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My name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Tonight, my dad made me an offer in an effort to help me. He knows I'll be house hunting soon and offered that I could live with him while I am looking so that way I can save on a few months rent I would be paying.
We had an honest talk about it. He seems to be working his program. He's been sober the last few times I've seen him. About 2 months. Even if poop did hit the fan I'd only be living there a bit and there would be light at the end of the tunnel. I told him 'I think back of what it was like living with you and I don't know if I can go through that again'. He said he understood but won't be asking for rides has his sister helping him out with that stuff now. He says he was never able to help me out but feels he can now by letting me live there for the time it takes to search.
It could potentially put about $3000 in my pocket that would help. I have a solid program, support and things I never had the first time.
I said I would let him know. It seems like I want to do this and am looking for reasons to proceed but I just cannot trust him.....I don't know.
I'm really fishy on it, but could use the help.....What do you guys think?
Jim you get the opportunity to "think about it" YAY man...don't react!! Get up the consequences you want and then make the choice. You get to practice all kinds of program with this which reminds me that I learned it was best to have both the alcoholic and the sponsor at the same time. HP isn't an option. Gotta have HP all the time. (((hugs)))
Do you have a Plan B if living with him doesn't work out? That might put your mind at ease more. It sounds like you could save quite a bit of money which would be helpful to you You mentioned that your dad is sober a few months. My father had a lot of trouble verbally making amends to me when he got sober. He had no program but he use to want to do nice things for me. I took that as his amends. You're right... you have Alanon. Good luck with you decision and your new home. Beginnings can be very exciting in a good way. Hope that will be so for both you and your dad. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 9th of March 2014 10:54:49 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
This is an interesting offer, and it's something you can look at from all angles and perspectives, I think which ever way you decide to proceed it's progress and an opportunity for both sides to practice amends, you know you need to be cautious too and have no expectations, I am happy for you both, good luck xxxx
I can say that having been what I've been through, I would never choose to live with an alcoholic, even temporarily, unless he had been securely sober for a number of years. In early recovery the odds of relapse are very high. Even if they achieve longterm sobriety, the relapses along the way are the same old chaos and insanity. For all of us in recovery ourselves, our serenity is the most precious thing of all more important than money, jobs, possessions... It's hard to work our way to serenity and losing my gains is a real threat. Even when alcoholics have been in recovery for a good amount of time they often retain many of the "isms" of the drinker. So the drinking isn't there but they aren't wholly sane and balanced people. For me, being around an alcoholic much has a similar effect to an alcoholic walking into a bar all my old chaos and anger and despair flood back into me. I have to walk out of the situation to recover myself. And if the alcoholic does drink well, it's red alert for me.
I know that huge sense of wanting one's parent to offer the care and help that I see many parents do for their kids. And for those of us who grew up with neglectful parents, the craving for that is stronger like, "Why can't I have any of that? I'm starving for it!" But sometimes the price we pay to try to get it is risky.
I hope you'll think this over carefully. I can't remember if you have a sponsor? This might be something to talk over with your sponsor so you're fully prepared when you decide. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Hey There Slogan_Jim, interesting indeed... My Dad never helped me out much either, seemed that my sister and brother needed the help more maybe in his eyes? Never got many freebies myself. I sometimes would feel like. "hey hello, I'm over here, what about me??" All I can say is that I ended up being a responsible self sufficient adult- so that is what my Dad gave me, and that is REALLY SOMETHING, not a material thing but something that will serve me well for a lifetime. Now that he is at a point where he could give out the money, he asks me all the time if I need anything, what can I do to help. I tell him I'm good Dad, thanks for the offer though. I'll let you know. You see, so THE OFFER, the thought that he wanted to help is the GIFT to me.
I had to live with my Dad for a while after my Mom passed from cancer. We had sold our first home and took a beating at settlement, didn't loose money, but gained nothing, had no down payment for a new home. I looked for a new house every waking moment, after work, weekends consumed by doing drive past trips to book with Real Estate Agents. His mortgage was paid off so, we payed the electric and food bills and I cooked dinner and we did the dishes and cleaned. Still Dad got grumpier and grumpier, drank more every passing day, kicked the kids toys on the floor, he was mean to me, my kids and my husband. We stayed (Husband, I and 2 kids in elementary school) with him for 8 months, 26 days, 6 hours, and 15 minutes...you get my drift! I personally would never stay with him again.
I think you would need very strong boundaries for your protection and a good strong Plan B, or just take the GIFT of the offer and let that be enough... just knowing that he wanted to help you. Take what you want. Good Luck and Congratulations!
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Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed.
I visited my Mom for 2 weeks and I went ape, but she is active and I was very new in my program. I like others ESH on having a plan B, I know some hotels rent weekly cheaply if you get in a pinch if you have to get out of where you are now and are trying to avoid a lease agreement. Listen to your red flags and I love that you are thinking and not reacting here. You will know what is right for you within, you work a solid program! Sending you love and support on your decision making!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Benefits:
-I have a strong program.
-I have program friends I can call and talk to.
-He won't have a car so if he does go out and drink, he'll be walking or cabbing it so no worries about calls from the cops or him hitting someone.
-He is working a stronger program. He still has a ways to go but it's stronger than it was.
-There is light at the end of the tunnel. My end game is to purchase something. Something I didn't think would be possible at this point.
-There was a loan I co-signed for him that I needed him to pay off and he came through.
-We can both openly talk about our recoveries.
Disadvantages;
-Back living with an alcoholic.
-I could end up getting comfortable making the extra money and postpone my purchase.
-It could take longer than expected and he could suddenly turn on his promise and demand rent and such.
I plan on calling a real estate agent on April 22. I will make my decision after I speak to them.
...hahaha....not a thing. I guess I can interpret that as only having to gain from this offer.