The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
some day somehow this roller coaster will stop. not sure when not surehow. . .but mygoodness. .it just must. a huge thank to all of the support that has been sent my way this past week. im not in a much better spot but slowly puuling it back together. the thing that baffles me is how this ride changes and causes such turmoil pain and upset one minute then is calm and manageable the next. my head is still spinning and im basically still obssessing. im not happy im not terribly sad im just. . . the thing i struggle with now, how to reconcile it all. last week and mych if the weekend i was in a foul beyond foul mood. i was lonely, hurting, full of anger and every other word we all use to describe life with an active alc. tonight as i right this and hes home and "sober". . meaning gasnt drank since sunday afternoon, hes tolerable and home feels tolerable. that said, its one day. i spilled my guts on these boards, adm to the hell if my marriage to my mother(who assumed, i simply validated. . to which she say, just leave"), i now feel guilty for telling her,guilty for having had serios "im leaving" thoughts and guilty for the rage and anger and yes even the depression. when i visited my mom it was obvious that every time i me, ntioned my husb her jaw set on edge. . of course this isnt entirely new, my hus and my folks dont exactly have a warm and fuzzy relationahip. . but now im back thete. . back to that thinking. back to feeling the shame the guilt the anguish the worry over the fact that yes, i choose to stay with my alcoholic. gosh, do the flood of feelings ever stop? i just want to BE. is that so hard to ask. id give anythong to find the off switch in my brain so i could just stop. stop being scared, angry, sad, lonely, anxioys. stop wrrying what everyone thonks, stop fretting fuming and analyzing. . .am i nuts? serioysly. .or is this common? there so has to be a better simpler way. . thanks all. . im sure there wil be more rambling to come. i just feel unglued. any help? im trying to dive into rwading and i will go to a f to f this friday. . even if its just the one. . apparently the already sched day off is a good thing. sorry fir the typos
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
((((Ocean)))) Yeppers I'd say you were upset!!! Try "this too will pass" as a slogan and do you have a sponsor? I can relate to the roller coaster and remember two thought forces which came to me that I used regarding that; one was that height bar that measures who can and cannot ride the roller coaster...yep I was too little!! The second one was the feeling again that I once had that I wanted to vomit because of the ride. I actually could feel again the urge and I stayed off ever since. I listen much in pictures which helps me soooo much.
Keeping my mind of the truth that if nothing changes - nothing changes was really gold for me because it aligned my expectations and I wasn't as easily thrown into the insanity of denial and mis-interpretation of the situation. It is what it is...is a reality check for me now. I don't look at the elephant and see a penguin or an ice cream cone. Getting into high contrasted reality is very important for me so that I don't use the same brain I got sick with to think my way thru this disease. I also learned very importantly not to trust my own thinking and so I iused the fellowship and my sponsor to help me interpret any picture I was looking at. That helped alot because the disease had confused me for so so long.
Higher Power?? Absolutely!! Higher Power gave me permission to slow down and be patient...to wait and not rush about trying to solve the problem I didn't know anything about.
Stay with us...in support. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 10th of March 2014 08:49:11 PM
thank you jerry. yes i have a sponsor through this connection here but i was just informed she was adm to.the hospital so im doing what i can to stay focused by conhecting to you all through posting. i will post again soon . right now i need to stop the roller coaster for the day, pray and rest. thank you.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I recently went for a loopy loop without out even realizing I jumped on. Felt great one moment and then completely crashed and burned. I try to take a deep breath and recite the serenity prayer when i begin to feel overwhelmed. I will say a prayer for your sponsor too. Hope all is well.
Sending much love and support to you (((ocean)))
Oh, the regret of having feelings..... Yes, I have them too. And Jerry is right...."nothing changes if nothing changes". It does change if your mind changes. I know I kind of liked the feeling of regret because it was different than the depression that I normally felt. I usually was so depressed that if I felt regret it meant that I felt better and I regretted talking about my depression. I know that doesn't make sense to a normal person. I stopped talking about it. My parents never understood. Only my friends who had a spouse who drank too much understood a little bit. But my friends in AlAnon were the ones who understood that a rant is very therapeutic when you know there is nothing else right now that I could do.
I remember this ride well, I can get back on from time to time. Have you read 'The merrygoround called denial'? It explains the typical relationship people have with alcoholics and it never stops until there is change.You don't have to ride, no one forces us to ride, we step on willingly, even if we deny that. For me, I had to look at my part, what belonged to me? His drinking, bad behaviour did not belong to me, my taking part, putting up with unacceptable behaviour, joining in the drama and turmoil, all that belonged to me. Thats the bit that needed changing.
