The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been contemplating starting over. I dream of being alone now, with no one else to have to contend with, with no one else to feel sorry for. With no more excuses for poor behavior.
I told myself that I deserve better. My AH was gone (unplanned drinking adventure) for a little over a week, took the car. leaving me to rent my own. I mean, I DO deserve better. He deserves better. But It is not up to me to make HIM better. he has to do that. I want peace and serenity. I am okay if I have to struggle a little bit (on my own), but having my routine constantly disrupted is draining.
I had a talk with him about all of the above, he seems to agree that I deserve better. But as we all know they are powerless over alcohol. He went out yesterday and never came back. He KNEW it would happen. I knew it would happen. He had asked me repeatedly to drive him where he needed to go so that he COULD NOT stay. So that I would bring him home safe etc.He knows that he is powerless. BUT he is not ready to try to get his power back. When he mentioned this powerlessness and how he had wished that I would have just driven him. I pointed out to him that He does not WANT his power back, he wants OTHER PEOPLE to be his power. He agreed. I think that he would probably think that life would be perfect if he could just hire a driver/bodyguard/friend who would have instructions on how to keep him safe but still drink.
That is the problem. He wishes his life were better/different, but he doesn't want to do any work. He is a mess, he has been a mess, he will always be a mess. He will even be a mess if he gets into a program. He has a lot of wounds to heal. It is those wounds and bad habits that have created these twisted ways of thinking. I am not sure if we will ever be on the same page. I can seem him try to "cope" in unhealthy ways. Sadly enough, He told me today that he HAS coped with his life well so far. (isn't that sad)
He kept telling me he was sorry today, that he made a bad decision again. He also says he doesn't want to hurt me. But then realized and stated that there is no hurt left. he is right, He doesn't really hurt me anymore, he just makes my life less pleasant. I am tired of my life being unpleasant.
I want to be HAPPY. I don't believe that being with him will ever allow me to achieve that freedom of joy.
I guess I will actually have to get a DIVORCE. I think it would be easier if I never had to face that word. I may never actually divorce him accept that I want to separate our finances. But it is what it is. What makes it so hard, beyond it being a hard thing, is that he sick (with alcoholism). I guess I need to remind myself that it is contagious, that I was sick, am sick, will stay sick. That I can try to get better (and HAVE gotten better), but it is draining all of my energy that I would rather put towards positive things in my life. If he does not care enough about himself to get better, why should I?
Hugs sending love and support .. these decisions are never easy leave our stay there are always consequences positive and negative. From where I stand two years ago my life is far better than it had been. I still have challenges .. I still struggle and fall down . I don't have the albatross hanging around my neck anymore .. it is sad if my kids dad never finds recovery .. I just choose not to do this dance of his bad decisions affecting the kids and I. Lots of support .. I understand standing at that crossroads. Hugs s:)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
""That is the problem. He wishes his life were better/different, but he doesn't want to do any work. He is a mess, he has been a mess, he will always be a mess. He will even be a mess if he gets into a program. He has a lot of wounds to heal. It is those wounds and bad habits that have created these twisted ways of thinking. I am not sure if we will ever be on the same page. I can seem him try to "cope" in unhealthy ways. Sadly enough, He told me today that he HAS coped with his life well so far. (isn't that sad)""
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oh this sounds soooo familiar. i worry this is the case with my ah of 15yrs and one child. i have no idea what, if ever, will be his "bottom". i often though think i have hit mine. . .and yet i stay put. i panic, scream, cry, anguish and torment myself and then it passes and im still in this marriage. i know i deserve better and yes he does too . . although im not sure he will ever find peace and joy. his wounds run deep and his denial and anger deeper. our marriage is a drop in the bucket. we have such poor communication and little connectipn other than our daughter, yet he stays bc, well men do and i stay bc i grow paralyzed, i dont want to surrender any custody and i trully think codeoendent must be my middle name.
i truly dont know the answer. i acheive tolerance and detach only to fall apart in panic months later. i return to these boards, pour my heart out and pick up again. maybe each time a bit stronger. . .maybe, or simply i just return out of comfort . . .i dont know. i start everyday over. i pray for peace and comfort in whatever way God chooses to provide it that day. not sure its the best long term plan, not sure its what i would think others should do but its part of my story. keep writing and sharing. in prayer.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
