The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
90 meetings in 90 days, if he were to miss a meeting he goes to two the next day.
No drinking obviously.
no lying.
SO
1. He found some beer I had hidden and drank it.
2. lied and said that he "dumped it" we all know that wasn't true, but I happened to find a bottle hidden behind a door
3. has no plans on going to a meeting.
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME THINKING THAT THIS IS NOT a COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME??
The weather is beautiful and I would rather do nothing but lay around and enjoy the breeze. But I remind myself of the fact that I continued to get Duped. Tricked. And it is my very own fault. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
He likes to say that he needs me not to "pressure" him into meetings. ( I suppose it is like reverse psychology). I wonder if I even ought to talk to him about it. lol. He will just try to trick me again.
It is pretty simple. 1.HE QUITS DRINKING, 2. He goes to meetings AND works a program.
If none of these things happen, where does that leave me? Absoutely no where. Even If I can manage a reasonably happy life WITH him (drinking), I deserve better than that.
Boy did it take me a long long time to let go completely. My son is very smart and will come up with anything I want to hear whether it is a total lie or semi truth. When he was in the rehab and was sending me emails on how good this was for him and he is finding his HP....I took it all in and was convinced this was it. It was over and he was going to get well. Well that lasted 4 days at the most.
I won't listen anymore. Only actions ( actions away from me ) will I accept. I know he hasn't drank but he's still not in any program so how long will it be before he's under the influence again. Time will tell.
Even if I talk to him in the future I will not let it influence me again. He has to show me without conditions. No more conditions period
He is going to drink or he's not....ask HP to help you on what you need to do.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Its hard when you feel helpless in this way. I dont have faith in ultimatums or threats, they have never worked for me, especially if I cant back them up with consequences, its like showing them that I wont follow through so do what you like. My suggestion is work out what you want, if you want your husband you may have to accept he may never get sober, can you live with him this way? Some women can but they must have a strong program. If you cant live this way then what is it thats stopping you taking action? Is it the practicalities, finances, fears, ? A plan of action even if you are not ready to take action may help you feel empowered and may help you build strength and trust in yourself. What is it that you cant let go of?
You are not helpless. Yes, you don't have any control over him. But you CAN still sit in the sun and enjoy the beautiful weather. That is all about YOU.
He is giving you a college course in "You Didn't Cause It, You Can't Control It and You Can't Cure It." You will get an A in this course.
I love the way Maryjane put her feedback..."he is giving you a lesson...." That is what my alcoholic/addict did with me also and it drove me into recovery...so I had to say thank you cause it saved my life. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME THINKING THAT THIS IS NOT a COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME?? There's nothing wrong with you that a little change won't help. If it doesn't work? stop doing it and do something that works for someone else. I happen to know that one works cause its what I did. Keep on keeping on...get out of his classroom. (((((hugs)))))
I suppose I am just trying NOT to have to get a divorce. I feel like it is inevitable and I just am not ready for the finality of it. This is one of his consequences that in a sense I have a hand in.
I understand what you mean about ultimatums. I feel like this is more an ultimatum for ME if that makes any sense. He is going to drink if he wants to drink, me telling him he HAS to do it is what leads to the lies etc. I suppose that the bottom line is that I do not want to have a relationship (or feign a relationship) with someone who is not willing to get help. Ready or not. If he is not at a point where he can muster up the willpower to get better, I feel like I should not be expected to give up my future either.
I am a pretty logical person, so I get frustrated with myself when I get sucked back in. When he is gone and I lay my past and my two potential futures out in front of me, the choice is obvious.
I am partly avoiding the finality of it, and I kinda am a little annoyed because we just had our house refurnished beautifully and I don't want to leave. Yet, I long to be back in my little cottage. I moved about 45 minutes away, and I go to church there. There are quite a few activities that my church has that I used to go to probably 2 or 3 times a week, so I get excited that I can do those things again. I also made quite a few friends while I was gone and I feel like I can't be as close to them since I have moved back. (due to the whole codependent thing)
Luckily, leaving the first time proved a great deal to me about my capabilities and how much I underestimate myself. I have already arranged to lease a small house, near where my other one was. I just don't look forward to moving! lol. I already have a divorce attorney.
