The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic. He knows it and admits it; I know it and his entire family know it too. It's the elephant in the room, nobody is willing to say it out loud. He himself admits it frequently, but that doesn't encourage him to do anything about it. It's as if by admitting the problem, he has identified it and then that is enough.
My husband drinks every night. He drinks at least 8 large cans (500ml each) every night. Sometimes he starts and 7.30pm, other nights he makes an effort and waits till 9.30pm. The timing doesn't matter - the volume is the same. For the last 5 years he has been experiencing migraine sized headaches, and doctors cannot find anything causing them. Again the elephant in the room! We have had many many 'drunken' conversations about his drinking and each and every time he admits there is a problem, but there's never a big enough reason for him to do anything about it.
We have been married for 16 years and we have 4 gorgeous children ranging from mid teens to 6 years old. They are all very accepting of Dad's problem, but have never commented on it, other than 'that's Daddy's special drink'.
After years of watching this getting slowly and slowly worse, I find myself at desperation's door, because now my husband is experiencing irrational mood swings, and is taking his temper out on our teenage sons. I am afraid they will end up hating him. The saddest part for me, is that I can see he is doing this to himself, and has no willingness to try and change - nothing in his life takes priority over his drinking - his children, me, his job - his extended family - nothing. I am in the worst possible position of being in the firing line, if I dare comment or criticise, because I am an easy target and I then get accused of dreadful things - of hating him, of wanting to go out with other men!! For heaven's sake - if I only had the inclination or the time!!!
Anyway, it's nice to find somewhere to vent. I don't really have anyone I can confide in properly and I feel that's bad, because it will eventually have a bad affect on my health also.
Aloha G and welcome to the board...you are qualified to be here and this is now family. Everyone here knows how your shoes fit cause we've worn them also at some time or other...some presently. You have described alcoholism and the family very very well and have given a very accurate picture of the alcoholic and how the chemical and disease work you have also described the progression of alcoholism and accurately mentioned how cunning, powerful and baffling it is. We also have come to understand. My last alcoholic/addict was my spouse, a woman and the disease worked the same kind of monsterous magic in our lifes too. We come awake when we recognize the similarities between our stories and then we come to support and help each other. For me the real start of recovery from the disease which I was born and rainsed in for generations came when I was led to the doors of the Al-Anon Family groups...I was actually trying to hear from the people at Help In Emotional Problems and then the Suicide Prevention Center and thank God they were all busy or all at lunch at the time because the mystery next was I found the hotline number for Al-Anon and called. I Got a Live Voice!!! Yay...and a knowledgable spouse of an alcoholic who gave me the most important reason to attend open face to face Al-Anon meetings in my area. The reason? "your very life depends on it". I never told her I has just called the suicide prevention center. That phone call saved my life. I suggest you try what I did that worked if you haven't already...go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the number for Al-Anon. You might get a recording that tells you where and when we meet in your area and your self care responsibility will be to get there as quickly as you can. Sounds like the disease with the alcoholic is trying to hold you hostage...no reason why it should or could.
If you are feeling threatened and desperate also look up the number for Family Support cause they will come to your aid also.
When the alcoholic acknowledges that they know they have a problem and that they know that they know and do not do anything to recover from this life threatening, fatal disease its a done deal the family is victim and that is dangerous
Keep coming back here to MIP to listen and learn and share your journey. (((((hugs)))))
You have taken a wonderful and brave first step in coming here. You know you cannot do anything about your husband's drinking, but you can do a lot to take care of yourself. Keep coming back and I would also offer that getting to face to face alanon meetings is extremely helpful. As Jerry said, you are not alone. Many of us have lived through or are living with a situation just like yours. You will get a lot of experience, strength and hope here.
Nothing changes til Someone changes , we cannot wait for them to see the light . I learned here if I want change its my responsibility to make it . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself and perhaps Alateen for your kids . this is a family disease and they too are affected by his drinking and iratic behavior. We are enablers and until we stop doing what they should be doing for themselves there is no reason for him to change. we accept unexceptable behavior over and over again , we make excuses for their behavior , we cover up their mistakes , we lie to family and friends in other words we help to keep the secret . in our program you will find positive ways to get your life back and help your children , this only gets worse this is a progressive disease , it can be arrested but never cured , nothing you say or do will make him drink or stop the choice is his alone . You are not the reason he drinks regardless of what he says . Please find meetings for yourself . Louise
My Alcoholic Wife didn't have any problems drinking for years. We could go out, have some wine, beer, etc, even get drunk, and everything was fine. But in her mid-40s, she started really abusing it due to depression and other issues, and has become an alcoholic. From there it was all downhill, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. Sometimes nothing really changed for months. But then, when she get her first and second DUI, life changed in an instant.
She was not able to recognize , or at least admit, that there was a problem. No amount of persuading, cajoling, smiling, yelling, etc could convince her, until some of these seminal moments. The last 2nd DUI she get real serious, and has been sober for over 90 days now.
In Al Anon, we learn about the 3 C - you didn't cause it, can't control it, and won't cure it. This allows us to understand that we need to take care of ourselves. As you so rightly put it, we don't have time to go cheating, etc! But what we do have time for is to take care of ourselves and pull ourselves out of the insanity of our alcoholic relatives so that we can find ourselves again.
Please check into Al Anon. It has made my life so much better, and now that my wife is in recovery, I need it even more!
hi g. . I could write to you for hrs. your story is mine. but this will be brief as ive suffered with a migraine all day, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight as my alc hus is home tonight hung over from the nite before and snoring so loud the couch is my only refuge. I too, have been married 15+yrs. my ah is the same except most of his drinking s outside of our home. . to which I thank God for small blessings. we have one child who is nine and the true light of my worked. she too is compassionate towards her dad and craves his love and attention and graciously accepts the little she gets when he is home and sober. my fear is the example I'm setting in my true grit fashion to keep my family in tact. I cant bear the thought of divorce. . the idea paralyzes me exhausts me and saddens me as I know I would have to share custody. . that's a deal breaker for me. that said, what am I teaching her. I love her more than life itself. she is my only true joy anymore. my husband gives little to me and when he does it's conditional and frankly I've become conditional too. he too admits he has a problem,begs for my forgiveness and claims to do better. . .yet nothing changes but me. sometimes I change for good and rise above it and sometimes I crumble in pieces. this wasn't the life I imagined. I wasn't raised in an alc home. I was raised by two loving parents who are baffled by what I tolerate, yet I stay paralyzed. I would love to Private message you but that never works for me. I would love to write more but pain and exhaustion are setting in. lets talk more. I will watch for posts from you and pray for you and yours as i pray for myself and mine as I try to make the best of the couch.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
