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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The Next Right Thing . . . Divorce?
Post Info TOPIC: The Next Right Thing . . . Divorce?
wornoutmrsfixit


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The Next Right Thing . . . Divorce?
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Well, he flat out refused my request to refinance the house in his name only because "he doesn't want to". This was the boundary that I set a few weeks ago. I believe he thought he could stall me (he did for a few weeks) and I would back down and let it go but I contacted a lawyer yesterday. I'm waiting for a call back today. I hope he is better at returning calls than the attorney I worked for. Ugh!! I don't know why I am still shocked at my husband's selfishness and pigheadedness about certain things. What I am asking for is not unreasonable since he has been in the house alone for the year and a half that we have been separated and I need to see a lot more recovery than 6 months before I would be ready to move back in even though we have been staying in touch and friendly. The fact that he doesn't see that makes me even more sure that I am doing the right thing. He is doing vey well in many ways but I also see some red flags and I AM NOT going to ignore them. I want out of this large debt with him and if he can't be reasonable then I will have to force his hand by filing for divorce, I suppose. Could use some prayers and good thoughts as this is a road I did not want to start down but it feels like the next right thing.

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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
yanksfan51


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WOMI:

Prayers are with you.  No one sets out down the path to divorce but for some of us that's where it goes.  Listen to your gut and take your time.  Everything happens as it should and when it should.

You are not alone

Mary



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grateful2be


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I see you utilizing the 3As. I am finding myself wondering about the "forcing his hand?" If you choose to see an attorney because you know that you no longer want to be married to him and want to be free from a debt that doesn't serve your best interests then I'd see that as a guided action step based on healthy motivations. If the motive includes trying to force his hand, I guess I'd be concerned about forcing solutions that might backfire? But, that's just me. Others might see it differently?

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sad_dog_mommy


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I am sorry you are still dealing with this. I think seeing a lawyer is a good idea. You will know exactly where you stand in reference to the mortgage and property. Maybe he doesn't have to refinance to get your name off of the loan? If there is any equity in the property you might be entitled to half. This is about you and your need for information. Consider it a fact finding mission.

Your husband doesn't need to know. I can only speak from the experience I have with my qualifier; but if my ABF found out that I was seeing a lawyer he would suddenly profess his desire to change. He would make promises he cant keep because the motivation is not real desire for change. My ABF's motivation would be to keep things just the way they are. The denial that comes with being an alcoholic makes it easier to live with himself and his behavior.

(((( e-hug))))

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wornoutmrsfixit


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Thanks YF. G2B, If I understand correctly, I would say my motive is the first healthy choice. It seems like the law is the only thing he listens to. Although divorce is not what I want, since I stated a boundary, I knew I had to prepare myself to follow through and get out of this limbo I've been in. I want this last financial obligation that is tied up with him (and his sobriety) off of my list of responsibilities. He makes the payment alone but we are a relapse away from foreclosure. I've made every effort to not be dependent on him in any financial way since we separated and it has helped to free me of a lot of stress. I don't want to divorce but if he is still unhealthy enough to not understand my needs in this situation and realize that these are consequences of his actions, to me it's another red flag of "stinkin' thinkin' that shouldn't be ignored.

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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
wornoutmrsfixit


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I like the fact finding mission thought. That's kind of how I got my nerve up to call. I kept telling myself, you're not committing to anything at this point. I'm just getting guidance. This does not come naturally to me. :(

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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Jerry F


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For me this was a "call my sponsor, sit and listen with my sponsor and hang with my HP" situation.  When I inventoried the "what is my part in it" question (step 4) and got the focus on me...what I did and why I did what I did it blew my mind.  Thank God I had the program and sponsorship to ask the question "how do you see this and what is your experiences with it"?  I am grateful to my past sponsorship for giving me the self inventory question of "Could you be wrong"?  That caused me to slow down and take a deeper and wider open minded look at the situation and possible solutions.  Sometimes choosing not to do something is a choice still.  Once I came to a solution this way I had decided on the consequences I would accept then I followed thru.  (((((hugs))))) smile  

I'm grateful for the other responses.



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SerenityRUS


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Hugs WOMFI .. There are a few things rattling in my mind when reading your post .. first off .. you have the right to adjust your boundaries based upon new information .. I say you .. I mean ME .. LOL .. I'm talking to myself. It is ok to do the foot work and sit back and make choices from a non emotional standpoint. It is ok .. to decide to end or not end a relationship. Taking care of you is top priority and I know when I do that for me I'm making the best decisions I can based upon the fact that I can do what I need to do and be ok. Plus it's just ok to be exactly where you are at because this too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone .. it will pass. :)

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

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Breakingfree


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I love the replies here and this is tough stuff, but it sounds like you are taking care of yourself and thinking rationally in regards to your finances. Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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wornoutmrsfixit


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Thanks

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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
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