What just happened? - Al-Anon Family Group

Kerrymom · Senior Member

What just happened?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Kerry: Good news! You aren't losing your mind! You know you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it! That sounds like sanity to me.
I also see that you know that all of what he was saying was purely the disease speaking and nothing you have to believe at all! Again - sanity!

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of March 2014 11:12:51 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

um so what makes one bother to listen? grab kids go out door.....call a friend to pick you up.....? We can take care of ourselves and not allow the disease to have a chance.

It's more than the disease when we ourselves don't make changes and not put up with it. Plus in my experience this is not a good environment for kids.

We do have a choice, what is yours?

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

In al anon we learn to work on ourselves. Alcoholism is a disease, but you have choice whether or not you want to live with it. I have gotten the courage to finally leave my alcoholic partner after 11 years. My marriage has more cons than pros at this time. Try to weigh the pros and cons of living with this man. Make a list and see what it looks like. What do you need in life? Go to meetings and read the al anon literature. Al anon does not tell us what to do but it gives us information. A sponsor and my higher power God has been with me throughout this journey. And they have helped me get the strength to leave and live a better life. Luckily my partner is understanding and takes responsibility for his problems and understand why I left. In reading my reply, please take what you liked and leave the rest. That's what we say at the end of our meeting.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Kerry mom,

You are correct this is another symptom of the disease of alcoholism over which we are powerless. Meetings, Sponsor, Steps and the alanon principles have all been developed to assist the family regain their self esteem and focus. This is why the concept of detachment is so important.

In alanon we do not give advice. We believe in placing principles above personalities. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Since the answers for each person's life is different and are found within the individual person, we share our experience and offer support so we each can learn how to regain our focus and answers.

Keep coming back and continue to attend alanon face to face. You are not alone

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I do feel compelled to comment that the insanity of the disease can keep us immobile and accepting of abusive situations. It's not ok to allow ourselves to be subjected to abuse; not only does it erode a sense of self, it can easily escalate into physical trauma and danger. I used to stay - sometimes for over an hour- and take the abusive rantings... hanging onto every word and trying to make sense of insanity. I stayed, thinking I was engaging in a two-way relationship, only I never had a turn to speak and if I did, no one was listening. Since, when someone starts going off on me, I remove myself from harm's way. It is no longer important to hear the sick and out of control person's thoughts; they are only destructive, so I'm better off not listening, not knowing, not fueling the disease. I can always opt back in when the situation is a mutually civil and respectful interaction.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned to tune it out or I don't go near the insanity because I can't fight it. If I'm suck or put myself into a situation I keep my mouth shut and let it ride. It will stop if I don't engage. I also walk away.

It's the only way to keep my sanity in tack.

Look at his forehead and imagine 3 bid SSS stamped on it. Sick Sick Sick

Let go let God.....you are not alone

((( hugs )))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

You're not losing your mind, but you may be letting him misplace it for you! My AW tried to get me to lose my mind for quite awhile!

My AW would binge drink and pass out, so I didn't have to deal with that too much. But the next morning - wow. I learned to just not talk about the night before, because if I brought it up, the denial, rationalization, and yelling would begin. I figured out after awhile that that was pretty much like mud wrestling a pig, I just got dirty, and AW always won!

In my experience, listening to the rants of an A accomplishes nothing, except making yourself feel like crap. That's why I don't do it anymore.

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

After a while in recovery I gained some self love and I wont allow myself to be verbally abused anymore because there is no excuse. Accepting alcoholism is a disease doesnt mean its okay to allow ourselves to be treated badly and its not a reason for them to behave this way either. Set some boundaries, not easy but it wont stop until you stop it. I put up with this for years and it was remarkably easy to stop it. I said 'if you continue to speak to me this way I will walk out the room' and then I did, if I was followed then I said if you continue il leave the house. If you make that stand it stops really quite quickly in my experience. Its very empowering and builds self respect. Their disease means you must show them clearly what is acceptable or not to you. I found that I got something out of playing the victim, still not sure what though.x

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow...the responses are awesome!! Looks like you came to understand what just happened like I did when I was going thru this and I had generous sponsorship who just loaded me up on tools so that each time I practiced my response became better and more healthy for me. Of course for me...I am the one person I am responsible for...end of lesson. Some of the tools were slogans and you can have them..."Don't React"...you can think aboout that for a while yet it works better when you do it. Get triggered...??? Don't React. Some of the family talks the philosophy of "You don't have to attend every fight you are invited to"...pure gold for me and when I find my self at one forgetting how I got there I .... "Don't react". Another slogan that works for me is "When in Doubt Don't"...(my sponsors name was Don.T) and when I find myself in situations where I don't know or doubt what I am to do with or about it...I don't do anything and I'ver learned to say, "I don't know" out loud and then walk away or just stand there smiling. I ain't dumb by any sense of the imagination...I just won't react. They can figure it out even my part if they want to and they then have to do my part cause I'm not gonna participate. These slogans gave me soooo much grace and margin to grow rather than do the same old stuff over and over again expecting different results. You know what that is the definition of right? insanity.... keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

How does almost everything I say get twisted around, thrown back at me, and make me feel like crap. there's a reason and justification for everything.
----------------------------------------
I could have said that..... then I realized that if I didn't say anything it couldn't be twisted. In fact, if I didn't say anything he would look at me waiting for me to say something so that he could twist it. And then I realized I was tired of knocking my head against that wall over and over and over..... and I changed me. I could not say anything and just continue on my own business. Walk away if I wanted to. Don't get involved in it.

It 's not easy. It will help you take care of yourself.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

A's are so good at twisting words and I learned not to give them too many to play with after awhile. You received great ESH and I just wanted to send you love and support!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hugs)))))))
There is nothing wrong with you Kerrymom! Just extraordinary circumstances!!
You don't have to listen to a word of it (and in my case it helped both me and AH when I stopped listening).
My new 'rule' is to give myself a treat that has an equal impact to any abuse AH dishes out.

Kerrymom · Senior Member

Thank you so much everyone! He was sober so I thought it'd be ok, I'm still amazed how it gets all turned around and I think I said 3 things the whole time. I wasn't in a good place that night either, Anyway it's going to get a lot worse, meeting with lawyer beginning of next week and hoping I can do a separation with full custody. If not going to have to learn ways to cope until the kids can protect/ take care of themselves as I can't leave them alone with AH.
Thank you again, it's so nice not to be alone in this anymore!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.