I had to work out, what is it about me that means I wont change this. I don't mean leave, in the insane mindset leaving would probably be short lived, half hearted and do more damage than good. Leaving after some time in recovery, changing the things you can, you, is the real leaving, the step into a new life with no regret or second thoughts.
I needed to change me, get some self worth, we put up with chaos, drama, alcoholic nonsense when we are full of guilt, self loathing, insecuritiy, giant ego, and lots more nasty feelings and negative thinking. Working this program, I mean living it, reading every day, attending meetings, helped me get some valuable self love and self respect. Putting yourself at the top of the pecking order, what do you want? what do you want your life to look like? Right now you are living a life that fits well with alcoholism, is this what you want? This sounds like a ridiculous question but we get goodies from this life too. We get to wallow in self pity and blame it on another person, we get drama and chaos that can stimulate our brains and we can feel the excitement, we get to check out on life ourselves and blame it on another person. We dont need to take a look at ourselves because everything we do wrong is justifiable, well no wonder I behaved this way look at the husband/partner I have got, his drinking drove me to this or that. Justifying must stop. Its part of the denial of the truth. Your in the right place if you are ready for change, Alanon needs an open mind, surrender to the life you are living, a bottom of sorts. Otherwise, this insanity will continue, you asked if your nuts, well to be honest yes. Step 2 - A power greater than us can restore us to sanity. Thanks for sharing.x
Besides the "Merry-go-round named Denial" that elcee and I have both suggested, I also discovered that telling my HP exactly how I was thinking and feeling not only about myself and my life but about my HP, too, until no more words came from my mind or mouth was a purging psalm that led to unhooking from my x as my hp and letting a whole new relationship to my true HP begin.
The beautiful musical arrangement from the movie "A Love Affair to Remember" brushes my memory as I go back in time to a young woman in her early 30s lying on her back on a couch mentally addressing an image of her HP and saying every nasty thing that was on her mind at the time - no holds barred - for the first time in her life. No pious piffle. No fear. Just angry and resentful words poured out towards the god of her understanding at the time.
Exhausted and empty, the gal waited in silence as an April breeze blew the sheer curtains out from her window and glass wind chimes tinkled and sparkled in the breeze and sunshine. Then gently, a new understanding of her HP was whispered in a way that cannot be described, and she arose from the couch changed and willing to go on with her life with the awareness and acceptance of a new relationship to the HP who she realized loved her exactly as she was and too much to allow her to go on suffering needlessly. The marriage to her old way of life was over. The marriage to the true love of her life began.
Gratitude, hope and humility replaced the angst, anger, resentment and bitterness that blocked me from new life back then. It all began that day when I surrendered all that I was truly thinking and feeling in an honest and heartfelt way to the god of my understanding at that time and allowed whatever would happen as a result happen. Grace happened. Life began anew.
None of what helped me might help you yet I offer it to you as gift to take or to leave. Many prayers for you, sister.
I love what Grateful and El Cee shared here. I, too, needed to read those posts because I get so caught up in 'what he's doing' and I forget to work my recovery program. You know, working my program really means more to me now than just reading. Anyone can read a pamphlet or today's readings. I had to learn (and am still learning) to DO something with those readings. I take notes, I call my sponsor or another program friend, or I come here and post like you are doing now. Just as an alcoholic's recovery requires action, so does our recovery. I found out early on that I could read and read and read and it got me nowhere, I felt no better. What helped me feel better was reaching out to others in program and getting a hug or grabbing a coffee with them, etc.
As a matter of fact, I have been very neglectful about going to more than one meeting a week and I haven't been reaching out to friends in program like I used to....and I can tell. Man, I can tell. I start obsessing, I start making excuses for my own behavior, and I stop caring about working my program in general. I do the minimum so that I have something to talk to my sponsor about but, in reality, I'm drowning in my obsessions about AH.
Honestly, I am so glad you came here today to reach out. By reaching out and being honest, you are giving others a chance to share their ESH and to help you through this difficult time. It's in helping others who are suffering, where we all get to work our programs and we remind ourselves of just how far we have come, too. And, when others reach out to help you, many others of us(like me, LOL) get helped in the process as well. Hugs and prayers to you today!
