the one hr one day at a time appeoach but then there are times, like these past two weeks. . when i simply fall apart. my rollercoaster sometimes runs far too many times around the track, lol as last week as i was NUTS . just when i think i cant possibly take anymore, he flips a switch and im at "ease" and ok. . .relatively. there is nothing consistent except the level of inconsistency. . hows that for describing what living with alcoholism is like. . last week i was so lonely it HURT. .tonight he is out and we are home alone, me and daughter and im simply at peace. loving the aloneness. ups and downs. yes. oh yes. and if you are an anxious control freak like i am. . this up and down, rollercoaster life can by daunting. hugs to you and a HUGE thank you for the support you have sent my way.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Look at you go girlfriend :) I am really trying to keep the focus on me and what I can and can't control with the serenity prayer .. I'm soooo glad you shared!!
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
there is nothing consistent except the level of inconsistency. . hows that for describing what living with alcoholism is like. . last week i was so lonely it HURT. .tonight he is out and we are home alone, me and daughter and im simply at peace. loving the aloneness. ups and downs. yes. oh yes. and if you are an anxious control freak like i am. . this up and down, rollercoaster life can by daunting. hugs to you and a HUGE thank you for the support you have sent my way.