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Hey guys, quick question. When the A in your life chooses not to drink that day, do you bring it up in almost a "thank you for making that choice today" sort of way? Or is it better to just not mention it?
Or is it better to just carry on as usual?
Well, I thanked my AW for it once, and pissed her off. That was be for I discovered it didn't matter whether or not she drank. She now knows what to expect when she drinks, because it is now established that I don't want her drinking in the house. I have articulated my boundary to AW, and she understands it. She is in recovery now but that doesn't matter, she is always one drink away from relapse.
Outlining the boundaries is what has worked for me.
Might be okay not to bring up the "drinking" problem...not that there is an elephant in the living room denial system and just because it can be never ending and it is also okay to "turn it over and let go and let God". I once heard a recovering alcoholic tell his meeting that it is sober that is normal and drunk that is not. End of story. ((((hugs))))
I always felt grateful if he didn't drink but it can be a sure sign of the obsessive and controlling symptoms we feel. Alanon learns you to focus on yourself regardless if they drink or not.x
In my experience this caused negative reactions from my AH. When he first tried quitting, I said nothing, then he would get mad and pout, saying I didn't even notice how hard he was trying. So then I would say things like, I'm proud of you, I see that you are doing well. Then he would get angry that I even brought it up. So finally I just put the focus on myself and started congratulating myself on my own progress! It is true, the A is going to do what he is going to do, regardless of what we say or don't say. I think he was just angry and miserable at the beginning. Things are better now, but I just let him work on his own sobriety, and I stay focused on me and dealing with my own parts of the disease.
I think you could say something positive about the day. Give him positive reinforcement about something he did to help around the house or just say "today was a nice day'. While it feels like their drinking is the biggest thing in our joint lives, it is just a fact of theirs so he might feel shame if you mention his drinking. My ABF is in such denial about his drinking that I don't waste my breath talking to him about it anymore but if he is calm and pleasant to be around; I make sure to tell him.
You get more bees with sugar than you do with vinegar.
((( e-hug )))
-- Edited by sad_dog_mommy on Monday 10th of March 2014 08:16:06 AM
I remember when my AF visited me (the only time I ever saw him sober) and announced that he had quit drinking. I mentioned that it was nice to see him sober and he went beserk at me, "I'm doing this for me, not anyone else" blah blah. I made a mental note that day not to ever comment on anyone's sobriety again and have stuck to it. I also changed my mind; it wasn't all that nice to see him after all, lol.
I think you got your answer , the only time I ever addressed his sobriety was on his birthday ( sober bd) I bought a card thanking him for another great yr or at 5 yr intervals I bought him a sobriety coin . he is coming up to his 25th yr now and I will purchase another sobriety coin... just my opinion . Louise
For me I would put this in a step one--it doesn't matter what I do, say, don't do, don't say....these things won't have an effect on whether the A is drinking or not. Keeping the focus on yourself is healthier for you and I have heard alcoholics say that when it is remarked upon (their drinking or not) they have felt under the microscope.
I think every person is different and that includes the Alcoholic...lol
It's true his drinking is not about you, so saying thank you for not drinking , then it becomes about you, I think its inappropriate.
There is nothing wrong with saying something encouraging and watching the response and seeing if they are open to it.
It doesn't have to be a big discussion, even an occasional, I see the efforts you are making and its great'; would be ok.
