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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Frustrated, but okay...
Post Info TOPIC: Frustrated, but okay...
John


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Frustrated, but okay...
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Sounds contradictory huh?  Frustrated because my son who is in prison writes to me only to tell me how much money he needs to have his personal belongings (clothes) shipped to me from the unit so they don't end up in a donation bin.  Then there is the need for stamp and envelope money, and some basic hygiene supplies.  None of it amounts to much money at all, but it really bothers me that this is his only real reason for writing and I truly feel I have spent enough money on his disease and the results of it, to no avail... so I am not going to send it.  He will get a letter from me.  One that starts with love, shares my feelings and ends with love.  Without a dollar attached to my response, I am likely not going to be hearing from him again while he is locked up.  I can and will accept this.  It's a part of his own disease.  An unwarranted sense of entitlement, just because he is my son.  That would hold some truth if I was actually getting something in return... but I'm not even getting my son.  I just get his disease and all the crap that comes with it.  So, I'll be a shitty father by his standards and trust that the prison system will provide a method for him to get stamps and envelopes, and even basic hygiene supplies.  I'm so tired of being used that I just wanted to vomit after reading his "I need" letter.  

Then this morning... GF woke up in a fairly good mood, I tend to always wake up a bit chipper, in very good spirits.  Well, she has some wreckage of her past that she is trying to clean up.  She had saved some money to put towards it but when she called to find out where to send it, she found out that her fines and fees were about 200.00 more than she was previously told and saved.  Suddenly, her mood turned to crap and she went ragging on me, as though I had something to do with it.  These fines and fees are from a time when we were not even together.  It's wreckage she created for herself, but somehow since I am the closest target, I get the wrath of her situation.  Before 10 AM, she had retreated to the bedroom, with the door closed and hasn't spoken to me at all sense then.  The only thing I said during all this is "we'll have to figure out what to do, so it all gets paid, the 180.00 they have upped the cost isn't worth a day of our lives... we'll find a way to take care of it".  Well, I understand she was really looking forward to getting her drivers license back this week, and what it means to her... but I don't understand what justifies her aiming her resentment at the clerks office at me, or why someone would retreat from someone who is offering to help them resolve the issue.  I guess it could have something to do with this being something she was taking some pride in by resolving it herself and saving the money she has, and is now either not going to get her license or have to accept help from someone to bring it about.  But retreating to the bedroom in my eyes, is simply selling her day for 180.00.  A day for me is worth so much more than that.  I probably wouldn't have spent more than an hour mopping about it.  I think to myself as she sits in there doing her pouting... if this was the last day she would spend here on earth... it was sold for less than 200.00.  What a waste of a otherwise beautiful day.

No, I am not willing to go in there and subject myself to her rudeness or disrespect.  She can keep it with her behind closed doors.  When she is ready to let go and come out I guess she will.  I did ask her if she wanted a BLT sandwich from Subway this evening and got a very firm "no".  I didn't debate it with her, although she hasn't ate anything today that I am aware of... I just closed the door back and went and got me one.   Not much good at debating common sense to someone who is seemingly blocked from it at the moment.  I feel I can only leave her where she is at, and take care of myself, until she resurfaces to rejoin the stream of life again.

I remember those days when I would sit around and entertain my misery, indulge in some form of self inflicted pain by focusing on the problem instead of the solution, and try to invite as many people to that party as I could, especially those closest to me.  When a mole hill was turned into a mountain by my stinking thinking.  

I am grateful that I don't sell my days out for cheap any more, and I don't try to inflict my pain or self imposed misery on those I love.  I think I got a reminder of what it use to be like today... for my sake.  Never want to go back there.

John



-- Edited by John on Friday 7th of March 2014 12:14:04 AM

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(Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions,Step 3. pg 21)

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Katy


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I love the way you wrote and explained how you feel and deal with other peoples problems, so much of the rubbish are curve balls thrown from others trying to get us to catch it, it's never been easy for me to see I have a choice not to play thier game, I love the way people here show and tell how they disengage, I could picture the sulking pout behind the closed door, and it reminded me thats how I have waisted alot of my precious days, wondering what did I do? to deserve that? 

