The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
all of last year we were broken up and i was going to alanon and getting on a recovery path. i relapsed over the holidays and went over to his house, and he got me pregnant. I have 6 months until my due date. i moved in with him. he said we are back together again. the first month he drank and was crazy and out of control, drunk driving, verbally abusive, scary. then when he knew i was pregnant, he quit drinking about 6 weeks ago, and quit smoking about a month ago.
my problem is, when he says "I QUIT" in the past 4 years that i've known him, this means that he is "taking a break" which usually doesn't even last a whole month.
my problem is, I don't BELIEVE him. I don't have FAITH in him. I don't TRUST him. Why would me being pregnant make it any different? when he's sober he's angry and mean over small things for no reason. I need peace in my home.
Could the baby have AH genes or defects because he was in a heavy drinking/smoking period when we conceived the child?
i am scared to leave, to make the choice "i want to be a single mom". should i leave him 4 years ago, right now, after the baby is born, or 4 years from now?
should i give him "more time" to see if he can really handle being sober? for a whole 9 months, i DOUBT it. for the next 18 years, not a chance.
should i "make it work" with him for the baby - or is that just enabling and allowing out-of-control behavior near my child and in my life, once again.
I'm looking at an apartment today. i didn't tell him. i could go there and be alone. but i will need real support when the baby comes. i will need a lot of help.
it is not an easy decision to leave. "leaving is hard, staying is harder" any ESH, alanon moms and dads?
Because of all the questioning it leads me to believe you really don't know what you should do.
What would be helpful is for you to try and attend face to face Alanon meeting, immerse yourself into some knowledge into the disease of alcoholism. Read as much Alanon material as you can find.
Try not to make any decisions until you have tried the tools of Alanon. Yes, the child can inherit half your partners genes, has nothing to do with his drinking during time the child was conceived.
Leaving or staying is ultimately up to you, but a little knowledge of this disease and knowing all the facts will help to go along way regarding your decision. Please keep coming back and coming back to the Alanon board, for help and support and experiences.
I was in a very similar situation when I was pregnant. My AH had drunk heavily and disastrously in the past, swore those days were over, but was in no real program of recovery. (He attended AA a few times but it never lasted.) When I was around 6 months pregnant I found out he had started drinking again. He quit again before the baby was born, but the writing was on the wall. Sure enough it is many years later and he is still drinking.
Being the single mother of an infant is hard and you do need as much of a support system as you can find. That said, an alcoholic is not a support system. They drain more than they give. You have to resist the crazy every day. They are a whirlpool of insanity. The question is really, "Would we choose to live with an unmedicated psychiatric in-patient while we have an infant to take care of?" Because as you know, that's what it's like.
I think you can guess that my life with my AH and an infant was not very easy.
It is good to get as much of a reliable support system as you can. What that looks like will depend on your circumstances. A face-to-face Al-Anon meeting can be a wonderful support system. Social service may also have groups and support to offer. Maybe you have reliable family in the area. Maybe you can join a parents' group which will, in time, provide people to grouch with and also friends for your toddler and people with whom you can exchange childcare. There may be a babysitting co-op in your area. Or a Meet-Up of new parents. Your pediatrian will have a lot of resources and places to refer you.
I remember reading about a woman (in the 20th century) who had her baby while she was alone at a cabin in the Alaskan wilderness. She had to survive the whole winter with just her baby and herself. I remember she chewed animal hides to make them soft to wrap her baby in. When I was taking care of my baby, I often thought of her and her determination.
By the time the baby is a year old, things will be much easier and you will be an old hand. But however you go forward, having multiple forms of support is the way to go for everyone.
thanks beatrice and mattie. i have no family here. my nearest family is 2000 miles away, so picking up all my things and moving on my own while pregnant may not be easy. i just want to feel like, at the end of the day, I did the right thing.
If you are happy you will have done the right thing!!! What do you think will lead to your happiness? Mattie is right when she says you will need a lot of support and an alcoholic is not a support system. In fact, you will need support surrounding the baby and surrounding the alcoholic.... double the support. Keep on going to your AlAnon meetings.
Abell...Its tough and next to impossible to arrive at good solution while thinking with or thru fear. For me fear scrambles my ability to make choices I will follow thru on. Time for a good sponsor and working the first three steps daily. The questions about genetics can be answered by reading information on it and browsing on the PC or Laptop. Genetics was one of my focus points in college. This disease is very very very old and probably we have been altered for centuries.
Question? How do you want your life and this new part of your life to come about? Question? what are you willing to do to have it come out that way? Any answer you arrive at can be and will be messed up with this disease. That is from my experiences. If you haven't gotten a sponsor yet...start looking and then start asking.
Abell...Its tough and next to impossible to arrive at good solution while thinking with or thru fear. For me fear scrambles my ability to make choices I will follow thru on. Time for a good sponsor and working the first three steps daily. The questions about genetics can be answered by reading information on it and browsing on the PC or Laptop. Genetics was one of my focus points in college. This disease is very very very old and probably we have been altered for centuries.
Question? How do you want your life and this new part of your life to come about? Question? what are you willing to do to have it come out that way? Any answer you arrive at can be and will be messed up with this disease. That is from my experiences. If you haven't gotten a sponsor yet...start looking and then start asking.
(((((hugs)))))
I could not agree w/Jerry more....You got pregnant..You have a big responsibility coming. and this baby needs you........ If I were you, I would get a sponsor, tie into the 12 steps and really focus on me and taking are of me b/c you have a baby coming.....all the ??s will be answered as you work your program....the baby will be 1/2 you 1/2 him....it could be predisposed to addiction, maybe not...i know growing up w/addicts increases baby's chance of either being an addict or having the ACA traits that are called "para-disease" where they become codependent/coaddicts so a healthy ONE parent is better than zero......I would find a sponsor and get books on the steps NOW....daily meetings to learn how to take care of you....let AH go to his own devices...if he drinks or not, you cannot control it but you can control/change/help you.....
-- Edited by neshema2 on Saturday 15th of March 2014 10:11:00 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
