The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First want to express how grateful I am for this site it has helped so much to read others experiences and see the progression and hear hope, hope for change, hope for happiness. The last two weeks at f2f meetings it's only been me and the leader, she is wonderful and I left feeling peaceful and calm each time, its a new feeling.
i also went to the counselor AH and I had been seeing but we aren't since he's not getting the formal evaluation completed and she has said she won't waste time working on the marriage if he's not sober. AH had been "controlling" the drinking better, only drinking 1-2 times a week and it appeared it was less in amount, then last Friday came and he was passed out in the middle of living room at 6 - it was really nice of him to do that when my mom, sister, and nephew were visiting. my son and I are used to it and continued on, though I admit I didn't stop him as soon as I should have when my son tried getting him up to play with him and nephew, they poked him with their toys and slapped his back. I really wanted to give him a swift kick myself. So next morning he was all cheerful, clueless as why I was being crabby. Really??!? When I brought it up he started denying then stopped, 2 hours later tried to explain it (did it take that long to come up with the lies?) apologized, he is controlling it, he has been doing it, he won't drink once his parents are back in the spring (they drink ALOT and bring so much booze when they visit, which is several times a month for several nights in a row), blah blah blah. Saturday night he's acting like all is fine, I refuse to sit with him and go to bed when baby goes to sleep. Well baby is up 30 minutes later to eat, we come out of bedroom and AH is caught mid drink, I go get a bottle (for baby) and ignore. Thought I handled it well, though I couldn't sleep for 2nd night in a row, Sunday just focused on kids and chores left elephant in room under the rug, Sunday night felt ill, Monday was physically sick. I've been debating and searching for what is best for the kids, one healthy parent is my answer.
counselor asked what I was going to do for me and kids, entire session spent talking about options and what I need in order. She also suggested I put in writing what I decided and was doing/getting in order that way AH can't say he didn't hear it. Started writing tonight, thinking and talking in controlled setting is one thing, writing it down knowing AH will read it quite another. What will his reaction be - angry, sad/remorseful, silent? Once it is said I have to follow through, I have to follow through or it's only going to get worse. I've always hated change, even as the school year ends I am sad and don't want the class to change. I also am not one to rock the boat, I calm the boat and make sure all aboard are ok.....
im contacting a lawyer to see what I can do on custody, I don't want to keep him from the kids but I can't trust him with them, they are too young to protect themselves. He has had nothing documented through job, duis, etc. that he is an alcoholic. I'm hoping with separating it won't be an issue, I can't imagine AH will fight me, he'd have no idea how to care for the baby and even on sober nights doesn't wake up when she cries.
Another fallout of the weekend is my mom, I know she means well and wants the best for us, but she is putting so much pressure on me to leave, advice on who should stay in house, how to handle in-laws, everything! Tried explaining I couldn't live with myself and wouldn't be able to leave them for custody nights and had to look into that first, she doesnt think he'd get any custody. Ugh!
Hi, KM: I hope you're feeling better now since your recent bout with sickness? I can see you have a lot on your plate and want to send you encouragement and support as you take care of yourself and follow through on your plans.
As a Mom to adults, like your Mom, I, too have given way, way, way too much advice and way, way, way too much information at times. "MOM!!!! Just listen to me," helped me know what my kids needed most from me. Once they had the courage to let me know what they needed, I knew to ask "Do you want me to listen or do you want feedback?" My daughter and I were able to forge a partnership in this way.
Having small children, a sick husband, financial concerns and an unchartered future can be incredibly stressful. I'm glad you have so much support in your corner. Keep sharing. We're here for you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of March 2014 10:06:39 AM
Kerry - stay strong. From what I know about alcoholism, he will probably verbally put up a giant fight about everything to try and keep you as his enabler. Don't be surprised to hear threats of what he will do with the kids (taking them for custody) and what not...not to mention you getting the blame for "tearing the family apart" when really it's his alcoholism tearing the family apart. From years here on the board and with alanon, I have seen this is the common response to them being called out and/or faced with the consequences in the form of separation. Keep praying to your higher power and stay connected to Alanon so that the disease does not suck you in. You are being very brave.
Let us know how putting it in writing goes. I have thought about that myself. Wait until their are sober and calm and then putting it out there. Good luck and keep in touch.
Yes you ARE brave! My hat I take of for you! (((Hugs))) I also would like to know what I must say without being mean. He has an answer evrything I throw at him, that's why I think writing would be best.
) and ignore. Thought I handled it well, though I couldn't sleep for 2nd night in a row, Sunday just focused on kids and chores left elephant in room under the rug, Sunday night felt ill, Monday was physically sick. I've been debating and searching for what is best for the kids, one healthy parent is my answer.