So Often in Life I Find myself the Martyr, I think at times Out of Habit, and others times because I'm Feeling Low or just Reaching for attention... but in looking back over Many Hard Years these last 5+yrs, I have also found some of my Saving Grace Moments...

When My Parents Split I was 9 or 10, it was Brutal, My Dad was Physical with my Mom & Very Much IN His Disease, and Her Brothers Stepped in (She had 6) and Needless to say, we Moved! I've Said Before we Lived with One of my Uncles for a bit, and he was Like the Father I Dreamed of, and Alot like my Father in alot of ways but Just not an Alcoholic, he was Fun Loving, Funny, Caring, Kind & So Much more...

I Look at My Mom's Side & realize how Differant Both the worlds were for my Parents, My Mom Grew up in a Huge Family, being the 9th Child of 10! and my ADad Was the Baby of 3 kids... Mom lived the hard life, Constant Struggling for Food, and Clothing, she had to learn to make her own, work Hard, and Do what ever was expected of her, and my Dad well he was the Baby of 2 alcoholic parents, that by the time he was growing up, they were very much into their disease, however they had money, and could GIVE him what ever he ask for! And Did!

I guess where I'm Headed with this is... I'm So Grateful that Thru Recovery, I can Say I'm No Longer "Bias" of who & what they Come from, but Instead Grateful! I'm Grateful that My Mom's Family taught me what Family Truly Can Be if you Love each other Unconditionally... And My Dad's Family taught me just how Hard it can be for someone that May On the Outside look like that have it all! But on the Inside, Can Truly Die, if we don't make Choices to Change our ways, even if we have to do it alone! So I have Gained Strength, Not only from my Loving Family, but also From My Alcoholic Family! Sometimes Looking back I get mad at how things "Had to be" as a Child, but then the Clarity comes, then the Blessings Show up as Nothing Short of Mini Miricles that I Can Only See... With an Open Mind!

I have Always Struggled with "Judgement of Others" and at times Left them High & Dry for Hurting my Feelings, and Letting Me Down, because I was to Selfish to see what Journey they may have been on! It was All about Me & My Feelings... I was a Very Selfish Person thru my Disease! I remember My Mom saying to me once... "Do you Think.. There is ONE Holiday that you Could Just Show Up Sober & Not Hungover?" Which Pretty Much Drove me to Make the Decission that I HAD To be Drunk or Hungover for every holiday Now! It was Expected of ME! Now Had she Kindly Said "I'm Just Grateful today you are Sober, you look Great!" that could have went another way! but I was Selfish!

At the Beginning of My Disease, I Lost thee One Lady that Could Lift me even on the Darkest of Days, she knew My Heart, She knew I had Good, and SHe Loved Me Unconditionally even when I didn't Deserve it! She was My Grandma... (Moms Mom) I Remember her So Fondly, and when I Lost her at 13, I then Dove Head First into Alcoholism... I was Mad at her for Leaving me, Because NO one else could reach Me like her... I Could have the Worst day Ever, go to her  home... And Even after I Would Explain to her my ICK of a Day, She would just Smile & Say! "I think you just Need a Good Hand of Rummy to make it all go away" (It was a Card game we Played always) and for what ever reason, the Stress, the Worry & the Ill Feelings would just Melt away! Today In Heaven... She Turns 98!

And Even tho I Lost her So Young, I as an Adult, a Mother,a Grandmother,a Aunt, a Sister, a Daughter, & Friend! I Do My Best to Make her Proud! And this Road that HP Has Layed out for Me, has been Laid out with pieces of Her Heart still Making the Path for Me! And When I Look at My Grandkids Now, (Also Struggling in this Disease) I hope that They Too Will See in Me! The Love & Peace that she Always Brought to Me Even in My Darkest Days! And I Can Honestly Say! When I Landed HERE at MIP, My 1st Step in Pulling me Out of the Trenches! I know She had a Hand in it! I Know that Lovingly She Knew Where I Needed to be & Got Me Here! Because as Many Know! She is & will always be 'My Butterfly Angel'... And I'm Very Blessed because of the Love She Didn't have to Give, but Chose too...=0) When She Past she had Close to 30 grandkids, but Always Made Me Feel Like I Was the Only One! For that My Heart Stays True, For that... I have Learned to Stand on My Own, even in the Face of this Disease, Even If I Stand Alone!

Thanks for Letting Me Share... Happy Heavenly Birthday to My Grandma... I Pray that All of You, Have that ONE Saving Grace, that you can Look back and Say! HEY... It Sucked... BUT... They were Their for Me!

Prayers to all

Jozie