The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
if youve read any of my piats you know my story. similar to many. the past few days ive found myself profoundly depressed, anxious, lonely to the core and furious. its as if all of the tools have lost their ability to work, as if detachment is a foreign word, as if let go let God is another way of giving up. i just want it to all stop. to go away. to disappear. i want alcohol off the plaent, i want a companion in my marriage not an anchor, i want to be connected to someone not always at a loss, i want friends. . with kids who are kind, decent healthy people, i want my ah to grow up and stop being so damn selfish. i want to be noticed fir being a human being with a heart and feelings. . nit just a body that cooks cleans and cares for. . i want to feel better. right now im questioning God, im wondering if this program is working for me or just prolonging the agony of "fine alcohol, you win" sorry all, im just in a bad place.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I hear you Oceancalls me Actually we all understand and have struggled as you are doing-- As the First Step suggests_ . We need to stop fighting the disease, and accept that we are powerless over it. Being powerless does not mean helpless.
We have to surrender to win. This means we cannot change the alcoholic and must change ourselves. We are important and our wants and needs are valid Focusing on what we need and our lives helps us to take constructive actions and will move us to a more constructive path.
You sound as if you have hit a bottom and that might be where you need to be so as to l be able to make a different choice.
Prayers for your recovery. This is a dreadful disease.
Been there and done that and still remember that loud SUCKING sound that told me my life was empty, empty empty. It wasn't of course I just hadn't learned a new way of living my life after I started cutting my self away from alcoholism. There were holes left when I started getting people, places and things that had to do with the disease out of my life. What did I have to fill the holes?? I had no idea what was available and what would fit and so I got anxious as hell thinking I had to fill them right away. The slogans "EASY DOES IT" "LET GO AND LET GOD" "ONE DAY AT A TIME"...hell all of the slogans kept me rooted and in place because that was all I needed. When I came to understand that not "everything" was screwed up I became hopeful and then "not helpless". Patience, the practice of letting "time take time" and humility, the practice of "being teachable" were like finding a diamond mine and always there was the fellowship...God!! how many loving people could I get into my life...the number was endless and today the number is countless. You might not be such a mess (((Ocean))) and rather just a work in progress. If you need to and it's not too cold or dangerous...go outside to a safe place and take the time to throw a tantrum. Remember when you were a child and wasn't getting what you wanted when you wanted it and that thingy you might have done to make your statement...yeah the stomping of the feet and wild hand and arm flails and the loud grumbling and hopping around?...do that for 10 to 15 seconds and then stand still...whisper "thank you" to your higher power and move on. It works for me or did when I needed to do it in early recovery. I've done that out in the open in shopping malls. I needed to cause I was feeling just like you describe here and you know what...No one noticed, commented or ran around or away from me. Humbling. You're worthy. Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
You got some great ESH here. I don't think you really want the disease to win.....so start saying the serenity prayer over and over so you know you can't do ANYTHING in this world to change him or make him care for you. You can start one step at a time and get recovery so maybe just maybe you will get your A back someday.
I'm seeing with my changing, things are coming together in my life. I know I can be happy if I want it. It can for you too no matter if he drinks or he doesn't.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
i dont want the disease to win. . a win for the diseasr seems like a crazy huge loss for me. i just want to be able to breathe each days, live on my side of the street, care for my precious child and find joy. . regardless of his garbage. he could quite drinking tomorrow and the fact remains there is still garbage. i will never truly accept his lifestyle i would instead like to find a way to at least live amongst it until my daughter is old enough or he finds his bottom . . .your responses gave me some encouragement im just struggling to remember that this program is for me not him. lately i have been hyper focused on him and frankly its making me crazy.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
i want a companion in my marriage not an anchor, i want to be connected to someone not always at a loss, i want friends. . with kids who are kind, decent healthy people, i want my ah to grow up and stop being so damn selfish. i want to be noticed fir being a human being with a heart and feelings. . nit just a body that cooks cleans and cares for. . i want to feel better. right now im questioning God, im wondering if this program is working for me or just prolonging the agony of "fine alcohol, you win" sorry all, im just in a bad place.
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Oh yeah, I want all those things too. But I go to AlAnon meetings and my friends there appreciate me in all those ways. The alcoholic? Not so much.
This has been a bad week for me too because the hubby had surgery for prostate cancer which means I am his nurse in a very real way. (Major surgery and then home the next day!!!) He is NOT a good patient and I dropped out half way through nursing school because I am not very compassionate toward babies unless they are numerically a baby.... its all about expectations.
I have been to lots of meetings this week that have helped me immensely. He has become some one you described above. But I know he is sick/ you know he is sick. Get to meetings and get your verification there. Get your hugs there. Get your good feelings there. The program IS working for you. It is making you aware of your feelings. Before you were treated the same and you knew you were miserable but didn't know why.
I truly believe that this disease wants all of us, the alcoholic and the SO dead. It will win when and if I give up attending alanon meetings, stop focusing on myself, stop working the slogans and the Steps, stop trusting HP and begin to demand that my Self Will wins .
Theo: I've been there, too, with my x. I wanted what you want. I learned I didn't need it. And then I was led on a journey towards wholeness that made all the letting go of what I wanted well worth the surrender. Many prayers for you and for your family.
When I said it won...I mean it's been driving your husband and ruining your marriage a long time. It has claimed him for now...not you though. Take care of yourself and don't go to war with alcohol. That's futile. Go to Alanon to learn peace.
