The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and OMGOSH did that just tick me off .. LOL!! I'm working a 4th step on resentments (DUH!) and working with an RA friend of mine who has a lot of years. We had a discussion about it at meeting on Saturday. I just can't swallow the dang Blue Print for Progress .. it is not simple and for a simple program it's to much information I just need more direct direction if that makes sense or not I don't know.
I have been bleeding out sideways with the stbax seeing the kids and that has just sucked bad. I don't like this person that I am when that happens and we were talking the 3 A's and dealing with things moving forward and so on. I'm frustrated about many things and I DO have justifiable resentments as I'm sure most of us dealing with active A's do .. who am I if I let those go? What happens to my drive? Where do I go from here? I decided ironically before the kids saw the stbax that it is time .. I don't know why it moved me the way it did .. it just did. So I have been given an assignment I will be reporting in to him, my therapist and my sponsor for feedback on.
STBAX is way worse than I realized and he is sooooo dry drunking it .. after the last conversation with the kids and the last visitation he has lost his mind in HUGE ways I don't even know what to say about it all right now. He can't recall from one moment to another .. they were suppose to pick a cat out and that came and went no mention. He broke his cell phone (supposedly why he couldn't call on his Sunday time frame .. LOL .. he is crazy .. no doubt) .. same cell phone. In the last 2 weeks he has managed to change churches and the event he was going to at one he's going to at the new church?? The conflicting messages he sends the kids .. let me know if you need anything .. they tell him they do and then he gets mad .. this is sooooo July 2012 all over again. Plus he's pressuring the kids about spending the night AND he's telling them how he's introducing them to his "friends" and my daughter is like umm .. we will see because right now you need to gain our trust back and it is so not there. He doesn't get it. I really feel sorry for him in that regard it is soooo about HIM. He is only seeing the kids after 7 months not even 2x a month and we are talking 3 - 4 hours .. my daughter has decided on her own and my boy is in agreement that they aren't ready for longer times. Honestly I think some of his need for being out is that he can't deal with them directly .. he even threw out there how they were going to visit his brother 4 hours from here and my daughter just looked at him and said we'll see .. that's not up to you.
Can you believe that I lost my mind yesterday and seriously thought OMGOSH .. he's better I'm worse .. this is MY defunct thinking and EXACTLY why I need to do this exercise .. I will be doing it today and figuring out my next step.
I do know and I can tell I'm on a WHOLE new level of healing that part feels REALLY good. I woke up today refocused especially after talking to my sponsor last night .. HOLY COW .. we laughed at my thoughts .. they were just out there. Plus I had a whole added level of betrayal .. it was not pretty .. his s/mom .. I don't know what to think right now this is the world according to my stbax and I don't think he's ok in that world and his distorted thinking and vision of that world is just a mess.
I know he's not dealing with his anxiety because he had another panic attack in November/December .. LOL .. this time I wasn't notified about it .. I have sources .. and they always come through at the right times.
Anyway, I'm doing ok and I have been reading some books one is alanon and the other is a biblically based Conflict Resolution book and I'm telling you that is soooo what I'm going through right now .. it is AMAZING!! In the How Alanon Works book I'm working out of chapter 6 and that is just speaking my life at the moment and the emotional garbage I'm putting myself through.
To end my week another RA girlfriend of mine relapsed only thank goodness I'm soooo grateful she's already doing what she needs to do. My other friend never did go back to a meeting and it breaks my heart for her. This one is doing exactly what she needs to do to get right and it is a gift that she allows me to take a look at the inner workings of what is going on with her.
