New to Al-Anon...To drink or Not? - Al-Anon Family Group

LucyLynn · Member

New to Al-Anon...To drink or Not?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

This topic has come up before and there are always different responses from spouses of A's, but I will let you know how I handled it. I decided to not drink alcohol at all, because I can go without it and it is not that big of a deal for me. I have actually begun to despise what alcohol does to the people I love and would rather keep it out of my house and away from my children. They have seen their dad drink enough for our whole State and feel I can show them that it doesn't have to be an option. My children come from a long line of this disease and it may run in their veins as well. I have had that discussion with my 16 year old, but my youngest is too young. I just want them to know that abstaining is also an option for them. I could be someone that would be addicted to illegal drugs like my parents, but since I haven't tried illegal drugs I do not know and I am okay with that. This is just my way of looking at things and I used to drink with my A way back before it ruined the man I fell in love with. Now I have al-anon and some of the knowledge and tools and choose not to for the benefit of myself and my children. Some people do and some don't, it is always up to you to decide. Take what you like and leave the rest. Sending you love and support on your journey!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I drink when I am on vacation, but not always. Almost never at home. I don't worry about my hubby's sobriety. He can't eat shellfish either and I don't worry about ordering shrimp or lobster when we go to dinner. There really is nothing I can do that will affect his sobriety. He is in charge of that. I didn't cause it. I can't control it either. When my kids were young I was too busy to drink and beside their dad was already drunk and they needed a mom with a brain. I didn't miss it then. The kids had one good role model.

Next time you are at a party you are allowed a glass of wine. If anyone challenges you just walk away. Your FIL has a right to his opinion, but it is only his opinion. Like you say, he has no idea of your life.

tortuga · Senior Member

Dear Lucy,
oh yes this subject has come up many times for me too. I will only tell you how i personally went through this.
When I learned about alcoholism and what it does, 2 years ago, with my beloved A, i was devastated, disgusted. in the learning process I found out that alcoholism has been in my family for a very long time already, I was shocked. So all of sudden, I saw alcohol everywhere, I saw how it controls people all so easily. I panicked. Because I started realizing i couldn't stop what was going on around me.So many fights have been picked due to alcohol on family gatherings, parties. Drama. We grew up around it, thinking this was 'normal'. I could see myself in the grips of itas a student, later on. I had had depressions in my late 20s, and couldn't explain why. I can sort of explain today. The alcohol, weed, lifestyle and attitude those things brought along have not been in my original inner core. I've joined in because everybody seemed to join in. i joined in because I used to be a shy girl, and this helped me open up and have a social life.I was naive and blind back then. I guess we all areespecially if our parents haven't warned us about it. I thought a bottle of wine during a meal is a must. I thought a romantic date will not be possible without some wine. I was angry at first when we found out about my ABF, that whenever i cooked a meal and had a nice date together i had to keep alcohol from the table. (today this anger seems absurd to me) That was the time I found out about my own issue with alcohol. it wasn't just him. why did i become so angry and frustrated. He hadn't hit me, he hadn't done something terrible, we didn't fight i just had to leave out a glass of wine or two. So my anger was kind of unnecessary. There are worse things in the world or in a relationship to get upset about. This wasn't a health reason. So i started turning my resentment towards him against the liquid itself. and from then on it came all very naturally. Since it runs in the family, i started noticing the dynamics changing when alcohol was there, in my father, mother, sisters, friends.. I got SCARED. so much scared that I couldn't touch a drop in months. I saw ma A slip aways slowly, I saw him loosing control, i saw his thoughts affecting mine. i even saw how difficult it would be to recover once one is dry. For being dry alone doesn't help reallyif one doesn't work with the mind at the same time. So many people out there are so wrong about their knowledge of alcoholism. ..
So i came to the realization that declaring war to alcohol is a very difficult undertaking, but that there is a chance I can come out of the turmoil if I myself limit the damage by removing myself from the equation. Today, i don't find pleasure as much in drinking as I found before. Today I know it is a double-edged sword. Since I came to realize that, my body also revolts sort of, i noticed. After 1 glass of wine, my body tells me enough, like my stomach gets all sour.and I just learned to listen to my body. he speaks a complete different language than the people outside. and i believe him today, he knows best.
this all was a processit didn't happen overnight. What i like about it, is that i managed to turn my resentment against ALCOHOL, not so much against the person using. and from then on, my head did all the rest. keeping me healthy i guess.
you will learn, and you will find out, what you want to do. Things and attitudes don't change overnight. I am glad I decided to live the possibility of a healthier life in front of my A. and of course he could call me a hypocrite whenever I tried to talk him out of it, tried to talk how damaging alcohol was, and then seeing me having a glass of wine. that was pretty obvious nonsense

