He stopped drinking - Al-Anon Family Group

Snowflake74 · Member

He stopped drinking

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

I am married to the man you describe as your boyfriend. I was never able to say the words when we were dating and struggle every day with the consequences 15 years later, and I am still unable to say them....I don't know what to say to you. If you read my post today it may give you a glimpse into the tumultuousness (sp?) of living with alcoholism everyday. thoughts and prayers to you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Snowflake))

The words that you want to speak are honest and non-judgmental. Not being able to verbalize ourr feelings and our needs are often a direct result of coping with the disease of alcoholism.

Al-Anon face-to-face meetings are powerful tools that help us learn how to find a voice and verbalize our thoughts. It is here that I learned how to break the isolation caused by living with the disease and rediscovered my self-esteem and self-worth. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and I do hope you are attending. If not I urge you to try at least six before determining if they are for you.

Keep coming back, sharing and connecting-- this is how we heal

Snowflake74 · Member

Thank you Betty <3

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean" Yes, it's really hard, believe me, I'm one of those guys that doesn't like to talk about anything, hates conflict! If he isn't receptive to it, that makes it even harder.

Pray to HP. Serenity prayer and your own prayers. Conference approved literature. Also, I recently read a book called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It gave me good reasons, and felt like it gave me permission to set boundaries like this. It is from a Christian perspective, but not very preachy.

Are you going to meetings? Discussing this with a sponsor or someone else at a meeting will go a long ways toward helping with this as well.

Sending hugs your way

Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What you have experienced is how the disease manifests itself in him. He is just not drinking, being an A is so much more. it's called white knuckling and dry drunk.

sadly without a program of recovery, relapse is emminent. I made the decision after living with the A's relapse I would never want to go thru that again so knew I would NEVER go back.

Its up to you. I see you have answered yourself. Listen to you. If we do not know, we don't. In time you will know.

I looked at my AH as a friend to him for many years. I respected and loved him as a person. but decided never to be around him again. afterall he was no longer the same person anyway.

He knows what he has to do. He may be ready he may not be. Its up to us to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what we need and want to do.

its his disease, his life, he's an adult. All up to him. al anon teaches us to take care of ourselves.

And btw he has NO answers. When one is very sick, they cannot think.I doubt he in no way will be able to have a real conversation with you.

If we remain in their lives, for me, I had to be the bigger, wiser, person. Not allow his disease to kill me. I cut it 100%. hurt like you know what. but here I am ok....

-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 7th of March 2014 03:27:49 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Slogan...Snowflake, "When in doubt...Don't". Then I'd do what Betty suggested...detach and go to a meeting or detach and hang with the fellowship especially my sponsor. Hanging with myself always was trouble and handing with my alcoholic/addict was a resentment invitation. If you have not been in program a long time not much has changed and if nothing changes....nothing changes. Meeting makers make it. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Snowflake - I feel the same way and for me it is an uncomfortable thought process since I don't like myself much for feeling negative when I can see that AH is not drinking - in many ways I found it easier when he was drinking since the subject of my anger was a bit more obvious! Thinking too much is a spiral to trouble for me just as Jerry says and I really try to distract myself with things that I enjoy.

I've been practicing the 'when in doubt, dont' slogan for quite some time and sometimes I turn it around to read 'I don't have to do anything today that makes me feel scared or uncomfortable'. I'm aware that the thought of finding myself a new home, new work etc is scary and I don't have to do that until I'm ready.

AH is doing his thing. It ain't easy. I'm trying to do my thing. It ain't easy either! In this we are each on our own journey I think. And it is early days. Getting to meetings, mixing with people who do embrace life and having a jolly good laugh are all important to me.

I try to work out what I can do for myself from where I'm at at the moment. I'm pursuing hobbies, staying in touch with friends, buying the occasional treat and basically trying to live my own life as self reliantly as possible. Sometimes I get tired and worn out with the effort so I try to remember to relax, lie in, read a book! The important measure for me is whether or not I like myself and what I'm doing with the life that god, and my ancestors, gave me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.