Hello, and welcome to MIP - if you are new here, we are glad to see you reaching out for help for yourself.  There are many resources here at Miracles In Progress.  It is an amazing website.  The founder and webmaster of MIP, an amazing example of working several 12 step 'programs' is remarkable.  During my opportunity to learn and grow here, I have read posts across all of the 'boards' by our founder.  I have spoke to him personally, because I had to see for myself if he was 'real'.  Well folks - he is.  We spoke of his experiences in the different 'rooms' and here at MIP.  His stories of life and love, were every bit as real as mine.  The challenges he's faced and over come with his Higher Power are truly inspiring.  If you get a chance to search out some of those posts here at MIP, it is well worth your time.  You - giving You - the best possible chance at a healthy life and recovery, is what we're here to do.  Reach out, read, connect, share and learn to love ourselves the way our loving Higher Power does.  Our founder here at MIP has never let his status tear down his humility and sincerity after all these years.   That is just one of the many miracles offered here.  You are now one of those miracles too. 

The path of our founder is not uncommon, for those who enter with an open mind and an open heart.  However, at the same time, it is the road less traveled.  

Usually when we get to a place of recovery, we are looking for help for our self, however, our own "unwell" leads us to believe we should be here to help 'them'.  

Hopefully there are local face to face Alanon or CoDA or ACOA meetings in your area.  It will be important for you to learn about addiction, the disease model, the fact that what he is doing isn't 'about you', 'at you', or that stopping isn't 'for you'.  The disease does not allow him to stop for someone else.  All we can do is move out of the way so the disease can progress to the point of him/her hitting a bottom that can thwart him/her into recovery.  At some point, it becomes obvious to the addict that they can no longer live with it - or with out it.  When they reach this jumping off place... they are more likely to seek help for them selves, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to make them 'see' their disease except to LET that disease take everything away so the tragic reality of the situation is undeniable.   We have a slogan here:  "I can't, my Higher power can, I think I'll LET Him".  

And while you are busy 'letting him'...  YOU get to start to heal yourself!  You get to discover how and what brought you here.  You will get a chance to look at your own upbringing, and the dysfunction that set you up to perfectly and equally to match the addict or otherwise dysfunctional person in your life.  You didn't end up here by mistake.  No matter if you are a parent, a sibling, a daughter, spouse or friend... you will find that you too - were raised with shame, blame and became someone who you are not truly.  This affected your choices, and others around you.  We are a circle of recovery here at MIP - all equals on the path.  All recovering from the same things no matter what the 'title on the door' says to our recovery family.  Here, we learn to recover from thinking we are better or worse than anyone else, and it is the key to freedom from the bondage of self.  We learn that our higher power didn't make junk or a mistake in us - or anyone else.  We learn to treat all of our human family as the gifts to this Earth, that they are.  People get sick, we live in a 'sick' world it seems.  We didn't ask for it and no one else did either.  But we CAN do something to make our world a better place:  Never give up on our SELF again.  By recovering - we help others in the purest form - we offer them our true self which is honesty - and our true self represents Love --- not hate, sickness, addictions, control, lying, over eating, focusing on others etc etc etc.  

So - You - would be something the disease would take away from the unwell person in your life.   You and only you will have to decide if you love him enough to let him get to a bottom or not.  Sometimes we don't know how to love ourselves enough to truly love some one else in this way.  In recovery we learn how.  Sometimes our own codependency and 'unwell/disease' needs us to keep in contact with another diseased person so we don't have to look at our own self or issues or upbringing.  Just like he is using his drugs to not look at himself - essentially, both parties are 'running from themselves' and it results in them keeping each other sick. 

It's impossible for me to know your entire situation - but my experience was that when my husband made my disease very obvious to me by telling me he was leaving with my kids - that was my 'moment of clarity' and I got into recovery and am forever grateful to him for loving me enough to let me go.  He sought out the help of a co-worker in the program for strength.  He reached out to his family for support.  He broke our 'secret' and had his own moment of clarity.  Today, I can only believe it was divinely inspired. 

Today our family is restored (eh, I don't like that word because there was really nothing to be restored to) - so today, our family has a NEW freedom and life beyond my wildest dreams.  Better than I could have ever asked for or imagined.  I can say that even if he had left and that wouldn't have presented my bottom to my disease - it would have been helping me get there.  Today - because of his work in CODA/Alanon/ACA recovery - he knows that if I wouldn't have gotten into recovery the day after he decided to leave me with 'nothing for my disease to feed on or focus on' it would NOT have been because I didn't love him or he wasn't worth it - that's just not how the disease functions.  The brain is hijacked while under the influence of anything (even other people, as we have internal drugs released that can make us addicted to chaos if we grew up that way) and there is no clear thinking or real loving capabilities at that time.

We come here to learn to love our selves enough to let others be who they are, even if that means sick.  Even if that means they get healthy and find out we 'aren't the one'.  It's a journey - but the end result is:  I'm okay no matter what happens in my life today.  I wish that peace and freedom to you my recovery sisters and brothers.  May the step work, sponsorship and program do for you, what it has done for me and many others. 

Peace &  Love

P.S.  Please keep coming back - you help us by helping you.

P.S.S to John, Thank you for all you do here - and thank you so much for proof reading this for me with humility and love before I posted it.  You are such an inspiration to me.