The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to al anon... Wish I would have found it years ago. It has already helped so much just to read this board and attend online meetings. I haven't yet been able to attend face to face meetings because of scheduling conflicts, but hope to attend in the near future. But for now, what I can do online has helped immensely.
I have been married to my AH for 26 years. So it has been years and years of struggle... years and years of my trying EVERYTHING I could think of to make him stop drinking... begging, pleading, crying, demanding, counting drinks, searching for hidden alcohol, trying to keep him from his drinking friends, on and on and on..... I tried everything to get him to choose Me over alcohol. It never happened... things only got worse. He resents me for trying to control him. I resented him because of his choice to drink.
I have neglected myself so much being wrapped up in his disease... Aside from my mental state in this mess, my health is suffering physically as well. He doesn't seem to care or even notice. It's come to the point that I have to save myself. I realized that I can't expect him to care about me when he doesn't even care about himself. He has a heart condition and other issues and was told by his doctor not to abuse alcohol. Amazingly he still refuses to admit he has a drinking problem.
A few weeks ago, AH and I had another argument about his drinking.... Not an unusual event, but with this argument, a light went on in my mind. It finally just dawned on me that I can't take this anymore. After 26 years of marriage, we have not progressed beyond THIS! The same argument over and over again for years on end. I realized that it will never end and he will likely not change. If I haven't been able to make him change in all these years, it is obviously not going to ever happen. He flat out refuses to be responsible for his own behavior. So through my frustration, tears and disappointment, I admitted to myself that I am powerless over alcohol... I am beaten, defeated, and finished! There is only one thing I can do now and that is to save myself! I am So tired of dealing with it. I am tired of the arguing, tired of being blamed for everything that is wrong in HIS world, tired of being verbally abused, and most recently, his death threats to me... AND, I don't want to be what I have become either. His alcoholic behavior has turned me into something I am not and I want Me back!
I know I have a long road ahead to recover and regain myself. I just want to be me again and be able to feel happiness again. I don't know what I will tell him or how to tell him I'm done with this way of living, but something's got to give. I don't want this kind of existence anymore.
I'm glad I found al anon and this board... I don't feel so alone. Thank you.
Congratulations - Step 1! You did it! Already! We have 12 steps here, you can already come to believe that HP can restore you to sanity. You will make much progress after the 26-year step, it will probably feel like things are moving lightning fast comparably.
I am glad you found us at MIP! Face to face meetings, my sponsor and working the steps have helped me to move from merely surviving to flourishing and I am glad you are on your way. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews taught me a lot in my early recovery and the 3 daily readers I received at my first few meetings have helped me daily. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome RoseLady...these 12 spiritual steps will help you get to know you. We have a saying in al anon that goes: keep coming back, it works if you work it and you are worth it. When you can, attend a face to face meeting; it is nothing like you have ever experienced before. You will be in the presence of sanity
Aloha Roselady...you found the family...just a note you won't have to tell him anything verbally cause your body language will speak for you. You can relax now and breathe and stop reacting to him and others who are not your responsibility and never were. Good Try!! however no one ever told me about powerlessness until I got into the program. There is lots of program ideas and slogans and shared Experiences you can borrow from and practice yourself. You're doing good coming and listening and sitting thru the meetings. Pick up the new ideas that catch with your thoughts and feelings; slogans like "Easy Does It" and "Let go and Let God" and "Turn it Over" were first lights for me and the idea of "Staying on my side of the street and keeping that clean" was new rocket science. The old idea of "Mind my own business" became new again and helped me to learn detachment which has become an artform. When the enabler learns detachment it puts the alcoholic at a disadvantage...he has lost his usual opponent. Biggest thing for me was to kill off any of my denials and plunge into recovery and that...saved my life and then my sanity. Good that you found home. We have lots of room and support to share. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 10th of March 2014 05:49:28 PM
Thank you ALL for your encouraging replies. It is So good not to feel so isolated and alone in this situation.
Now I am going to really work on detaching myself from his disease and not reacting to his behavior. I am going to lay this in God's hands now. I finally realize that I am just Not qualified to deal with this monster of a disease. I don't know what reaction my AH will have with my sudden change when he notices but it doesn't really matter to me now. I am already beginning to feel the weight of thinking I am responsible for his drinking and behavior being lifted off my back...
I will keep coming back here, to online meetings and soon face to face meetings... and will work the steps of Al Anon. It is hope I never had before.
Welcome. This is a great site. There are lots of books out there that you can buy from Amazon - Courage to Change, Hope for Today, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, Getting Them Sober (I am reading this now and it is an incredible book). I also have found a lot on alcoholism, denial, detachment, etc. on You Tube. You are not alone. Try taking care of you and not him. I have been told detachment is really the way to go. I did not get it for the longest time. Now I do. I try to keep to myself and keep busy without having an argument with my AH. It is one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Take care.
You have already got some great welcomes so I will just say....set some boundaries, don't enable and give him back his disease. When he has to take responsibility for his actions and finds out there is nobody to help him out of his crisis then he might realize something needs to be done. We can only pray.
Now that you have let go and let God take over you can start working on you. No begging anymore, no arguments about drinking, no wasting time looking for alcohol and trying to keep tabs on him. Put all that effort into you now.
Yes, read the book " Getting Them Sober " it is a eye opener on what to do and what not to do.
(((( hugs )))) you are not alone so keep coming back
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Welcome RoseLady! I am not new to al anon but I am new to this board. My story is very similar to yours. I just left my AH last week. That was after 11 years. I don't know how you lasted for 26!! I feel exactly the way you do. I am now taking care of me and my kids. I am tired of living in fear of when he would drink next. It is not a way to live. Congratulations for being so strong and making a choice to put yourself first! I wouldn't have been able to leave without al anon, my sponsor, and my HP. Keep going to meetings and try to find a sponsor. It will help you.
