Aloha (((Ocean)))...my college text on the subject was "Under the Influence" which is a paper back and still under print I'm most sure.  It is considered the hallmark of publications on the subject.  Yes I went to college on the disease and while I got lots of answers about me in the program I wanted to know what the alcoholic was going thru too.  What helped me in the program was that we use to read the AMA definition of alcoholism at the start of every meeting and it stuck with me.  You can find lots of links on the subject of alcoholism on your computer...read slowly and with an open mind as I did.  When I was done with reading and college my mind was blown about how powerful the chemical is and how life long the disease is.  For me there is nothing in the area of diseases that matches this one...nothing.  It predates the life of the Christ by thousands of years and because of its age so many millions of the population of this planet are predisposed to contracting it.   Alcohol is hugely powerful...it can pass thru the bloodbrain barrier from the mouth and doesn't need to go to the stomach before reaching the brain and blood stream.  Get the book cause there isn't enough space here to truely do your question justice.

It is good to know and partly because of the compassion and empathy which arise when we come to understand what the chemical is, what it does and how it "runs itself" unless it is arrested by total abstinence.  Withdrawals..."coming off of" a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body where the compulsion drives the alcoholic not to stop regardless of the pain and damage to self and others.   Drunks cause pain and alcohol is an anesthetic or pain killer so the alcoholic feels alot of pain as a result of the drinking and returns to it so as not to feel the pain....Cunning, powerful, baffling.   Alcoholics loose the choices as to whether they will drink or not because of the compulsion, craving, obsession, addiction...the disease drives itself and the person.  When the disease suggests "drink" the alcoholic does or feels pain.   The habit of drinking is also known as the addiction to drinking and your coffee example is a good reflection though it appears really benign compared to the chemical alcohol.  On non drinking days the alcoholic (especially compared to an abuser or other drinker) still faces the polarity of the chemical and what it does...both the cause and affect and for me that is the evidence that the alcoholic is always under the influence.  The alcoholic becomes altered in the sense that they think, feel, believe and act altered from "normal" people who do not go thru the process.  

Blackouts?  erased recordings, erased memories.  Quite often the alcoholic will progress thru events and seem as if the are as conizant as any normal person...they react and respond as if nothing is out of order and then the chemical on the brain causes the memory to "not record" the event.  Lots of times they will be drunk and other times not even appear tipsy.  Blackouts leave the other participants to the events, friends, family, etc confused, angry, suspicious and doubtful about what happened.  Blackouts are not benign as they are evidence that the alcohol has shut down a feature of the mind which is very important.  The lost memory isn't selective often times it can and will last for hours. 

Alcoholism is a "progressive" disease it needs to rush to the effects it first looked for in the early stages.  After a while those stages diminish and more alcohol is sought to find them while often times they are never realized again.   I am also alcoholic.  I had "the high" once and never had it again and then I drank and drank in an attempt to find it again.  The solution for the alcoholic in this chase is always "drink more" or "drink harder"  (more potent alcohol).  That is the chemical and that also is the habit or addiction.  We learn how to drink alcohol and after a learning period we don't have to learn any longer...it takes over.  We never own it...it owns us.  In the definition of alcoholism it is said that there are three choices for the alcoholic...sobriety, insanity and/or death.  The phase where the chemical owns us is the insanity stage because often we know (our minds, bodies, intentions and emotions tell us) that there is a problem and don't identify it with the alcohol or our addiction to it.  Alcohol becomes the most important aspect of our lives and we put it first before anything or one else including our own selves. 

For you that part of the definition of alcoholism that says "alcohol affects everyone it comes into contact with" is important.  It means that it negatively affects even those who don't drink at all.  You can always tell if a person is alcoholic by looking at the spouse or family...I can and not only because of college and practice as a behavioral health counselor.  I can tell by looking at my own family and life.   

"I don't use it as an excuse for his behaviors and compulsions"...actually it is the excuse.  He has a real disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and alcohol alters all of him from hair roots to toe nails.   It isn't a moral issue...he isn't a bad person although the alcoholic will do absolutely unacceptable behaviors while the disease is active.  He is a disease and he acts the way he does because he is under the influence.  When he isn't under the influence you can get a glimpse of the "husband" he is and then when he is he becomes your "alcoholic".   Note the difference cause it is important (at least it was for me to understand) to know the person I am with at anyone time.   

Go get the book "Under the Influence" and read it cover to cover...while you are attending face to face Al-Anon meetings at the same time.  You didn't cause this disease, you can't control it and you won't be able to cure it.  Knowing alot about alcoholism isn't as important as knowing about you under the influence of alcoholism...yes you are.  It affects you in much the same way as it does him though you don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality...from the AMA definition of alcoholism we use to read before group.

Hope this has been somewhat helpful...the book does much more.    keep coming back  (((((hugs)))))