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Finally said it today in counseling, been weighing on me since my baby was born, just short of 6 weeks early, it's my fault she was premature. I was so stressed trying to keep it together, shield my son from the dysfunction of drunk dad, my anger at AH, and I had went away for a girl scrapbook weekend the weekend before, was going to cancel as AH would be alone with 5 year old the whole time (the few other times I have left son grandma had come to stay), AH assured me he wouldn't drink, trust him, you need the break, etc. and stupid me I went, and worried the whole timE and AH drank, two days later my water broke. Thankfully she is healthy but still small, saw baby today born after her, at least double her size and meeting milestones early. More guilt, if I wasn't dealing with all of this crap would I be spending more time with her or interacting differently with her? I'm not new to mom guilt but knowing I caused serious medical issue has weighed on me.
Admitting this and seeing what I have tried to do to compensate for my older son so he wouldn't be affected by AH it's becoming so clear how powerless I have been to the disease, I've tried to manage everything for so long and in denial thought it was ok, when in reality nothings been manageable for so long. Step one - I see how powerless and unmanageable life has become. This is hard, there arent easy answers, being in denial seems like it was less painful, though I know it wasn't. Met with lawyer this week to see what custody options there are, that was simple really it's shared, would probably get sole custody but he'd get visitation, including overnights. All that passes through my mind is how not even 2 weeks ago he was drunk and went to play with baby who was on floor on her playmat. She tensed as he started talking to her, then as he does, just couple minutes later he dropped his head and passed out, if I hadn't moved her he would have suffocated or crushed her chest with his head dropping on her. Unsupervised visitation is just not an option, can't put the responsibility to make sure he and baby sister are safe on 5 year old shoulders, so now am feeling stuck ( and having dark thoughts about AH). But I'm not alone and not crazy(according to counselor anyway ).
I like your ending. No, you're not alone and no, you're definitely not crazy. In fact, you have been in a particular form of insanity peculiar to us codependents and coalcoholics, and by your admission you have just taken step 1 on your journey out of Crazytown!
I try never to tell people they shouldn't feel something, I think everyone has the right to their feelings. so I won't tell you you shouldn't feel guilty about what happened. What I will also suggest, though, is that you try to reconcile with the possibility that maybe you did the best that could be done under some terrifying circumstances. Maybe if you come to a conclusion like that, you can resolve some of the guilt.
And from here, onward an upward! Keep up the journey. it is hard work, work that maybe sometimes you would rather not have to do, but as I tell my 13 yo son all the time, growing is hard, but worth it!
Kerry: I see you continuing to do the next right thing in caring for yourself with your counselor and Alanon, caring for your children, seeing your powerlessness over the disease and your AH, and taking steps to continue care for yourself and your children. Sending you lots of encouragement and support as you continue your progress one day at a time.
None of having the baby early or the adjustments you've made due to AH are your fault. Not all of them are even his fault. Inappropriate guilt is going to hinder your parenting more than the things you are talking about.
Also, staying married to a drunk because you fear them getting custody....That's setting yourself up to be a martyr and keeping you locked in victim mode. Right now, he can act drunk and dangerous around your children all day every day. The "but at least I'm there to protect them..." Well - you can't be everywhere in your house. Don't talk yourself out of options due to fear. A life lived in fear is torture.
Hmmm....when I feel as you seem to be feeling, I slow waaay down and hold my HP close and LISTEN for guidance. The fears can overwhelm me and keep me out of the present moment. You are doing great, keep walking forward, loving you and your babies. You will know what to do next.
Hugs .. please be very gentle with yourself right now .. taking care of you is top priority .. post partum depression is a huge risk and you need to find whatever support you need.
As far as him getting custody or over nights .. that varies state to state at least in mine .. so not going to happen if they feel the child/ren are at risk safety wise. Documented drinking/drug issues can be addressed so that the children do not have to have overnights and visitation is supervised. I just got sole custody both physical and legal ... my stbax has visitation rights that is it and that in my case is contingent on the children and what they want to do .. mine are a tad older. They have been through the mill in terms of the last visitation. I made the decision at that point to start documentation of what was going on and it was a long process .. it has become extremely clear that he's not ok and the kids have better common sense to take care of themselves than he does. It's very sad and maybe that can change based upon the fact that he finds recovery and can be trusted to do the right thing .. as of today that is not the case and my primary focus is safety for the children and myself. The other thing is you would be shocked how fast my stbax dismissed the kids and I. It may not be an issue .. he may have visitation rights and guess what .. he may just be a no show completely and totally. I'm certainly not telling you what to do .. just saying .. there is a lot more information out there to be researched when you are in a better place emotionally and mentally.
First thing first .. in my mind looking at this situation is taking care of you and doing what YOU need to do to be ok after a traumatic delivery. You have a right to heal and you def do not need to be carrying around a bunch of verbal vomit inside your head about the would have could have should have's. It is what it is and now is the time to do something different for YOU with the support and love you deserve.
Big hugs, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When I first left my exAH I was breastfeeding and there were no overnights until she was much older. Take first things first and don't project, things have a way of working out. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Congratulations on the birth of your wee girl. Dont blame yourself about her coming early, there are probably hundreds of reasons why this happens. Im sorry that this special time is being tainted by this disease. Youve got a lot on your plate just now, easy does it, comes to my mind. You dont need to make all the changes all at once. Give yourself some time to get used to a new baby. Your husbands going to do what hes going to do anyway, so try and enjoy your children if you can. If your serious about leaving in the future it might be worthwhile to document his drunkeness, take pictures of him passed out, what judge is going to allow him near a baby on his own? Glad your here and I hope you can get to meetings, they are so helpful.x
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