Over-extending myself. - Al-Anon Family Group

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Over-extending myself.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi SJ,

I can relate to those times that seemed oh so right for a pity party! I understand your feelings of discouragement. Gratitude and asset list help me counter those negative feelings when they start creeping in. While others may seem to have it so easy, I have found very few people with whom I would truly even consider trading places. It's so easy to pick one thing here or there and say, "wow" wish that were me- but I have come to believe that everyone is blessed with their own things. If it is true that behind every successful person is a team of support, then Team MIP is right here to support you.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a pity party last week and decided not to go to my Al Anon meeting. silly me, saw the stinkin thinkin next day!

Sometimes I think my life would be different. I may be one of those people you look at because my life isn't materially bad. But I've been mentally and spiritually half dead in my body for years, and am just now waking up to the possibilities of a full life thanks to Al Anon.

And when I think my life would be different, I start thinking that "yeah it could be different - it could be a lot worse". There's always worse.

It sounds like you are doing pretty well, making lots of changes, and that's scarey sometimes. I see a person making positive changes in his life and moving forward on to big improvements - you are saving to buy a house, right? Good deal!

Sending good thoughts up towards the north

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Why compare yourself to others? You have no way of knowing the pain or suffering anyone has grown up with, sometimes its hardship that drives these successful people all around you. Happiness comes from within not through material possessions or cars, houses etc. A gratitude list may help jim, also, it may be helpful to look within and work out what you like about these pity partys.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I empathize and I know there's some legitimacy to your thoughts about your parents Jim. BUT - I wanted to share my take as a double winner here hoping it might help. I can't afford to endorse my own pity parties and if I'm having them repeatly over the same thing, then it's probably a character defect. I can't afford to stay stuck like that because it's dangerous and it's old behavior for me. I entered into recovery to stop pining away and being negative.

I care about you Jim, but I don't see this as being that different than me romantizing a drink. It's dangerous to me. It's dangerous to you to think of yourself as a "have not" beccause it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Truth is, your a remarkable young man who came from parents who both had serious challenges and you are blessed to have traits that allow you to be industrious, caring, a good friend, and a good worker. Why not walk around feeling like you are awesome all the time (in a non-conceited way lol - you get what I mean)?

I see you creating your truth in 2 possible ways:

Truth 1: "I am a survivor who is clever and came from parents who were sick. The fact that I am stable and doing so well is a testament to what a good person I am and was good traits I have. I can only get better from here if I work at it. Evidence suggests I can make amazing things happen in my life because just look at where I am and where I came from. When I project this image, people gravitate towards me."

Truth 2: "I came from crappy parents who were selfish and sick and they warped my mentality and robbed me of a childhood so now I am damaged goods in most facets of my life and I am fundamentally flawed and destined to be a loner that has less and doesn't belong and has to work 20 times harder for what everyone else was just born with. When I project this image, people either feel sorry for me or view me as a misfit."

What do you want your truth to be? Decide (hopefully on truth 1) and then live that and don't look back Jim. You cant afford to. It makes you spiritually sick. I see you wavering between the 2 now. That would get you drunk if you were an alcoholic. That would keep you drunk too in all likelihood.

Also Jim, I am not sure what snapshot of culture you are comparing yourself to, but having worked in some of the worst slums and hoods, and with foster children where both parents were in jail, both on drugs, abusive sexually, physically, mentally....It could have been worse. Yes, it's tragic to not have a mom from such a young age and then to have a seriously impaired father, but you have loads of maternal type guidance in alanon (like a million moms wanting to love the crap out of you - SCORE!) and I hope you have a healthy male sponsor and other role models that suffice when your father is not living up to the healthy ideal. Take what you have and move forward...forward...forward. Don't look back except to tell yourself how far you've come because you rule dude!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are right, you are in a pity party. We all do it once in awhile. This seems to be a wall you come to a lot.

What in the world makes you care about where anyone else is? NO one is better than anyone else. I mean for petes sake no one knows how others feel!

I see people married,happy, have careers, grandkids etc. This one gal was saying ''I" have it all! me? I am not married, answer to no one, can have as many animals as I want, sleep in my bed with all my dogs.....on and on. I NEVER thought anyone would like to live like me.

Instead of looking at what you don't have, look at what you do. YOu have a computer you have hands and fingers typing on one, you have us, you have a job, you have the ability to see, walk, swallow blink your eyes.

YOu have a whole body. You my friend are rich. I invite you to go volunteer at a soup kitchen, work with special needs people, volunteer for Habitat for humanity. Maybe you have not gone thru enough life stresses to realize how much you have!

You are where you are right now. Where is that? where are you sitting? what do you hear, smell see touch? Sounds like you are forgetting that, not paying attention.

