Can you ever trust someone after it has been broken? - Al-Anon Family Group

southernlass · Member

Can you ever trust someone after it has been broken?

ryanhearted · Senior Member

I struggle with the trust issue daily. But my suggestion would be to keep coming back to these meetings as often as you can. It will help you focus on you, and not on her. You need the support and love. You don't mention if she is in a program or not. But unless she is actively working a program, the disease will progress and you will be in danger, it sounds like! Please take care of yourself and keep coming back. Try to get to some face to face meetings as well. Good luck.

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

Hello SouthernLass,

Give yourself a hug for finding the courage to join al-anon. It takes a lot to admit our life had become unmanageable.

While we do not give advice; I have found that re-reading my first few posts on this site is a good way to remind myself why I am in this program. I think back to the despair I felt as I typed out my story hoping for some relief from the drama/crisis swirling around me. It took a little while, but I realized I was a victim of his disease too. And a victim of verbal and emotional abuse that I do not blame on the alcohol. I blame him for that. With time, I got stronger when I began to focus on ME instead of his nonsense.

Al-anon is not a program to help them, but to help US rebuild our self esteem and create a path for our future after the damage caused by the alcohol fueled storm that has been dominating our daily lives. I look back on the emotional pain I endured and I thank God that I no longer want a relationship with my ABF. I can now see I deserve more than what I was getting from the relationship. He isn't a bad guy; he just isn't the guy for me. The change in my head/heart did not happen overnight; Al-anon was a life raft for me at the beginning. I came out of the storm alive and well but it took many months. (I am sorry about the storm analogy but I live in Florida and at times I felt like I was swirling around in a hurricane.)

I hope you are able to attend face-to-face meetings in your area. You don't have to share your story; just listen to what the others have to say. I was surprised to find the things that were going on in my relationship were happening to other people in the meeting too. It was a relief to know I wasn't alone.

Another thing that helped me was writing in a journal. I bought a cute little notebook with an owl on the cover and I write in it like a diary. I get all my crazy thoughts out of my head by putting them on paper. A psychiatrist once told me 'journaling' is free therapy.

Take a deep breath and know that if you want help; you will find it in Al-anon.

((( e-hug )))

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

All I can say that has helped me to grow in self esteem and confidence in myself has been to attend as many al-anon meetings I could get to, come here, find a sponsor and reading al-anon literature like the 3 daily readers Hope for Today, Courage to Change and One Day at a Time that I got from face to face meetings. The books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie helped me to see myself more clearly and taught me about detachment and boundaries and other tools I was in need of. I am sorry that this disease has a grip on your loved one and I can relate. Sending you love and support on your journey!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Southernlass, welcome to MIP!

Can you ever trust again? That is a question only you can answer. As SDM said, going back and re-reading your post as if a stranger posted it would help you answer that question perhaps. In my case, my AW was mean and generally disagreeable when she was not in recovery. And the first time she was in recovery, she didn't have a good support group. She relapsed a few months later.

Second rehab, after second DUI, she has found a great support group in AA. I feel she is in true recovery now. Could she take a drink tomorrow? Yes, she could. it could happen, As are always one drink away from being out of recovery. but I have decided what behavior is acceptable, and what is not. We have sat down, now that she is sober, and discussed what would happen if she relapsed. If she relapses, the action plan goes in place, which will be her leaving the house. I will take her to detox, but if she won't go there for whatever irrational reason, I will find her someplace else to stay and she will stay there. There won't be any drinking in my house period, with our 13 yo son there.

So the boundaries for me are crucial. And they are somewhat drastic, but they are what we have agreed to. She will know when she wakes up not in the house that she has crossed the boundary.

Regaining the trust, we are doing that one day at a time. My participation in Al Anon this time around has been crucial, because I have my part in it. In fact, if I don't get some of my stuff fixed, she will leave me, that's how important her recovery is to her, and I agree with it. So we both have trust to regain. One Day at a Time (you will hear that a lot).

