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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Losses
Post Info TOPIC: Losses
el-cee


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At my meeting this week an old timer shared and it was a powerful share that really got me thinking. She used an Alanon book called 'Transforming our Losses.' She spoke of mourning and how we usually think of mourning in terms of a death but when we live with alcoholism we lose the person to alcohol and it is like a death, its certainly a loss. It got me thinking of when I was in my twenties with my ex, when I still held onto hopes and the dreams of the family we would be when he stopped drinking, of the husband and Father I thought he should have been. I remember thinking his behaviour was that of a bad person, I didnt think of him as sick just bad verging on evil who did not care about his family.

Anyway, I remember he would get drunk from Friday until Monday or Tuesday and he would sober up and I would say 'Oh your back' and this became a bit of a joke, he would even tell people and laugh. I was deadly serious, I felt like the man I loved and knew would go away and in his place was this person who I could not stand to look at, I hated him.

I think in some ways this disease is much crueler than a death in the family because when my Mum died it was final, I went through the process of grieving for her and I learned to live with her absence in my life. With my ex it was like he died when he disappeared in alcohol, I would mourn and feel grief and then there he was again. I always felt happy when he came back to life or maybe it was relief. I wanted to talk with him and spend time with him, I would get really clingy or needy but all the while dreading the time that he would go again and it was as regular as clockwork.

I think this is why I find it hard to get close to someone because he spent years giving love (open to interpretation mind you) then taking it away. My own dis-ease may come from this because I can subconsciously sabotage relationships and it could be that I'm scared of this happening again. Im scared of feeling loss and mourning so I put up barriers to protect myself. Thanks to Alanon I can see this and maybe in time I can work through this and get over it. Im not sure how but I seem to have gotten over so much so I have hope.



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Green Eyes


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Exellent share and insight, el-cee. Thank you. I think I might finally get that book now.

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Debilyn


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Great share. When my AH would turn into his father, I called him Tom. He really does suffer from multiple personality disorder. Was terribly abused as a child as was his mother and brother.

I know how you feel. When he got so wet brained, brain damaged from surgery, the only way I could stay away from him was tell myself the man I knew all my life is dead.

Now I just feel widowed again.

Its hard to have them walk around like a pod person. so sad.



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PP


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El-cee, these are great insights.  I don't believe we can forgive or heal until we grieve whatever loss we perceive...it can even be a loss of our way of being.  When we give up being manipulative, for example, there is a void and a loss..it is who we have been accustomed to knowing; it is comfortable.  And no one can tell us how to do it or for how long, etc; this is between us and our HP.  You are doing great, keep going.



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Jerry F


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I also like this share and it brings back memories for me about most often my feelings of loss and grief were usually accompanied with empathy and compassion and gratitude.   This was a Higher Power blessings because my life was accompanied by losses from when I was very young...family members usually and then friends for many reasons and then there was always empathy and compassion which tempered the value of grief.  Today it is the same and better because of the program being added to my life and how my perspectives have changed.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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bud


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Great share El-Cee! I have come to think of it as more layers of complication to the grieving process of loss. I think going through this process, as painful as it is, helps us move forward with greater awareness and wisdom. I am working on trust as well- an ongoing process of balancing vulnerability but not being too vulnerable- when I can trust myself better, then I will be more comfortable around others. I think this will happen as I work on my relationship with my HP and trusting that I'm in good hands.

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el-cee


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Thanks for the feedback everyone.x

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milkwood


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((((hugs))))) el-cee for this very special share. So much truth in it and I hope that I too can learn to remember to direct my energy to my loving nature. At the moment I tend to behave like a startled pony when I feel love rising to the surface. I'm spooked by the memory of monsters instead of just accepting the good bits for what they are.

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tortuga


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Thank you for sharing el-cee. I feel exactly what you feel and you describe it well, the coming and goingthe mourning process all over again. Understanding this now actually helps me not seeking or even denying contact with my A, even if he tries so now and then. I miss him , true, but I also know that when he wants to be near it will only be for a certain time, before he sets off again.and I cannot afford to restart the mourning process from zero. Hope is with us.
in support and big big hug.

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grateful2be


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Thank you, el cee. I can relate to your share in so many ways. You continue to inspire me with your program practice and learnings.

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Cathyinaz


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I'm reading your post and sitting here thinking about it. One thing I can say is I can relate to a loss but not with a spouse/partner because I have never been there. I can't even know what it's like to have been dealt a double deal like you and so many here have been though. Or even a lifetime of pain because a whole family has been afflicted with this disease. Just dealing with my son makes me think I'm not in so bad of shape so what's the deal...just let go.... Not so easy. But this is why we have this fellowship... Al-anon. Without it I don't know where I would be right now...I truly don't know. I'm grateful I don't have to find out but just take it one day at a time and continue to do what I'm doing...practice the art of Letting Go Letting God.

It's amazing how much we start thinking with healthier thoughts on how to take care of us and let go of the destructive thoughts of continued worry and disappointment.

You are moving forward one day at a time and letting go little by little my friend.

We love you el-cee and you are not alone because you have all of us

((( hugs )))


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Breakingfree


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Yep I can relate mourning for my Mom, Dad, brother and exAH, I am going to look for that book now also. Thanks for the share!

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