I think my partner is an alcoholic. - Al-Anon Family Group

DMorl · Newbie

I think my partner is an alcoholic.

karma13 · Senior Member

I feel you are in the right place :) Thank you for sharing. Alanon suggests attending six face to face meetings before deciding if Alanon is for you. You are also welcome to attend online meetings right here online. Trust your intuition not the voice that says you are silly.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi DMorl

Welcome to Miracles in Progress! You have found a community of individuals who all have been affected by others' alcohol use/abuse/alcoholism. the only requirement for joining Al Anon is in our third tradition "The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." It sounds like there is a problem, so you qualify!

Like karma said, listen to your instinct. You will notice that a lot of people on this message board will say they regretted not listening to their gut sooner. We call that preference for kinda glossing things over - "don't worry, be happy!" - denial. In my relationship, both my AW and I were in full blown denial of the problem.

The disease of alcoholism is progressive and fatal. And it takes everyone in its path along with it if it can. In Al Anon we come to understand that we didn't cause the problem, can't control the problem, and won't cure the problem. Only the alcoholic can do any of those. Instead, we focus on ourselves, and pulling ourselves out of the insanity of believing what the alcohol is telling us.

I hop you consider going to an Al Anon meeting, either online or face to face.

Peace
Kenny

lgnutah · Senior Member

hi DM The things your partner said sound so familiar. In the beginning, I didnt say anything, maybe I was too young to question his drinking or just completely accepting of whatever he did. once I began to comment, the problems began.He said I was no fun, or, I was acting like an old woman, or, I was making a big deal over nothing. as time went by, I realized his drinking was really problematic (one summer we went to stay with relatives while he started a new job and he didnt come back one night.....he had gone out drinkjng after work and got arrested), and I started making demands on him to stop drinking (I didnt have alanon),

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sound like moderately to seriously progressed alcoholism. Only alcoholics drink like that. You are not "silly" for reaching out. Sounds like a serious problem that you deserve to pay attention to and get validated. Already his alcoholism makes it impossible to fully engage in life. My ex also had desires to move and "chase dreams." That is frequent with alcoholics because they always fail to see the problem is them and not who they are with, what their job is, or where they live.

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Hi Dmorl and welcome. From what you describe, it sounds like this board and Alanon meetings could help you. I also started noticing that my husband was drinking more and more, I made subtle, then not so subtle suggestions and comments. He too glossed it over, called me a nag...until the drinking got so bad that he had three hospital stays in 3 months. I finally got myself to a face to face Alanon meeting. That was 1 1/2 years ago. I'm so grateful for what I've learned in this program. I'm happier and healthier. My husband is also working on his own recovery. We are still together, and I doubt we would be without the things I've learned through Alanon. Keep coming back.

DMorl · Newbie

Thank you for the kind words, everyone. I guess it feels odd labeling him an "an alcoholic" because he doesn't fit the stereotype... he is the kind of person who always seems outgoing and happy and bubbly... but more and more he is only like that when out, and just so "blah" when he comes home. The "dream-chasing" is legitimate -- he has a niche career that is very difficult to break into and often requires going up north (we're in Canada) to find work... but it is also work that will eventually be jeopardized by alcoholism because of very strict requirements in that area. I am quite happy to dream-chase with him, if he were... less of a "lump" once we got somewhere.

lgnutah wrote:
hi DM The things your partner said sound so familiar. In the beginning, I didnt say anything, maybe I was too young to question his drinking or just completely accepting of whatever he did. once I began to comment, the problems began.He said I was no fun, or, I was acting like an old woman, or, I was making a big deal over nothing. as time went by, I realized his drinking was really problematic (one summer we went to stay with relatives while he started a new job and he didnt come back one night.....he had gone out drinkjng after work and got arrested), and I started making demands on him to stop drinking (I didnt have alanon),

This... is exactly what I am going through. We are in the midst of a break-up (although I am hoping that will work itself out...) because he claims that I am "no fun anymore." Sigh.

I am at a crossroads right now because I would very much like to be with him, and this is devastating... but perhaps this break-up is a blessing in disguise for me, and I should get out while I can. It certainly doesn't feel like a good thing. Even if we do, I think I will still need some help after to recover from this. It is far too easy to blame everything on myself.

-- Edited by DMorl on Wednesday 5th of March 2014 09:02:22 PM

slogan_jim · Senior Member

I recommend trying a F2F meeting.

He's an alcoholic and his best friend is also? It's funny how alcoholics always seem to find each other.

