Frozen Out - Al-Anon Family Group

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Frozen Out

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate with the frustration of desperately wanting an emotionally unavailable, self-centered person to morph into being affectionate, intuitive and there for me on a consistent basis when they were not capable of that. Just because the person had shown me glimpses of validation and empathic emotional bonding, I made the mistake of thinking that was the "real" them that was just hiding under an a-hole exterior. Nope. I spent years trying to pull the caring out of sick folks without noticing that was sick on my part. Love need not be so much work. Someone playing silent treatment with me for days is not being "frozen out" any more. It's just them acting like a tool or being emotionally broken and not capable of the communication I desire. It's not even about me really. You can untangle any financial mess. Take care of your self esteem and boundaries because those are harder to fix. I would be more focused on never having an emotional breakdown over any man than about the financial complications.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

The avatar that you have chosen, Nightingale, speaks to me of clarity, of hope, of a simple yet abundant life. Perhaps you chose it because it is your soul calling to you? My x hated women. Charming and fun-loving on the outside. On the inside, he was a seething mass of boiling rage that erupted in violence or utilized silence to punish - when it worked. Thanks to friends and working with others outside the home, I was able to cling to sanity and to hope. I finally saw that all the prayers, changes on my part or my love would never touch him. I separated from him and stopped trying to salvage something that couldn't be salvaged. I started doing what I loved to do and later divorced him. I continued to grow after that. Later in life, he did change. He recognized the many ways he had shut life and love out. He shared with my children how deeply sad he felt about the ways he had treated me and short-changed them. But, by then, it was too late. He died within a year or two of his finally waking up to all that he had lost because he couldn't forgive his Mom for being human or himself for being so afraid to let love in. We made our peace together shortly before he died. But - I don't regret the choices I made in my favor or listening to the still small voice within me that led me through and out of a very toxic and unhappy relationship.

Sending you lots of warmth and care.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 4th of March 2014 10:30:40 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Nightingale

Is your husband in a recovery program at all? I can tell you I am not the alcoholic in my family, but I am the emotionally unavailable one. Working Al Anon steps has made me much better, a work in progress, definitely, but much better.

My AW has always been very emotionally available. But when she became A, that went away. Once she got into inpatient, and then to AA, she has come back.

I hope your husband can find something to help. I know that my condition has caused not only my wife hurt, but me more hurt than people can imagine.

Thanks for posting, it's always good to be reminded that I can cause pain and that I need to keep working on this. IN the meantime, you can only work on you, so keep it up so that you can stay clear and sane.

Peace
Kenny

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Nightinggale)))

It is indeed a painful expereince to feel such neglect and be made invisible i can so relate. I am glad that you have a sponsor and are going to meetings. Remember that we are powerless over people, places and things, Try to repeat the serenity prayer often rest, breathe deeply. You are not alone and there is hope.

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 5th of March 2014 07:52:15 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Not unlike the A we too may come to a place where we do not want to take this bolony of a disease one more moment. We face we will do about anything to get away from it.

I don't believe in fantasys. When my A went to far, that was that. I had to face the man I loved was dead. This awful thing in his body was NOT the man I loved. Becuz he would not allow anyone to treat me like this.

It hurts I know, but for me, living on my own without him is so freeing and clean.

I hope you find you are worth being happy. What are you going to do to get your life back?

jillybean1 · Senior Member

I told my therapist the same thing that you said in your post...."I don't ask for a lot". I also said that it does not take a lot to make me happy.....His words were............well it should because you deserve so much more.

I wonder now , why I put other people's happiness before my own. I now put the happy into my own life.

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Hi Nightingale, everyone has posted such great ESH here...I just had to stop by with and share some hugs because your post really touched me...been in the same sort of situation going on 3 years. I don't know if you have Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews...it's a great, short but immensely helpful book that mentions a lot of the crazymaking that goes on when you're living with an A. If you don't have it I would highly recommend volume 1 to start with. I ended up getting all 4 volumes after I read the first one. Paths to Recovery, an Al-Anon book, is another wonderful book. There is a link on this site or Amazon has many of the recommended reading materials on theirs. When I first ordered these books, I was trying to find the secret that I could learn to make my A stop drinking.... Now I read these for my own sanity, and healing.
(((Hugs))) You are not alone smile

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your post- I, too, can relate!! Truly wonderful responses and I relate to each response as well. Being in the situation had "managed down" my expectations of both myself and others. This disease will destruct anything within contact. I isolated, but am not emotionally unavailable; however, I am much more vulnerable than I would like to be - so, I'm working on strong, strong inner boundaries regarding what I do and do not wish to volunteer or be a participant.

I often think of a line from a poem by Mary Oliver: " Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate and just wanted to send you love and support!

Ifnotforgrace · Veteran Member

Sometimes we mistake an attachment for love. Love is not a struggle, love does not make us miserable nor drain us. The Co-dependent can often focus on the defects of another as an avoidance of their own issues. We stay because of financial (can't afford to live on our own) or for FEAR of being alone, when in reality we ARE never more alone than when isolated by another's addiction. Addiction does not negotiate and as others point out is like fire..it consumes everything in it's path with only the agenda of promoting it's own existence.

When we realize that we too have "unhealthy" habits that are causing us self harm (placing the value of a toxic relationship above our own needs, subjecting our children to trauma) we can focus on our own issues and develop that strength that let's us know we did not CAUSE (are not to blame) can not CONTROL (be secure in) nor CURE (fix and thereby be rewarded) another's addiction. We focus on our own recovery and become empowered by realizing we are volunteers not victims and that we have choices and that taking care of ourselves is the best gift we can give ourselves or others. Boundaries are a reflection of our self respect...or lack there of and are essential in any relationship. We must have a minimum criterion as human beings or else..we cease to be... I like the slogan LIVE ..(& let live), because today I want to LIVE not just exist or survive and when I focus on the 1st part of that slogan..the 2nd part pretty much takes care of itself and I become Free of the bonds of codependency and depending on a "relationship" with an sick and toxin filled person for my happiness. I become free to enjoy LIFE. I am no longer tired, but full of excitement and ready for the next good thing to come my way..and that's the way I want to Live..the rest of my days.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I would like to caution us labeling this person as co-dependent. We are not qualified to give that diagnosis.

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I wish you great love and support. You are powerful and will discover your truth.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.