protecting and becoming wary - Al-Anon Family Group

montego · Member

protecting and becoming wary

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Since this is a business question, I would bring up that you will be doing unscheduled drug testing. If he flips out,then ya know and can terminate him.

It has zero to do with his choice or craving to do the drug. It is totally impersonal, as it protects your business.

HOpe this helps!

montego · Member

that was a very thoughtful and helpful comment which I appreciate. we considered the drug testing option and will most likely use it.

the concern I have is that the area mentioned is quite unsafe. I am worried about the safety aspect which I understand I can't control.

I told my husband that this is not recovery . he says I am making a blanket statement based on circumstantial evidence. If the hair sample

test is the most reliable I will ask for that option. thank you for the suggestion.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Let me tell you, you are right, we have no control over where they go and it is none of our business. Still once we are their parent we always are.

My 38 year old son is an avid moral outdoorsman. He hikes all over Oregon in unknown places. I could say the same as you. I have to focus away from being afraid to thinking, he knows what he is doing, I taught him to be very careful and always be prepared.

He is no dumby, when he gets into messes and he does, he gets himself and his dog out safe.

It's the only way I can survive, I trust him to take care of him becuz he is most precious to me.

hugs!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's important to realize that users will not be honest about their using. So if he's not using, he'll say he's not using. If he is using, he'll say he's not using. What I mean is: talking to him won't get anywhere.

The "good" news is that addicts who are using their substance aren't able to hide it for long. It will come out in behavior, effects, etc.

But I know you have to protect your business. I've found that I do best when I set up a bottom line for myself "If this happens, then I'll do this." Warnings never got me anywhere, except that I had satisfied my need to give a warning. But they never changed the behavior. We can't "Cause It, Cure It, or Control It." But you can control the health of your family business. That also protects your son if he's not dragging you down financially, you'll be able to set and keep good boundaries with him, which is healthier for all of you.

montego · Member

well mattie you hit that right on the head. about two weeks ago we were told he was in a bad vicinity. we confronted him and he told us

a reason he was in that area which was suspect to say the least. so we insisted on a hair test and it came back negative. I have since learned if drug use was a week or so prior to the test it would not show up. I do not know if this is true for a hair sample. . Since the test was negative we accepted it. My husband insisted.

Within another three weeks we have rec. concrete info. he has been seen riding in a bad area after 10 p.m. at night. So I guess I am saying I am suspect again.

I think the bottom line for me is to tell him he has been sighted again in a suspect area and let the conversation go from there.

I am not trying to control his actions. At this point I want to look out for our family business.

My husband and I cannot start over at this stage of our lives. I also wonder how reliable a hair test is.

Thank you for your comments. They are sincerely appreciated.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Montego: Welcome to MIP. I'm not certain if you and/or your husband are in Alanon? Maybe you said so and I missed it? My suggestion is to attend at least 6 meetings with your husband if he'll go with you, too? I know you're concerned that maybe its not a good idea for your son to work in your place of business? If that is a repetitive theme, I don't think multiple drug tests will help. My son is an active A and has enjoyed brief periods of remission but the disease has a strong pull and he resists AA. I have learned that if I doubt him on some level, it is important for me to honor that doubt. One of Al-Anon's sayings is "When in doubt, don't." Alanon helped me strengthen my resolve to eliminate unnecessary stress from my life in relationship to my son. It helped me to say "no" to helping him in areas where my own sanity or financial security would be at risk. It was hard and I'm glad Al-Anon helped me say no and stick to it. At first, it felt awful to say no to my child. But, after awhile, I understood how important it was for me to take care of myself while still loving my son enough to trust him to figure out his life for himself. I do hope you'll attend Al-Anon meetings to see if they might be right for you if you're not already doing that. Please keep coming back here, too.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My alcoholic husband (now ex-) used to swear he was not drinking, even though there were signs that led me to suspect he was drinking again (or had never stopped). He said, "Go ahead! Test me! How about I'll take a breathalyzer test every week! Or whenever you want!" (I don't know what he was expecting, as soon he got a DUI, so it was clear he was drinking again was he thinking he could fool me? Or fooling himself? Who knows?)

Anyway, I sure did not want a relationship where I had to monitor his drinking and test him. It seemed to me that if the situation was such that there was a real concern that he was drinking, things had already deteriorated pretty badly. And I was not his jailer or his police officer.

So from that experience I'm guessing that the fact that things have gotten to the drug-test level means that things have deteriorated pretty badly already. Nobody thinks of drug testing when the employee/family member has a track record of being reliable.

I know your concern is "Is he or isn't he?" And you no doubt want to be fair but also appropriately cautious.

I'm sure there are some people who think their alcoholic/addict is using when he isn't. I haven't ever met or heard of these people. But it's probably happened. In my experience, though, we catch on way after the use has started. We err in being slow to catch on, rather than the opposite.

Do you have a plan for what to do if/when your suspicions are confirmed? That would be the step to have ready in your pocket. Then you are okay no matter what.

I also encourage you to find face-to-face meetings. The right one can be incredibly valuable -- a sponsor also. There are also online meeting here.

(I never did figure out how to work the Whiteboard but thank you!)

montego · Member

the thing about trusting your feelings rings a bell with me. to be honest my AS was seen at a 24 hour store at 5 a.m.

he was to go to work at 8 a.m. that morning. I am sure he was not there for food, etc. as he passed several other stores near his home

to get to this specific one. he went there at 1 a.m. and then again at 5 a.m. . that is why I feel there is more to this story than what I absolutely know.

I do have serious doubts. however, my husband says this is circumstantial evidence and he needs more proof. we are at odds regarding this.

I think you ask AS why he was out at that time of the morning. I'd think he would be hard pressed to explain it.

I have attended Al Anon before and will consider finding a meeting in my area. We have recently moved and I will need to locate a meeting.

I do agree with some of the Al-Anon principles but not all. I think there is a saying you can take what you like but leave the rest. It was helpful

to meet people that told you things would get better. I continue to have a hard time letting go of the hopes and dreams I had for my son.

Things just didn't have to be this way. Recently he told me he could tell the disappointment in my eyes and voice and I know this is true.

I don't know how to make that go away. I am sure it doesn't help him to know this.

To all of the ones that have taken time to reply and offer encouragement I greatly appreciate it and thank you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I got to the realisation that my son is an adult and his choices belong only to him, so I stopped playing detective. If he continued to drink then the consequences of his choices also belong to him, so thats about protecting ourselves, for me that means he no longer lives with me. The people who are telling on your son, I would be suspicious of also, what are they getting out of it? Its feeding into your obsession or addiction. Try taking your eyes off your son, all will be revealed anyway.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.