The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
a warm Welcome to Al Anon. and i feel with you with what you are going through right now. You will find here many people living through similar issues, stages, battles, emotions, pain. Many arrive here hopeless, stressed, fearful, sad, lonely, hateful too, as you describe it. Know that alcoholism is a disease that affects everybody that it comes in contacts with, and so also the family members, friends and life partners. that means that it will affect all our lives in that it distorts reality, is crazy-making at the long run, bring negativity, lies, hopelessness, depression many times. So what you feel right now is part of the 'normal' side affects of what alcohol does to people, using or not using. Many times the partner or those close to an alcoholic get as sick as the alcoholic, only that we don't have the sedative, reality-and-feeling-blocking 'medicine', that alcohol brings along. And therefore many times we get to suffer deeply more often.
You are right, you shouldn't take it personal. But we all know how difficult that is when living with an A that we actually love.
Here we can learn to find the way back to ourselves, for many times we have lost our Self along with alcoholism. through reading, sharing, researching about the disease, listening, asking, showing up, we educate ourselves and get a chance to get out of the grip alcohol has over people.
I came here 2 years ago, and I'm still coming back. for the people here know, what not everybody who hasn't lived it knows. There is a lot of knowledge and experience here and we are glad you found us.
Don't call your 20s a waste (even though I know oh too well what you mean with that .see it as a maturing process. You deserve good things and you did the first step in reclaiming your power over your life.
Welcome again. Please keep coming back. Big hugs to you!
Please also read the post by Tasha, a few down 'Welcome Family'.
and use the 'search' tag on the upper line to search for any subject you currently may think about, in older posts. Many people have been where we are.
grateful you are here.
I have felt the way you describe too and it's horrible, and understandably your feelings are running high but you know what? you are very young and have learnt an awful lot quickly, and if you keep coming back here and reading and learning you will find a wealth of experience and hope at your finger tips, I loved my person too very very much but not the crap that went with it, it helps me to know and think my love came from an healthy place for him, and remained always, but the bad stuff he did was his to own not mine, I took it personally too, until I learned here it was not my job, and it did tempararely take away my self confidence too,so I have had to work very hard to get me back, but I am back now and much much stronger and better for it, ((((((((hugs)))))))) keep coming back!
Forgiveness - Not an easy spot to be in. This too shall pass. You didn't waste your 20's I promised. YOu just made a choice to ensure your 30s are going to be better. Look at it that way. You are able to learn from mistakes your ex is not. He is the one that has really wasted the last however many years.
Hi. Welcome to MIP. The disease of alcoholism leads many of us to experience what you have experienced and to feel the way you do right now. As pinkchip stated, this too will pass. It will pass with the help of Al-Anon face to face meetings, literature, and self-care. We recommend attending at least 6 meetings before you know if Al-Anon is for you. The program is for us who get sick of feeling bad and want to feel good about ourselves and about our lives. We also offer on-line meetings as a supplement here twice a day as well as interaction on our MIP board like you are doing now.
Those of us who enter the program feeling angry and frustrated find help and hope in the program whether or not the drinker gets better. We learn that we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure the disease of alcoholism in our loved one nor can we change them. We also learn that our needs and wants, health and goals are important. We learn to refocus our love and energy on ourselves and let our loved one's HP take care of them. Keep coming back. You're not alone. We've been there, too.
If you gain insights into you, nothing has been wasted. The ability to release someone from a place of love is commendable, you sound wise and wonderful. Take good care of you and check out the 12 spiritual steps of al anon...(((hugs)))
I am 35 and setting my life up to be better for me and am working my al-anon program to keep myself from repeating some of the stuff I have repeated most my life and learned from childhood. This disease is not picky and wants to pull everyone under with it. Keep up the fight and dig into some face to face meetings and keep coming back here. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Your name shows you are already understanding a fundamental concept. Forgiveness of a person that you know is amazing, but is in the grips of a disease over which he has no control. I would say you are pretty amazing for grasping that out of the gate!
Your 20s weren't wasted, you went through a big learning experience. You will note as you read through the ESH here that there are many "repeat offenders" here, get involved with an alcoholic, divorce A, get back together with another A, on and on. So if you heave learned what the red flags are in your 20s, you are way ahead of the game compared to a lot of people!
