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Well, I thought things were "better" and relatively speaking things have been better---I have been better at dealing with my AH. But I am off track this week, worn out and just plain ANGRY. I know that red flags are being thrown at me from every direction and I am basically throwing them back-ignoring. yes, ignoring my HP I guess. My head screams LEAVE my heart cries NO and the look on my nine year olds face is of love and hope. SHE is why I stay. Now I know many will reply, SHE is why I should go....but I remain paralyzed and internalizing the hurts and sucking it up and drudging through. ignoring the fact that I am LONELY, ANGRY, SAD and all but JOYLESS other than when I am with or thinking of my child. I know RUN RUN RUN. But I don't. I'm eternally hopeful and crazy like loyal yet I see few fruits of either. I know I am denying the TRUE reality which is, IT IS NOT GETTING BETTER...Im just tolerating more.
We just came off of a really nice family vacation-first in awhile, so I guess I should have been better prepared for the binge drinking and irresponsible behaviors that then followed after our plane touched back down in the northeast. Nope-how does one be prepared for a husband that is out more than he is in, for a husband that is hungover more than he is sober,. How does one prepare for her hus to leave for a buddies on one evening only to not be heard from until the next night and then act as if I am the one over reacting. How does one trust that there is not an affair going on as it has happened once already-why not again-he is NEVER home. How does one reconcile the awful feeling that maybe "this time the cops will arrest him -pull him over -something", how does one reconcile the awful thoughts that run through ones head that would take this all away-I have ugly ugly feelings towards my AH at the moment and have off and on for YEARS...but I stay. I am paralyzed - I cant bear the process of leaving, the FIGHT-he would be vicious-he is angry and spiteful in general-a divorce would be down right awful-I keep saying that staying with him is far better than leaving him-at least now I am in control of our child AT ALL TMES-I sleep in the same house with her EVERY NIGHT...I'm SANE(despite how I feel and how he may portray me) and SOBER.....I relinquish that control if I turn this over to a court.
At the same time, my marriage to him produced a truly wonderful child who is my life. She adores her dad when she can- when he is home, although I am certain she questions his apathy towards me and our family and his behaviors. And as many of us, I can still see good in him and I Hope, oh I hope that he will hit his bottom and work to save himself. I see glimmers and slivers of kindness and compassion in him. He provides for us materialistically but as for emotionally-he is not capable. He is so so damaged ....I am too and this program has saved me but I am not sure how much more I can take and yet every time someone says, "you have choices" I get angry and turn the other way. yup...my choice is divorce...that just has such a lovely ring to it....sorry for the scarasm-its my defense mechanism....So there is my rambling heartache that I share...comment as you can, especially those moms who know of what I walk and speak
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Knowing that I had choices helped me stay sane while determining what action I could take. The best choice I had was to continue going to Al-Anon, use the tools of the program, work the steps and believe that as the 11th step states; that if I pray for the knowledge of God's will, he will give me the power to carry it out. That is just what happened.
Other choices included making Al-Anon calls when I was upset. Letting go of all expectations of my partner and accepting the disease of alcoholism. I also needed to accept the fact that I could not go to the hardware store for bread nor could I trust him to care for my child. Those are the choices I made until I was strong enough and higher power guided me to do something else.
I hear you and I'm sorry for the pain and uncertainty in which you are living. I can also identify with the powerful negative feelings that you describe when you think of your husband'and his actions. I too knew that if I left he would make my life miserable and never live up to his responsibilities. There came a time that the anger, resentment and rage were so strong that I knew if I did not walk out I would kill him.-- Miracle of miracles when I did take that action, he entered rehab and stopped drinking. This was not the outcome that I saw in my mind. It was a good reminder that I cannot read the future and must trust HP.
Hi, thanks for your post on my thread :)
I did divorce my abusive ex (well, I left and filed for divorce over two years ago and the divorce is almost completed) and I have to say that my life became more peaceful. I did have to let go of the fears of what would happen when the children were at his house and I was no longer there to protect them. It is sooooo hard to let go of that control. The only difference is that their Dad is a chronic pot smoker and not an alcoholic. So he actually functions better when high because it clams down his anger. He never checks out on life and responsibilities like I now see with my current boyfriend. So I know the kids will be fed and played with, they just are subjected to his twisted mind and hear horrible things that he says about me. I know that the only thing I can do is validate their feelings when they are hurt by his words. I did leave him, so they will hopefully never marry an abusive person and think that they have to stay. That was the gift I gave to them. When my three year old told me, "Daddy doesn't love you, he yells at you every day." I knew I had to get out. Sometimes we make our best life decisions for our children's benefit before our own. I think my children saved me from a lifetime of abuse with that man. I might have stayed if not for my child saying that to me. Now with my current issue, I know I can never live with him. I can't do that to them, or myself.
I wish you peace and hope for the future.
(((TOC))) I am grateful for your post and can relate. I'm sorry that you have this and it's causing so much angst, confusion, and pain. I stayed in it for so many, many reasons and a weighted pro con list revealed that I wanted to leave for just as many ounces per pounds. Keep coming back and work the steps to gain clarity for what will work for you taking it one day at a time.
I'd like to address the fear for a moment- many of my fears never came to fruition. However, Alanon has been a lifeline for supporting me as I work through the fears that are real and happening. My fears that are real currently have me pinned to a wall - no running, no dodging, no ducking, no invisibility cloaks, no fake ID's, no incognito disguises are valid- I must face them in the eye and deal. I know that I have to strengthen my relationship with my HP first and foremost and embrace my MIP family tightly to get through this the best I can.
I was in Al-Anon 11 years ago and faced with a similar choice of taking action to leave. I did as suggested. I didn't make any major changes for 6 months. A year really. As I worked the program back then, I began changing. As I began changing, my alcoholic husband became increasingly insecure, jealous and controlling. He began stalking, threatening and more verbally abusive. Essentially he made the choice for me because eventually I needed a restraining order to protect myself and my children. HP has a funny way of working it out when we do finally surrender. Here I am 11 years later back in Al-Anon b/c I left shortly after my divorce from my alcoholic husband was final. I was better. HA HA... Joke was on me. I went on to date and have another son with an ACOA, date a gambler and, most currently, become involved with another man who is showing clear signs of an addiction of some kind. This time around I am not in abusive situation in the least. I am the verbally abusive one at times!!! Now I am back to learn how to love and stay with a sick, addicted person who has many wonderful qualities aside from his addiction and whom I love very, very much. I feel I have come full circle. The bottom line is no one can tell us or them what to do or how to live life. Yesterday I found myself preaching to my S/O on basic principles of human decency and common courtesy! He knows them! He chose not use them and I chose to REACT. My bad! Who's the dummy now?! Me. I gave him way too much power over me and my feelings. Today I will try harder. Tomorrow who knows. But today I will do better.