Peace
Kenny

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I rarely pay attention to what someone says , I watch what they do. If she is serious after a yr of sobriety , rethink the situation . Yes trust can be regained but it takes time ,please find f2f meetings for yourself you too need to recover from the effects of someone else's drinking . just my opinion Louise

jillybean1 · Senior Member

I asked the same question of my therapist, he said (from his experience) and if all goes well and everything runs smoothly......about a year. I tell my AH that as long as we can get thru one day at a time and then start stringing them together one after another----why count days.....it's like age it's just a number.....it's really the nice calm sober togetherness that I want. As for today I don't trust him -- if he walked out of his rehab today I honestly don't know what he would do.

I am just starting to trust myself again.....I know what is real and what is manipulation and I can see a guilt trip coming from him a mile away. Believe in yourself and trust in your instincts and you will see that everything falls into line from that.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe letting her be sober on her own for a bit and casually dating or just being there as a friend might allow her to really reflect on her behavior and make a more serious amends through the steps. You want to be back with her when she's really healthy. That takes time. Probably a year at least. You don't want to get back just cut she's scared to be sober without you. You might be able to trust her more after a lengthy period of sobriety and amends based on how she lives and conducts herself in that time.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You have received the benefit of some really good e/s/h from other members of the MIP family. I'd simply like to invite you to keep coming back here as you continue with face to face meetings. You have made some very good choices in going to Alanon and coming here. The more healthy support we receive from people who understand the ways alcoholism affects us, the stronger we become in ourselves. Trust in myself and in my HP are the two kinds of trust I find most important at this stage in my recovery. What my A wants or doesn't want takes third place to what my HP and I want for my life - peace, stability and safe relationships. That wasn't always true. It is now - thanks to Al-Anon, MIP and a very good sponsor.

Inrecovery · Member

Welcome to MIP. Glad you took the courage to attend alanon and to join us here. Can you ever trust someone again after the trust has been broken...? My experience is yes but it took a long time. Today I watch what they do and not what they say. There actions show us pretty quick if they're serious or not. My A lied to me 100s of times swearing he'll never drink again if I do this or that. In my insane and sick mind I would believe it over and over even though my gut instinct told me no. Then came the point where I didn't believe a word he said. He was going to AA for a year b4 he got sober so needless to say when he had his last drink I didn't believe it was his last. But this time around his actions changed and his behavior pattern continued to change. By attending alanon,getting a sponsor,and working the 12 steps my behavior also began to change. It took awhile but he has my full trust today. Yes he is only one arm length of a drink away at all times. But unless it happens I have no reason to not trust. Take it slow and give time time. She pry feels very insecure without you or the alcohol but that's not your problem. As long as you continue alanon an to work on yourself time will show you if you can trust her again or not an if you want to get back together. Keep coming back. (Mary)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Southerrnlass I would like to answer your question regarding trust and if it is at all possible learn to trust again. of my marriage

Before program and in my youth I believed that it was essential for me and the relationship to have unconditional trust as the cornerstone. Being in an alcoholic marriage I held fast to have belief even though my common sense and inner voice screamed that I was in denial and that this person was not to be trusted.

Because my principle of having to trust everybody was firmly entrenched in my being all I could see was if I stopped trusting, accepted reality, then my marriage was over and I had to divorce. It was at this time I entered Al-Anon and began to use the simple tools presented in order to regain my sanity.

After a short time in program I began to understand that my definition of many words, as well as my principles needed a review and to be redefined. The principles that I finally embraced was that I had to be honest, open and willing to look at reality and to use new tools to face life on life's terms.

With Program I learned the correct way to trust. I learned that I only had to trust HP and then by trusting HP I learned to trust myself and then my inner voice then I can connect honestly.

