Oops he did it again, major consequences this time! - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Oops he did it again, major consequences this time!

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

My prayers are with you. Not sure how good my ESH is but I know that when dealing with my ex it's absolutely best to make sure I have felt my anger, dissappointment, hurt etc, made peace with those feelings first and then tackle the facts of the situation with him only. I hate when people tell me what to say but I reckon this is a hard one so I'll give my 2c worth...In this particular case I think I'd say something along the lines of my daughter needing her mother to assist her with her female health issues and keep an eye on her personal hygene until you can get to the bottom of why it is recurring or something non-threatening and non-disputable like that. Most guys aren't going to put up a fight about that...I don't think I'd even mention the drinking; at least not until I have her and her stuff home and some sort of agreement about it being indefinite? Just my thoughts. Best not to get them defensive when you are looking for them to agree to something!
Hugs. You've tried so hard to do the best for your girl and give the XA the benefit of the doubt. You should feel proud of that!!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

This must be breaking your heart for her. Melly's suggestion is a wise one....it is about your little one's health and not his drinking. Initially I know I would want to go at him with my mama bear claws and rip his eyes out (just keepin' it real) and I know from my program work that would not be the best option smile First things first, though, and get your sweet little one the healing she needs, then take the next best action. (((BF and little one)))

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

No major words of advice, BF. I am so sorry. As you said, he's an A and drinking is what A's do. I hope your daughter feels better quickly and that the move back in with you goes well and that she adjusts. I can't imagine how hard this is for all of you. HUGS!!!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

BF, you have made great progress, knowing that As do what As do, and resolving to do what you agreed to do. Good for you! Keep it up! You can get through the day!

Kenny

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Positive thoughts coming your way.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Breaking)))))...you are not alone...take us with you and we will bring the prayers and ESH. More later as I read on.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

BF:

You are not alone; you have all the strength and tools you need and all of our prayers are with you. As doing what As do. It's a recurring theme for sure.

((((breakingfree))))

Mary

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I talked with him and he apologized before I said anything and he also said it is his program to work his way and does not want our agreement to be when he does not have the kids. I do not want any control over him (for one I am not dumb enough to believe that works anymore), but it also causes resentments on both sides. I told him that is fine and that as long as he can remain sober while he has our 5 year old, I can let her stay with him. I do believe at this point to transition her back to this school where she was having behavioral issues, does not make sense, from where she is by him with the teacher who is amazing with her makes sense. He is good with them when sober and more patient than I for the most part also. So we will continue on after this Spring break as we were and I will continue to work my program and stay out of his unless it is affecting my children. I do not wish to control nor play his HP any longer. He had said having her was harder than he thought it would be, but he knows this is the only time he will have with her alone and he is trying to enjoy it and make it memorable for them both. Newer updated boundaries between us made and refresh my detachment. Now to enjoy my kids and do fun stuff. Thanks for the ESH. Sending you all love and support!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 10th of March 2014 03:43:17 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

The only thing I can suggest is I stay away from the alcohol topic and let his actions be my words. I was able to secure a deal where my daughter has the say in leaving or staying. While I know your daughter is young it's something to consider when she's older. It is an empowerment for my girl. His alcohol issues are legally documented and he'd be foolish to go to court. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to do and that's totally ok. At this point mine isn't suppose to drink for a year .. I know good luck with that lol. At least if the kids have recourse should anything happen. Hugs .. s :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I know he has been honest and tells me when and if he messes up, so I have to just wait and see and in the mean time dig into my program. Our initial deal was no drinking when he had them, then he said he wanted to quit so he gave me his power and said not at all, well it turned into this messy thing. So now we put his drinking back on him and we will hope he can make it the next 2 1/2 months which he has done before and if not I deal with it then. My sponsor helped me through this and I can breath again since this morning working my program, coming here, calling my sponsor and reading al-anon today. I got out with my girls and since it was a heat wave at 53 degrees we had a snow ball fight with neighbor kids and got some much needed fresh air and laughs. Sending you love and support!

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Glad you were able to find a solution that you feel comfortable with. I know that feeling of wanting to go in and make big changes but realizing that sometimes compromise and slow/steady is the way to go. "The next right thing." Oh, and I've had the Britney Spears song stuck in my head since I read your post. :D

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Exactly wornoutmrsfixit I wanted to storm in and punish him, but in using my tools, I had to slow down and think and not overreact. Which is much more natural, but I did not communicate with him until I had calmed down and thought things through. So glad for al-anon!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 11th of March 2014 12:10:43 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are a good mom, I have always trusted your intuition.

If I were you I would suggest A get some bottled water just for her, or maybe send her a cute water bottle that fits on a back pack. or a water bottle that has a long strap she can carry. Encourage her to drink lots of water. Once they start this it could be a problem for her.

Just like some kids seem to always catch a cold.

My grampa had a cathetar so my Mother always had us drinking water.I did with my kids and so on. My kids always have a gallon of water in their vehicles. lol I am telling you it honestly helps to flush those bad things out. My kids rarely ever got sick.

Anyhoooo take a breath. Things are ok, you can only do as much as you can.its ok to say ok time out, take naps, watch a stupid movie and eat some yummy lowfat non dairy cheese cake! NO gmo's, only organic,no animal products...gonna get you vegan yet! hugz

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.