Thanks for letting me share,
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((((Serenity))))) the title of your share caught me dead because it is an AA statement. I am a double and before reading your share had to check what board I was on. Has your sponsor seen the Blue Print for Progress? I've done 6 4th steps and my first ones were "split page" variations of what can be described in the Big Book and I did those with my Al-Anon Sponsor and while I now believe that it is fully progress not perfection it was the entire journey thru the 4th -and- addictional work using my sponsor and the Serenity Prayer that allowed for the best picture I could get of myself. My sponsor use to do one heck of a BPFP meeting which drew packed meeting rooms and still applied other methods. The point there is that he supported and helped me using the program tools I was a member of. Is your attraction to AA have something to do with your Alcoholic's condition and your perception that he isn't isn't recovering? Just a question because your post also reminded me of the relationshiip I had with my own Al-Anon sponsor who told me to stop using the pronouns, she, her or my wife and her name or he would back off of working with the person we were supposed to be working on ...me, myself, I. My only problem is me and my only solution is my Higher Power who placed the program of Al-Anon in my life. Part of my inventory journey was and is not only about what I did, it was about why I did it which was more elousive to me. After I disclose what it was that I did which the 4th step revealed he use to ask me "then why did you do it and ...why did you do it that way"? I needed the questions because the 4th emphasizes "searching and fearless" along with moral; the difference between right and wrong.
My alcoholic/Addict wife became "none of my business" even so much as to commenting or giving thought to who she was taking up with while I was out of her life even when I came face to face with that person. She was none of my business even when she called to engage me in the insanity which I would use to control and manipulate and to justify my resentments. "Your phone has an off button...use it" was his suggestion against my compulsion to show her she was the problem and reason for all of my insanity. I stopped using pronouns that indicated other people were the reasons for my problems. I also relate to your statement that "this time I wasn't notified...I have sources...and they always come thru at the right time".
Chapter 6 of How Al-Anon Works is hugh for me especially toward the end when the member tells the reader what she did, why and how. I relate to the last paragraph because I hear and see it alot and have and am experiencing it myself. Your ability to each out for and get help is right in line with my own experience with my Al-Anon sponsor who told me to "find and use whatever was available to me to gain and maintain my serenity". Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Jerry hugs ... lol .. I can't see your post so I will have to go back and split this post up. I attend open AA meetings not for my stbax .. honestly I relate to RA stories sometimes more than the Alanon shares ..there for the grace of God go I. All I have to do is take the words alcohol and alcoholism out of the story and I have those feelings. I don't know if that makes sense. My RA friend is 30 years sober and I know when I want a clear perspective on anything and my Alanon sponsor is not available he gives me what I need. I need to deal with these resentments not later .. now. I don't want to do the blue print because it's just cumbersome for this part of what I need to do. His suggestion was pray .. and get 5 - 7 title pages of I have resentments with my (fill in the blank) .. just start writing. Some of what I wrote is just a vent .. yesterday dealing with the insanity stbax is throwing out .. court 2x next week .. it's a lot to take in and I'm frustrated the kids even have to deal with it short term .. I don't see it being long term. I completely disagree with the statement it's none of my business when it comes to the safety and well-being of my children. He's not stable. This behavior showcases how ill he is and if I'm not ok dealing with it they won't be either. Part of the reason I want to deal with these resentments now and I feel the urgency to get it done. He's doing what alcoholics do. Blaming, shaming, deflecting .. He's more than welcome to continue the dysfunction with whoever he chooses .. My kids deserve to feel safe and loved even if he can't give that to them .. they need to know his issue not theirs. My alanon sponsor and I have discussed doing the 4th one bite at a time. I am ok doing it that way. I have had a very intense therapy schedule in the past 6 months and I'm ready to wind down. EMDR has helped a great deal. Anyway I hope that clarifies what I was expressing and where I'm at. :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sister...been there...often...and done that just as often...that is why my Al-Anon sponsor encouraged me to look for, find and use whatever was available to me to gain and maintain my serenity...recovery...spirituality etc. I didn't like or entertain the idea of attempting to live without help and I didn't. I once use to use the Serenity Prayer as a default to turning everything, every decision and problem over to my HP and use to indicate that to him during the sponsoring period. He asked me again, "Why do you do that"? and then followed it up with "How do you know what you can or cannot change without making the effort also yourself. Bleeeah...put me to work from that day on. (((((hugs)))))