((((Theoceancalls))) been there, felt exactly the same and now I can say, when looking back: this is work in process and change in progress. Change feels like that. Your awareness is there, you realize what's going onit hasn't always been like that, remember. So now that you know what you want (and you have a quite detailed list there), you can start woking in that direction, one step at the time, one day at the time.
take all the 'want's that are only related to you, and turn them as far as possible into reality. 'I want to feel better', would be, i do something good to myself, like a sauna, a massage, a language course, a cooking class, yoga, swimminganything i like doing, a walk in the forest , planting the garden.reading a good book. and with that slowly the focus comes back on me, and me only. We are allowed to be selfish at this point (healthy selfish) everything A-concerned, let it bedrop ithis unhappiness, his moodiness, his pain, his manipulation, his drinking or not drinkingdrop it. and replace those holes with something (you, your children, your health, mental or physical) it will be a good investment, i promise. don't give up just yeti know we get tired sometimes, and we feel the whole world sits on our shoulders. but the truth is, there is so much drama in our lives related only to the A and his moods. If we manage to substract that from who WE are, life feels already so much lighter and color comes back. i tell you, what you feel right now, is CHANGEand awakening of self-worth.
good for you. continue ..and breathe.
we love you!and support you.
trying to breathe. . thank you. i know i have become obssessed with my ah. . .seriously. every movement he makes impacts me, every word. . all of it. i liked it better when i was, i thought, detached and living despite his insanity. granted its not my ideal and im not sure its where i shoykd be but i was doing a far better job liviing with him and frankly myself than i am now. the SUCKING reference someone mentioned in an earlier response is where im at. im having trouble catching my breath.maybe may hp is telling me somwthong and my refusal to act, to divirce is why im at such a low. i jyst feel so overwhelmed. like such a failure. . this was not my dream, not even close. im ashamed. embarassed, angry, annoyed, scared for what this does to my daughter to see her dad basicaly useless as a functioning member of our family, i worry about her every day. im isolting myself i have few friends as i think maby if them have given up on me cuz i stay in this train wreck of a relation. . bittom line, imnot ok right now and getting to a face face mtg is all but impossibe but maybe i need to force it. . .t thing is, i cant get to them reguraly so what good is one. . .sorry for the typos, im on a handheld device and rushing. . .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Theo: One meeting for me was magical for lack of a better term. I just sat and listened and felt an immediate lifting of the heaviness and angst that I felt when I entered the room again after a time away from them. Although divorce is an option for you, it is not the only one. As a reminder, Al-Anon suggests we not make any major moves until we've been actively involved in the program for at least 6 months. Considering how bad you are feeling, attending meetings may be the best action you can take for right now? I was able to make some very difficult choices because of the courage and wisdom I gained just working the program with the fellowship in face to face meetings without anybody giving me a word of advice. With the meetings and the fellowship I would have simply twisted in the wind.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 10th of March 2014 08:02:27 AM
TheOceanCalls: You know already that I am in the same situation as you. No emotional connection to my AH, etc. I felt, at times, like my soul was being sucked out of me. As I've worked my program, I realized that I was allowing my soul to be sucked dry and that I could change it. For me, working the program is like taking a few steps forward, and WAY MORE THAN ONE step backwards at times. I, too, get that depressed 'you win alcohol' feeling. Actually, I was just feeling sorry for myself this AM and was ready to throw in the towel on recovery. So many days where I wish I could put my head back in to the sand and forget that I even know the things I know about AH and about US.
But, I can't do that anymore. I know the truth and whenever I start struggling I read the acceptance 'prayer' from AA:
God, acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. Until I can accept my Alcoholism (Alanonism), I cannot stay Sober (Sane); unless I accept life completely on lifes terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitude.
I cut and pasted this for you above. Take a few deep breaths, meditate on something that brings you peace, eat a cookie(well, I had to stop doing this myself because I gained a few pounds, LOL), and take heart in knowing that your HP has you right where you are supposed to be and that truly 'this too shall change'. It will not stay like this forever. Knowing that one fact is what gives me peace when panic sets in and I feel beaten down by alcoholism. HUGS!!!
For me life is overwhelming right now so I am digging into reading al-anon literature like my 3 daily readers and some not al-anon like "Codependent No More" Getting Them Sober" because I need to remember I am not God nor in control of much outside of myself and this is not a perfect world. I can relate and am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am also where you are at (TheOceanCalls). Over the weekend I went on a huge tyrade, rant against my S/O b/c he is NOT LIVING UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS. I'm endlessly trying to push that square peg into a round hole over and over again. Because of Al-Anon I was able to stop myself from THROWING HIM OUT OF MY LIFE again b/c I know when I am calm that I want him in my life. It is very tricky this disease. It can easily push me to the brink of insanity even when I've maintained serenity for numerous days in a row! Bottom line, I love him but I hate the illness. I too keep wondering if HP is showing me the reality of my situation in an effort to make me understand he is not the right man for me. I am putting off making that decision right now. Al-anon definitely helped me work myself out of my "woe is me pity party" a lot quicker this time but it still happened. It was still a SLIP. Serenity Losing It's Priority! Today is a new day. 12:00 noon will be a new hour. If I break it down to one hour at a time it is easier to manage. I allowed myself to get overwhelmed this weekend. I let my disease of co-dependence consume me. Yesterday I was surrounded by family but felt an unmistakable loneliness to my core b/c I was obsessing about my s/o. I was easily irritated and frustrated and that is not fair to the family who were trying to share time with me especially my son who had been away at overnight sleep over and had just gotten home. I was so focused on the behavior of my s/o I didn't even properly welcome him home. I paid him extra attention this morning. I could regret or I could act. It's such an laborious process, getting better ourselves.