I can already tell that he won't be back tonight, which is almost irrelevant.
I don't even think I am going to talk to him about leaving or mention it. I am just going to lease the place move and then have the divorce papers served.
If he is truly ready to get sober and go to meetings, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. Hmm, NO. NO, I need to move on with my life. I can't have him waiting in the wings for me, distracting me. I need to be done. I need to be open to other options. But that is another page.
Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out and talking me through things.
Maybe not projecting into the future or dissecting the past and only staying in the day in the program would help the situation. I know that helped me get calm and level and strong before I made the decision and then followed thru on it. After all I was doing something that once before I didn't want to do so I had no plan on how I wanted to do it. I was involved and it was my peace of mind and serenity which was at stake along with a bunch of other issues. I followed the "don't make any major decisions" philosophy of the program and just self focused. What a great learning period...about me. When it was time it was time and the way it came out was very surprising. Keep coming back...got sponsor? (((((hugs)))))
I never got that when everyone says they "have to move on with their life" ....how about just living our lives in the present moment....
Life is not black and white, its not to be lived by anyone's rules but our own.
Thru my experiences of living with the Alcoholic for many many years, I found that nothing I said or did changed the course of his disease. He died from this disease last
July and nothing could have changed that except for the Alcoholic himself, he did go to AA, for the last 5 years of his life, he found friends, he had a blast, he went to places with these friends that people can only dream of . Yes he did not find complete sobriety and the beast of this disease got him, but that doesn't mean he didn't have some great moments. How arrogant of us to believe that we hold other people's happiness in the palm of our hands. Its a deluded thought.
We are not the keeper of the people we love or are married too. We can only live by example and sometimes we make mistakes. We think that just because the A is in a recovery program
that it will solve all our problems. This disease is the most difficult of all to survive for the drinker and for the people it affects. Its one of the most difficult paths to travel for everyone concerned.
Its enough to just work on ourselves and work on ourselves we must, yes, its is a process, we must welcome it. I do not regret the lessons. Wishing you all the good fortune and happiness.
Jerry, you mention not making any life changing decisions....What if I want my life changed??? I remember thinking that was a good philosophy when I first got into the program. It hasn't been long but it has been over 6 months.I have also been in Coda 6 months. I realize how codependent I was/am and how much of a negative affect he was/is on my ability to be my true self. I realize that I had been considering and wishing for divorce from this for many many many (10) years. My "love" and codependency on him partly prevented me from doing it. Bettina, this is where the "have to move on with my life" comes into play. I can't help but recall how much I was sad, and brainwashed, and verbally abused. I can't help but consider the concept of the joy getting sucked out of my life. I considered the other day how the resentment and sadness etc has choked out the love I had for him. I cannot help but question my desire to move back out, my desire and relief when he is NOT home.
I am happily and sadly alone at home. ( i assume that he had meandered over to the neighbor who happily imbibes and pours him drinks)
He came home this morning, assured me numbers times that he drove himself home when I asked him if his friend (a drug dealer) drove him home. We had issues when I left the first time about him bringing strangers (to me) into the house, and I vehemently oppose it! What woman wouldn't!
Then He pointed out ( I had not seen it) a beer that was half drunk and cold...sort of making me believe that someone had been in our house overnight without me knowing it Thereby freaking me out.
I then walked to go to the restroom, but the door was locked. It is a jack and jill bathroom so he lied to me saying that he had locked it.
The gig was up. his drug dealer friend was in the bathroom and he made up the story about the beer. He could have just as easily not lied. He has never ever driven himself home. ever. so why lie now.
It is not about me coping with him drinking it is about him being so so so very far off the page that it blows my mind. and then when I get upset that a strange man (10 years in prison) in in my house, his defense is - did you want me to get a DUI?
I'll stop, I am sure you already know where this is going and have experienced it all yourself.
NO. I do not want to deal with this anymore!
No, I do not feel that I can be the person I was meant to be without having to explain and defend my thoughts actions choices about simple things to him.