Look around you what are you missing? that is what I ask myself. So alll the time I look at the trees, bugs animals people, babies, kids the sky, my mountain etc.

I invite you to go outside and look at the world. What are you missing! BE here now!

heythere · Veteran Member

You should congratulate yourself on being a good person and overcoming what must have been a challenging childhood! You seem very successful to me! There are many out there who we're born with it all and wasted it. I think success comes from within and inspite of what may or may not be given to someone. Some people are handed 'alot', not all of them manage to keep it

My AS is 25, no job, no prospects, going to court again, after being picked up on a warrant, because it was too hard to register with probation for random drug testing & attend 4 AA or NA meetings a week. He did manage to graduate from high school. His sister has traveled the world, mostly on her on her own dime & will be graduating in May with Master degree in International Finance. Same parents (we've been married for over 32years), same support, grew up in the same home, same schools, we loved our kids, family vacations, very comfortable financially, he & his sister were close ....and 2 very different outcomes.

Peace & happiness to you!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can sympathize with that feeling of being "left out of the good stuff." I can very easily find ways in which life has been much harder for me than for many people very legitimate assessments. It has been harder for me than for many people, in many ways.

But I also notice that whatever I'm feeling bad about, I pay attention to. If I'm feeling bad about my relationships having failed, I see couples everywhere. If I start dwelling on it at all, suddenly I pick up on everyone talking about their spouse, how they had a great vacation with their partner, how they have a summer house with their spouse, how their spouse came and got them when they had a flat tire ... I can really get down about that.

On the other hand, I'm employed and have had steady employment for a number of years. I have a friend who's had a series of mishaps with jobs. She complains that everybody talks about their jobs all the time and she feels bad. What they were doing at work, somebody got a birthday cake at work, somebody got a raise, somebody applied and got the job they applied for. She goes into a blue funk thinking about it. And I think, "People talk about work a lot? I sure don't notice that."

So I pick up on what I'm sensitive about and she picks up on what she's sensitive about. The real truth for both of us is that some people are in happy relationships and some aren't, some have good employment and some don't, and some of us got lucky in the family lottery and some didn't. When we're feeling down, it's so easy to pick up on all the success stories we see (or think we see) and feel like the odd man out. We're not looking at all the people worse off than us, and we're not looking at all the other ways of assessing ourselves that aren't family, or relationships, or jobs and there are a ton of other dimensions too.

It's a struggle all right. But I'm reassured when I see that the bad feelings are the "stink' thinkin'" and not the reality. And the bad feelings feel so comfy and familiar! Sometimes I wonder if the novelty of feeling good about myself would be too much for me! smile

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Been there and done that too and along the way got ahold of a marvelous sponsor who listened to my whinning for a while and then suggested I get into balance.

Balance was "for every one What ifn I did I was to do a What if not". That works marvelously for me then and now still. Give it a try and see how it works for you. ((((hugs)))) smile

tortuga · Senior Member

Jim, i know such pity parties, so I can easily relatethey happen. But I also know, as pink chip mentioned, Truth 1 is the one you want to believe in. it's a process, remember. And people in Al Anon will love you, until you learn to love yourselffor EVERYTHING you arethat includes your past. It's easy to feel remorse and resent other people. But doing that you give once more your power away to others for how you feel. It's unhealthy to compare ourselves to others, for they have note walked in our shoes, nor do we ever get to walk in theirs. I just can also tell from experience, that once people have some years of life under their belt, nobody has easy choices and always clear ways. Life is not working like that. Some wear a better facade than you or me maybe at timesthat doesn't mean they sleep peacefully at night. We are all human, and we all struggle to find happiness in our lives, it's universal truth. You define your own happiness. so you also define your path to walk to get it. It's a construction process, it's not a give. And you are here in MIP to help you build a solid base for your happiness. It's not built on lies, cheating, false image, pretends. you learn truth and honesty with yourself and others. Now tell me, how can this make you a person who is 'not enough'. You are unique, you are full of courage, brave and dare to change. organize a little praise party 'Mighty Jim'
In support, and you can learn to be grateful for your past, for it has helped you become a better person, genuine Self.
and this counts for all people in recovery.
hugs

montego · Member

jim,
I think you are an honest, brave and thoughtful person . You understand you have a support team here that are genuinely interested in you with no ulterior motive. how many people are lucky enough to have that? they want nothing but the best for you and to offer their support. You are a survivor in spite of difficult situations in the past. you are stronger for it. I think you have your priorities in order and coming to the board shows it.
My best to you Jim.
with support,
montego 17

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Jim, you are so loved here, look at these amazing replys. There are good people here who all want the best for you.x

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