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I don't know how my Mom managed to place a telephone call, but tonight she called me. She was crying hysterically- and when she calmed down told me that she is so unhappy where she is and wants to end her life. She is at an end stage nursing home, I am not the power of attorney, I did not put her there and I can't remove her either. I spent time listening to anything she wanted to say and let her know that I could listen and love her. I asked her permission to talk to my Dad about it and she said that she receives less direction from him than she used to. My Mom claims that the staff is being nasty and rude and gives examples. Truthfully, it sounds horrible. They barricaded her in her room tonight, triggering her fears. She never collected tools for her toolbox and went through life without coping skills. This is no exception.
I have mixed emotions; grateful for her call, even though I'm so sad that she's unhappy and uncomfortable. I am powerless.
I question the care and medical treatment they're both receiving, and, understand that this might also simply fall under the umbrella of aging. Mom is making it worse by telling my uncle that he talks about imaginary friends. I think my uncle switched his doctors and his doctors switched his medicines. My Dad is cognizant, but fading extremely rapidly.
My uncle and I have been round bout this many years ago after my Dad's first stroke- I went into debt to pay for my Dad's additional care that his doctor suggested he needed; when I approached my uncle (his brother for help), he scolded me for not minding my own business and what did I know about strokes- that this is how my Dad is and to accept it. My Dad improved tremendously over the course of a year, just like his doctor said he would. My Dad has had many coherent conversations since then. And since then, I have not been able to effect a two way conversation with my uncle- as, for some reason, he feels he is too important to give me the time of day. (Thankfully, I know better!) Dad assigned my uncle power of attorney several years later; I think a lawyer was previously assigned, as I respectfully declined because I didn't want the responsibility of and thought it would be harmful to deal with my sister.
I am powerless and this is painful. I wonder how it is that I have so much compassion and feel so much pain for my Mom who's treated me badly- and who only contacts me as a last resort because she's that afraid and has made an enemy of everyone else. I have accepted ushering her time left, if that is her choice.
Part of my powerlessness and acceptance let's me off the hook- it's very freeing to not be responsible (self-imposed) for fixing things that are not on my side of the street. i am becoming very sensitive to my own choices and what messages and actions that I want to put out there in the world. The yin and yang of dignity, choices, and decisions.
It is difficult to let our aging parents struggle with the consequences both of their own diseases and some of their choices, too. We can't save them or rescue them anymore than we can save or rescue our As. I do find myself wondering if your Mom is trying to engage you in some drama as if I remember she engaged other family members to include your Dad in at times? Without a program, she will continue to do what she's always done. It is so good to read that you are powerless and have no real responsibility for any of this real or perceived dilemma that your Mom is experiencing. You can be kind, courteous and compassionate as you are being without allowing yourself to be sucked into something that may not really be happening. If you're not sure, internet reviews of her residence might help you learn if others have had the same experience if that would be helpful to you in getting some facts that might put you more at ease? It usually takes about 2 or 3 months for folks who have been moved into an assisted living facility to work through some of their fears and to be more at ease with their surroundings.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 11th of March 2014 09:00:53 PM
Thank you Grateful. I was wondering about the drama factor and can't tell... yet... and I remained intentionally neutral and asking neutral questions in hopes of grounding the conversation in reality. Yes, I'm going to need to take out and sharpen some tools from my own toolkit so I can handle it with a much greater detachment! Googling reviews was a great suggestion. However, the reviews of the facility confirm and sum up my impressions and what my Mom is saying. There was even a specific complaint about the nurse working 3-11, which is the person who brought my Mom to tears and enough agony to figure out how to call me. I know that there is an adjustment period and my Mom's business in how she handles this. And even with the mixed reviews of the facility, I am powerless. You're right and thank you for the reminder for ODAT. Thank you for helping restore my serenity tonight.
It seems as if the 3Cs apply to this situation, of course they are just another expression of powerlessness. You did what you could without getting pulled into something you can't fix.
You probably have compassion for your mom becaus you know it's coming to the end, and that is ok. The post you made the other day makes it seem like you still crave time with her, and she is finally able to do it on your terms, so that will evoke compassion back.
It's a very hard situation for you, one I will be going through all too soon. I thank HP that Al Anon has given us the tools to deal with these situations as well as possible.
Many thanks Kenny! I will need much greater detachment if she's going to be calling... and as she continues on her path... she is who she is and yes, I'm checking to see if there is any more, but I know what I see is what I get. I don't want regrets of not being available how I can. It's interesting that she does understand and accept this is all I can offer and she does not expect me to now buck the current with my family that she helped create. Thanks for the "permission" for compassion... it had a component of self-betrayl.
If the nursing home or hospital is negligent, I believe you can file a complaint even if you do not have direct power of attorney over a resident of the home. The authorities still want to know whether rules are being broken. I don't know if the appropriate authorities are responsive or negligent themselves, but just to say that I believe there are steps you can take if the situation is appalling.
I have experience of a relative being in a terrible nursing home no emotional dysfunction involved and it was so painful. I wasn't in a position to do anything (I was underage), but I wish I had been.