You said what you mean without being mean, keep doing what your doing bod your doing a grand job!

regards

Katy

  x



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Katy
milkwood


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Hi John
Glad you are ok. Just wanted to say how helpful your post is - even those that have great awareness get frustrated sometimes? Wow, what a relief! (Sorry to be a bit selfish, but heck, I thought for a moment that perfection was possible!). It is great to have a reminder that we can choose how to spend our days. Thanks, as always grateful to you ((((hugs)))))

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pinkchip


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John....I love ya. Your son sounds exactly like you have him pegged which is steeped in his addiction. The girlfriend...well...that sounds like typical 1 year sober behavior. I'm not saying you went to the hardware store, but I do think you just had a lot of bread delivered to you.

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hotrod


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HI John

It is a true gift of this program to really understand how not to "sell" the serenity of our minutes, hours or days away to meaningless imagined issues.

Great post and reminder



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


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Sounds like your day will be yours regardless of the crappy behaviors of others...this is a great post for all of us to read.  Thank you.



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Paula
Cathyinaz


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I have not been told I'm a bad mother yet but I'm sure it will come. Just need to keep my head screwed on straight if it happens just like you. Your also right that your GF needs to work this one out herself because we know all to well not to try and fix it because it will lead to nowhere in most cases.

I pray things will be better today for you and you can move on towards a nice weekend.

(((( hugs ))))



-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 7th of March 2014 03:05:26 PM

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bud


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Thank you for your share this morning John. It makes perfect sense to me. Good reminder for me as I set my intentions for today.

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oldergal


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Such a brave man! and so aware....thank you for the post.....og



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Debilyn


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Just part of a relationship. If we can live with someone and have serenity when they are down, that is great.It is that persons problem not ours.

Myself I would say would you like some help? Then leave it at that.

It's nice if before this happens people can talk about what they need during times like this. Talk about what they want when they are sick etc.

The best relationships are ones that people do not take on each others bs. Allow them to figure it out, not really our business.

I know I will say would you come here, grab his hand take him to lay down with me, just hold me and tell me things will be ok.

We need to ask for what we want. hugs John,debilyn and yes it will be ok.



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el-cee


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John, you are a wise man in many ways. First, I admire your strength with your son. I think this is so the right thing to do but me, I cant do this very well. I start feeling sorry for the person then I get tempted to play rescuer and then I let guilt and fear control my actions. Your son is lucky to have you sending his disease clear and loving messages, you are so right.
As for your GF, another good move, leave her to her own side of the street, let her own her own dis-ease. You really should share more often, I learn so much from your attitude. Thanks.x

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grateful2be


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Hi, John: I can understand your feelings of frustration with your son. I, too, began to see that in my son's eyes, I was a bank and not a person. I also began to understand that by sending my son even a small amount of money for the things you are listing here, I was feeding some insecurities he had about himself and also some laziness. So, during one of my brief visits to him, the request for money resurfaced again. I told him "No, son, because I believe in you and your ability to find a way to earn your own money. You might not understand this, but I believe that no man truly wants his mother to pay his way. On the surface, you are happy for a moment. But, on a deeper level, I think you resent me when I give you money. So, because I love you, I'm saying no, you can earn it yourself." He was angry. I knew he didn't understand or didn't want to understand.


About a month or so later he wrote me with the changes he had made and how much he had earned for "his account." Since he was no longer hostile because I said, "No," I returned for another face to face visit. For the first time in a long time I saw his face show pride when he told me how much he had earned tending the flower gardens and grounds for the warden to put in his own account. The words that impressed me the most were these, "And I earned it all myself. I don't owe anybody anything." His self-respect was returning at that time because he chose to make the best of what he had at the time. If I had stepped in to give him $5.00 or $10.00 or $20.00, he would have rested in the knowledge that Mom would be his safety net even though it wouldn't be a lot. When Mom showed him she wasn't going to be a safety net for him (as much as everything in her ached to do the opposite), he had to look around for what he was going to do to get his needs meet. I still have to repeat the lesson but seeing the pride in his face and remembering his self-respecting words helps me continue to let him struggle, hurt, go without even hygiene products mostly because I learned even those tiny little helps from me didn't help him feel anything but indebted to me. I want him to feel indebted to his HP and to himself. Stepping in got in the way of that. He still had choices to lie on his bunk and feel sorry for himself, but he chose differently. If you're son is anything like you, I'm hopeful he will do the same. Lots of prayers for all of you.

When it comes to you letting your gf be where she is to work things out for herself, too, good work, John. Good program example.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 9th of March 2014 06:05:32 AM

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SerenityRUS


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Hugs! Thanks for a great share!

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Breakingfree


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Wow your awareness is amazing! Sending you love and support!

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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