When my alcoholic wife decided she was going to be sober, and got help for it, I had a lot of anger towards her. I couldn't give it to her, she was in a fragile state of recovery, and our marriage was even more fragile. Beating on her for transgressions she made while in the grip of a disease would have done us more harm than good. So I joined Al Anon.
I went a few times before I even spoke. But once I spoke, I went a few more months with my shares being mostly recalling my history with AW, ranting about this or that, etc. I was dumping off the anger. I still am, but I am getting it out of my system. It's great being able to be with people that understand the disease and our symptoms of insanity that go along with it, and still love us for who we are and are willing to listen to us rant about it until we can get it off our chest!
I hope you are able to go to a meeting, and get the support that you need and deserve!
I learned to hate my life, my A, and felt hopeless. For about 9 months have been very active in all the alanon stuff I can fit in my schedule. I am a new person, not perfect, but improved in a major way. I plan to continue with alanon. Give it a try! Lyne
So many of us have felt that feeling of hopelessness and have found such solace and serenity in this program. It has been helpful for me to go to meetings, do readings and work a solid program.
I can relate to your feelings but am a little farther down the road than you--I just left a 22 year marriage and at age 45 am starting lots of things all over again. Sometimes I feel down about it and I try to remember had I not taken steps for myself I would have been a sick and sad woman at age 50, 55, 60 and so on and on.
Good for you to make changes that are healthy for you
I thank you all so much.
I feel more comfortable sharing that when I found out he cheated with another woman last weekend, I tried to take my life.
I feel a lot of shame and disappointment that I allowed myself to get here.
I will be going to my first Al-Anon meeting on Thursday.
I thank you for the support.
If anyone wants to share their story with me more in depth
, I would be so open to talking
I am so glad you did not succeed and are hear to learn a better way of life. You are a great example for others, to keep placing one foot in front of the other. Make it to the meetings, read everything al-anon and keep coming back, you are worth it! Sending you much love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Okay...I will share an important awareness I came to after getting into Al-Anon. I was also a "suicide is the only solution" type person. I have made earlier attempts and have come to the awareness that all of those attempts were for committing suicide the "unsuccessful or wrong way". I came into Al-Anon twice and the second time with the belief that if I could lay down and hold my breath for 15 seconds longer than I could as a diver (3 mins and 10 secs) I would just pass on. I won't go into earlier attempts. Let me say that to kill myself by just ending my life would be an unsuccessful suicide. In program I learned about the successful method or "Ending how I lived my life". Changing what I could about what it was that I did is my successful suicide. I no longer live the way I use to and no longer want to miss even one day of the life that I have now.
I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. I married addicts and alcoholic/addicts and no longer drink myself because of my own addiction to the chemical. On a daily basis I stay new in thoughts, feelings and spirit and know absolutely I am not hopeless or helpless.
Along with my Higher Power I have this world-wide family that loves and accepts me unconditionally warts and smiles and weird humor and all and allows me to love them back the same way. It doesn't get any better than this. I use to try to get this from one single person and most usually that person was unable and unqualified and unwilling to participate.
Try the successful method...change how you're living your life. I'm in support always. (((((hugs)))))
Okay...I will share an important awareness I came to after getting into Al-Anon. I was also a "suicide is the only solution" type person. I have made earlier attempts and have come to the awareness that all of those attempts were for committing suicide the "unsuccessful or wrong way". I came into Al-Anon twice and the second time with the belief that if I could lay down and hold my breath for 15 seconds longer than I could as a diver (3 mins and 10 secs) I would just pass on. I won't go into earlier attempts. Let me say that to kill myself by just ending my life would be an unsuccessful suicide. In program I learned about the successful method or "Ending how I lived my life". Changing what I could about what it was that I did is my successful suicide. I no longer live the way I use to and no longer want to miss even one day of the life that I have now.
I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. I married addicts and alcoholic/addicts and no longer drink myself because of my own addiction to the chemical. On a daily basis I stay new in thoughts, feelings and spirit and know absolutely I am not hopeless or helpless.
Along with my Higher Power I have this world-wide family that loves and accepts me unconditionally warts and smiles and weird humor and all and allows me to love them back the same way. It doesn't get any better than this. I use to try to get this from one single person and most usually that person was unable and unqualified and unwilling to participate.
Try the successful method...change how you're living your life. I'm in support always. (((((hugs)))))
.see it as a maturing process. You deserve good things and you did the first step in reclaiming your power over your life.