Today I believe that we are all human, make many, many mistakes and that trust must be earned . I also believe that my still small voice within knows the truth and if I just listen to my inner guidance I will know the truth and truth will set me free. I do believe I knew the truth of my marriage but refused to face it. Today I have the tools that help me face life on life's terms with courage, serenity and the great deal of wisdom trusting HP.

Keep coming back

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad your here. I think the violence and abuse suggest to trust could be dangerous for you. Sometimes people show us who they are and just because we dont want to believe them we minimise and justify. Your post gives you the answer you are looking for. Try alanon, build your self worth up and moving on will be much easier.x

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What I learned in program over time from my sponsor and a lot of other members of the family groups was "qualified trust". It's like trust that is earned in some ways and what I learned even included me trusting me and me trusting others. Qualified trust is just that...In order to escape being let down and ending up in resentments I trust the others for what they can be trusted for and not for something they are not qualified or quantified for. As a mister fix it I use to over do and over promise and then fall short. I was only qualified for so much and not the whole shebang...I ended up letting myself and others down and causing pain. My alcoholic/addict also did this with monotonous regularity however there were many things and assets she did have like myself and those are what I could trust her for all the time. Over trusting often times weights the other person down to perform and puffs up my expectations and I learned that expectations can often become future resentments. Today I am not afraid to ask if I can trust another person for what support I need from them and I am also not afraid to tell others that I'm not up to the task either. The program works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

From this program I learned not to trust or untrust. I accept someone as is, if I don't like how they are, its not fair of me to judge them. if I don't feel comfy I end it.

As far as her not drinking, that was actually nothing. Its called white knuckling and dry drunk. It almost always does not last plus there is no way of really knowing what another does.

Being an addict is a collection of symptoms, one being a drug in this instance. Manipulation is another which you have experienced.

Also I ask you back what would make you want to trust this person. A person who will physically abuse you, can and many times will kill you. This person crossed a boundary big time by hitting you and breaking your nose. I would be a fool if a horse stepped on my foot and ever really trusted it again. Plus abuse is not from her being an addict, she is an abuser.Cheating is not part of being an addict, she is a cheater.

Al anon invites you to love you, think of what you want for you. How can you make yourself safe in your own home? How can you keep your own body and life safe? There are still horrible std's out there, she put your very life at risk.

What is it about you that you would put up with this behavior and want to go back? Sadly their disease makes us sick too. We start accepting the relationship like it is ok and normal. We focus on them not us.This is why coming here and going to meetings we learn hey my life does not have to be like this.

Even with years of sobriety they are an addict, if they drink well so what are you going to do?She is an adult and has a right to her side of the street and her choices. We have only ourselves to change. We cannot change or expect change from others.

Also addicts do not like to be alone. They are very sick people until they have lots of time, a year at the very least of being on a program of recovery, where they make a plan for their own life to be as good a person as they can.

It is not about just not drinking at all. In fact that can be worse.

I hope you keep coming back. I left my AH and he stayed away. I have never been more free of pain in my life. His disease is so very bad, and very sad too.

hugz!

southernlass · Member

Hi, thank you for the message. It does help hearing from others about their experiences and that I am not the only one going through this.

Yes I am going to keep coming back as I do feel that I need some HP to guide me through everything at the moment as currently can't see the wood from the trees. I will also continue to explore this site and attend. I have also arranged some 1:1 to one counselling for myself to talk out my issues. It can't do any harm, well not in less they section me lol

Another issue that I am currently trying to work through is with my family who (understandably)do not want me to go back into the relationship. They want to protect me from going through what I have already been through again. I know that they mean well but unfortunately you can't help who you love and I love the person NOT the disease. What I need to work out is whether I am in love with her.

I have accepted that they have a disease which I cannot cure or control. But what I am finding hard to understand/ get my head is how alcohol changes someone's personality. Are they showing their true colours when in drink or is it distorting their personality? At times it was like living with Jekyll and Hyde and I do not/will not go back to that as it had a huge effect on my mental health.

Thank you so much for all your message it really does helps.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.