The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been almost 2 years since I left my exA. No contact. Have been in recovery (mostly other programs than al anon, but I stop in from time to time)
And lately, I have had this fresh crop of grief about it. I. MISS. HIM! What the heck? I am crying late at night and paralyzed again? I'm struggling not to contact him (whaaaaaaaaaat is that about?!!!!!!!!) and stalking him on social media again?
I am super confused at this?
If it matters, I have not dated anyone since we broke up, and we didn't really have a "good bye" conversation...I just sort of stopped contact and he just...let it be. (Which was painful in its own way, though now I see what a gift it was.) We dated about 4.5 years.
The only thing I can think of is, through my recovery and understanding of addiction and the effects of alcholism on people (his father was an alcoholic to boot), I just am not mad anymore. I have forgiven him 100% by working the 12 Step Programs, and have come to a place where I love him in the other way...for being the instrument that brought me to recovery. As a fellow human. As one of us. Etc...
Of course, I don't actually want him back, and I don't plan on contacting him. I just...am grieving again. It seems super weird, and I don't get it. It hurts a lot.
Anyone have any experience with this? The only thing I know to do is just go ahead and grieve and cry and let it all out and pray to my HP, and of course, continue my no contact.
Aloha C...good to read your stuff again...always liked your shares. Sounds like you miss some stuff in closure? could happen. Sounds like the disease is still progressive...planted some "markers in your memory and mind" and came back and flipped the switch back on. Stranged huh how you elapsed back into non-working behaviors...this is one nasty disease in how it works. What happened for me when I learned how to detach with love from my alcoholic/addict I accepted both she and I for exactly who we were...all the warts, bruises, scabs, scars, wrinkles, smiles and laughs and tears and such and I accepted that she was okay with her Higher Power of whom I was not. I stopped "tracking" her out of respect for her and all women...I didn't "own" her and while I loved her I didn't need her to complete me or my life. I was okay with who I was (mentioned that huh?) and excited to see my life develop from my own recovery experiences. Today when I feel sadness about this disease it doesn't have just one face to remember...I will cry that it hurts and trumps happiness for everyone it touches and I will cry out of emotional gratitude for how it saved my mind, body, spirit and emotions...my life.
You can grieve again...give it a time limit and then go on with you. Remember that God can and will reveal if God wills it for you.
Disease is nasty and then we use that to grow. (((((hugs)))))
Perhaps it is another layer of grief knowing that it is safe to come forth to be mourned since you are in a stronger place? You are doing the 3 a's and an effective action was to bring the awareness here, big hug for you.
Where's that snippet about grief, and how it comes in waves? That's a good one.
My grandparents died about 15 years ago. Our first dogs died about 4 years ago. I've lost uncles and nephews and lots of other people, but none recently. And yet, sometimes, even after so long, a wave comes up unexpectedly and knocks you off your feet. Sometimes it's because of a though or an errant memory, or an physical item. However, I honestly think it just sometimes happens for no good reason. Let it out, wait for the wave to recede, and get back up when it does.
Thank you, friends. Lots of good insight here. It appears, Jerry, that I am on my way to where you seem to be. I'm grateful for the 12 steps and its miracles in my life.
I do think it was grief emerging, in a safe way. For a long time, I had to HATE him...to stay safe. To stay away. Obviously, I slipped a bit with the social networking thing and did the cha-cha. But, I'm happy to say I cried, and ADMITTED my feelings here and to my sponsor...and it passed. I'm back in CDK mode, and moved forward with my life plans "without him". ;) Seriously, the next day I went and started the process to go to school and get a degree I have wanted for over ten years. The heavens opened up for me. Wheeee hooo! HP is so good!