It is painful on so many levels. I worked in facilities and with families for many years. I know of the trauma of unresolved issues and have experienced firsthand not only the poor care but the loving care provided that is reported to the families in conflicting ways. As a therapist, I heard all sides and I, too, felt powerless at times in my attempts to advocate for my patients. Maybe it would be helpful as grateful suggested to do some research. If there is mistreatment, the discovery could help many of these precious older people who are unable to advocate for themselves. Maybe your moms voice could be a voice for many others through you? I feel for you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You should be able to talk with the social worker assigned to you mother. If you aren't satisfied with that person's response to your inquiries, her/his supervisor might be a better bet. Inasmuch as there is an adjustment period, there can still be legitimacy to your mom's complaints. If you are near, showing up at the facilities at all different times of the day will give you a sense of who is who and the kind of attention your parents are receiving. Unexpected visits should give you some answers. The shift change is usually around 2. In a perfect world, the sickest of people wouldn't be working in helping professions but some of them are. You don't have to be poa to advocate for your parents. If staff are not yet familiar with you, better yet! You can get a sense of how a typical day is at the facility without staff changing their behavior because they recognize you're a family member. Reporting people can make matters worse for your parents. People rarely blog about the fabulous experience their loved one is having. I would trust what I see, hear and especially smell when visiting. As much as some staff are not the greatest, there are dedicated ones as well. Once you assess the situation, finding one or a few of these committed staff members can make all the difference for your parents. These are the staff who will call you personally and do the little extras for your parents. If you can't be there as much as you'd like, finding a friend on the inside can make a difference. Your parents have rights and so do you as one of their caregivers and child. Directness about your expectations for them without being accusatory can bring about positive change to how their needs are addressed. A facilities reputation is important to them. The administator would be the one to go to if you feel extreme dissatisfaction and would never recommend the place to anyone. It's the last thing that administrator would want to happen aside from calling the state and reporting abuse or asking them to do a spot check of the place (which they do on their own - make surprise visits). You can find a report card so to speak of any and all of these places online and when you enter the place, the same should be visibly available to you in the lobby. This is the law. It's public information and they must have it in clear view and accessable to you. You can check into how many demerits they've received and whether they've been corrected. I don't know if any of this helps or it's info. you already have but I hope something here helps you to see you and your parents are not entirely powerless. Human rights and human dignity are very important. My heart goes out to you and your family at this time. You're in my prayers (((bud)))) T
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you Mattie and Paula! My concern is that if I complain, the staff will just sedate my Mom, leaving her to an even worse quality of life and a faster end. She is being kept clean and fed. I don't know about her medications. The facility could use more staff, many of the nurses are very professional just overworked. If the evening shift nurses are rude and taunting, barricade my Mom in her room- and I complain, the staff can also counter that she is hallucinating and not mentally alert and oriented (and I'm having some trouble ascertaining this too). Also, I'm curious about the dynamic regarding the staff not calling for help when they saw I was being attacked by my BIL- this seems to be an extension of how things are run there.
When my uncle changed their medical care, they both started deteriorating quickly; my uncle's take on it is that it is just normal aging. My parents probably can't do better than this without the proper attention to medicines and dosages. Also, my Mom has glaucoma and her eye drops are a horrid dosing routine over an hour's worth of time- I seriously doubt that there is enough nursing staff to be able to devote time for this- and- they do seem to have an attitude that the patients are "dying anyway". The eye drops aren't the worst of it, but it does make me question what is going on over there!
When I used to round in the nursing homes, I saw patients with permanent tubes for feeding. Examination revealed that they were physically functional enough to eat food normally and not be on enteral tube feedings. When the tubes needed adjustment, and when I could make a recommendation, the nurses were ordered to start helping with normal food. This was very inconvenient for them, as it was much easier to just dump enteral feedings down a tube. However, the patients and their families were so grateful that the feeding tube was gone and that the rest of the days could be lived with dignity.
Thank you so much TT and I agree with you except I do not have power of attorney- therefore, the staff will NOT speak with me. I can probably submit a complaint, they can listen, but their obligation ends there. They do not really care about my thoughts and if I recommend the place or not because it is my Uncle to whom they are legally obligated. I will try and speak with someone and can post a review on the internet if I do not receive satisfaction. The night shift has received complaints since last July and it doesn't look like the facility responded to the complaints.
-- Edited by bud on Wednesday 12th of March 2014 07:38:23 AM
I just left a message for Mom's social worker to contact me. After reading and rereading the good feedback, I thought to throw away my previous experiences and start anew and then keep doing the next right thing from that. If nothing else, this is a good exercise in my practicing letting go by not dragging past experiences forward, creating expectations and making assumptions.
Big hugs for the support and helping me find a better perception!!!!
Perfect way to proceed. My prayer is to help me let go of old ways of being and let me sit in the "betwixt and between" all the while considering the next best action that aligns with my highest values. Sounds like you are doing the same
I spoke with the social worker and she did give me some time, answered my concerns- said my Mom belongs in another building, but my Aunt and Uncle wanted her to be closer to my Dad. The facility has received numerous complaints about the night staff, they're a little more blunt but are professional and do a good job. The social worker says that she's been trying to work on this with the night staff (however, it doesn't appear she's made much progress, and didn't sound hopeful for it). She didn't realize my Mom was so unhappy and can address that with her. She would not discuss anything that wasn't considered general questions. Then she came out with the usual stonewalling regarding care, how she's been doing this for 12 years blah blah blah, and how it takes longer for the family to adjust than the patients themselves, and how my Aunt and Uncle are involved with her. Mmmk
Thank you for the encouragement- it was empowering and I did step out of my own way and feel like I'm on a much better path. I guess I'm having a hard time because both my parents have rapidly deteriorated at the same time.