I have bene going to meetings for about 4 years and I can say it has changed my life. I understand my father (the alcoholic) and myself so much better than I did. I was living an insane life. Angry, bitter, disrespectful and I thought if only he'd change I could be fine. It was up to me to change and I now see life more clearly and for what it is, and also understand my motives for things.

Jim.

DMorl · Newbie

I also just broached the subject of his alcohol consumption for the first time in a long time... he always says that he will eventually cut back. But it's always eventually.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

DMorl: your partner sounds like my husband. I have been married for over 11 years and the drinking has only gotten worse. The last 2 years have been terrible. My husband has been arrested and has been admitted to the hospital 3 times for high blood alcohol levels...the last one was .27!! (.08 is intoxicated)
What I have learned in al-anon has changed my life. I used to count the bottles he would drink. I used to look for the hidden bottles. I was monitoring everything. Al Anon teaches us to not keep checking up on the alcoholic. Al-Anon is about YOU, not your partner. Al-anon will NOT teach you how to make him stop drinking. You cannot make him stop no matter how hard you try. He will be sober If and only IF HE wants to be sober. I am telling you this from experience. I have been awake at night way too many times worrying about how I would find my husband in the morning. I have worried if he would be able to take care of our daughter when I am working. My list could go on forever.
Al anon has shown me what I need out of life. I have decided after this last hospitalization (which was on Valentine's Day), that I was DONE living with this disease.
I have had to weigh the pros and cons of my marriage. The cons have won. It is time I start protecting my children from alcoholism and protecting myself as well. Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone. I would advise reading How Al Anon Works...this book has helped me a lot. There are a lot of good books to read that will help you make a choice...and the choice is: are you willing to live with the disease of alcoholism or not? I was always waiting for him to be sober...the sobriety lasts about 3 months then he starts again. It is time for me to be off this rollercoaster. I feel FREE. Without Al Anon and my wonderful sponsor, I would not have been able to leave my marriage. Go to as many meetings as you can and read read read. At the end of our meetings we say: Take what you liked...and leave the rest...I am hoping that is what you will do with my reply to you

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi again...I just saw your post that you are in the middle of a breakup with him and it's hard. Yes it is! I am having a hard time too, lots of ups and downs...but you will heal. Time helps. This is my 2nd marriage that is ending...and I will live through it! I give a lot of credit for my strength to my al anon group, my sponsor and my higher power. AL anon is also a spiritual program that will help you feel connected to what you wish to refer to as your "higher power". We ar enot alone in this journey. This has been my experience.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

when one is an addict, it is so much more than the substance they use. That is only a symptom of the disease.

I agree you very much need help, very much. This is very serious.

we are definitely here for you to give support,listen, help get you thru this.

when my A left/I had him leave, I was horribly hurt. The people here at MIP got me thru it and even now many years later I am still here.

When things are at their worst, I come here.

Please keep coming.

DMorl · Newbie

Thank you again.

I am leaving this relationship. I have been trying to preserve it for the last few days... but my logical brain is kicking in, and is suddenly aware that this is unfortunately only one of a number of serious problems. As I am leaving, and his rent is doubling because I am leaving (and he is already late every month), his last years' taxes are still unpaid, he has a $4000 bill for utilities, and he says it is too expensive for us to go out to a movie... he is happily planning a week's vacation to Mexico with friends. Where he plans to sit around and be drunk for a week because it is all-inclusive. This is not a person I can ever rely on.

It is tough because I have made his dreams my dreams for the last few years and I don't know where I am at anymore. He has become a massive part of my identity. I have literally moved to the other side of the country for him... and originally his grand adventures were fun, but now I making the long drive home alone in the next couple of weeks. I am very sad... but this is probably the best thing for me.

I noticed a few weeks ago when on antibiotics (and unable to drink at all) that I really had trouble not having wine. I was craving it so badly... and found myself testing if I could have it without getting sick. That makes me very uncomfortable, and I do not want to go down that road myself. I hate how important alcohol is in his life, and after years of him telling me that I am so much more fun, sexy, etc when I am drunk, it has started to take too much importance for me as well. I don't drink very much, but I do not want to ever feel like I need it.

-- Edited by DMorl on Thursday 6th of March 2014 10:20:58 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

DMori, much support and love to you on this journey. Sounds like you have listening to your higher power and are making a difficult, but probably well thought out and positive decision for you. I admire the faith and intuitive nature of your last post. I've been in that position of starting all over after having poured so much into a relationship. It's not easy. You are brave.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can find face to face al-anon meetings they helped me to repeat my cycles and I am glad you found MIP! Sending you love and support on your journey!

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