I admit I got angry first, not because I wasn't allowed to drink, but because he would have been controlling me once more about one more thing in my life. For he had already so much power over me emotionally, me being a co-dependent, so not drinking now because of him, I wasn't ready to do. Today this changed, I'm not so proud anymore, and I even manage to say Thank you to him, because he made me realize many things about myself in a way.
take it easy, and find out for yourself. Trust your gut.
in support

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lucy...re-read your post again as if you were someone else and see if you can pick up how drinking is so important in your own life, thoughts and feelings. Alcoholics also feel "punished" when they are kept from drinking. Alcohol is a very very important cultural marker and it isn't even a health supportive food. Yes I've heard the "its only wine" statement. That statement was made by my grandmother when my mother was attempting to stop her from introducing wine to her children. My mother fought for that not to happen because her father was alcoholic and the disease had ruined the family. My grandmother never knew or understood that she turned the disease on in me at 9 years old. I didn't think there was anything bad about drinking alcohol because our family always had alcohol on hand and to enter our homes and be offered a drink always meant alcohol and you were never stopped from getting what you wanted. Yes I know "its only a glass of wine". I also know that alcohol is a huge subject in your home and life now and everyone is affected. As an adult I was turned on to a special 5 star winner wine by a cousin. We went mile out of town to get to the restaurant that served it. Wine is soooo innocent compared to what and how my wife and I use to drink and yet a year later while enteraining friends at a party where I bought that special wine we ran out and then made a run down to the liquor store to get more only to be told by the manager that there was no more on the shelf or in stock and when I asked him why he said. "Because you have bought out every thing we had".

Again this isn't you it is about the importance of alcohol in our culture. Some of us feel punished if we don't get it and some of us get hooked into the double message of those who say we should not and then do so themselves. That is part of the "ism" in this disease.

One of the reasons (of many serious ones) is that I went to college to study the chemical and the disease. I went with the experiences of being a child of the disease, a spouse of alcoholics and addicts and an alcoholic myself. Just one little piece of information which helped me understand more was...the chemical is listed in the category of "intoxicants"..."intoxicants" are poisons ... being "intoxicated means being poisoned". I studied for myself and not for anyone else not even my grandmother who had no idea in the world or wish, I imagine, to turn the disease of alcoholism on in her grandson.

To drink or Not is a choice...its all choice...some choose without the information and some inspite of it. You can drink if you want...if you choose. Seems like your husband should not be around it.

In support. ((((hugs)))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good question, Lucy. This is a question many of us have wrestled with in our experience with alcoholism in our loved ones. I do think it is important to say that you ARE NOT the cause of your husband's drinking no matter what your father-in-law believes. Whether or not you choose to drink wine or not is a personal choice that only you can make. His disease is his issue and only he can do something about it. There is a lot of ignorance surrounding alcoholism that leads to folks to form opinions not based on many facts about the disease. It's difficult, but try not to take the ignorance of others personally. We are all still learning about this disease and how it affects us and affects our loved ones.

With that said, I do want to say that I made a personal choice to make sure no alcohol is in my home. Alcoholism is a family disease. Although I don't have it, I do have family members who have it. Some I can name. Some I'm not sure about. Because alcohol is a poison to them like a peanut allergy is to someone with that allergy, I don't want it in the house. I don't feel punished by my choice. I feel comfortable because of it.
That doesn't mean I might not ever have a syrupy after dinner drink with friends if I treat myself to a trip to Chicago or a Christmas dinner with them. But, as a general rule, I don't think about alcohol and I don't care if I drink or don't drink. So, it really is no sacrifice for me to make the choice.

Whatever you decide to do about this, it is a personal choice that only you can make just as it is your husband's choice to get help for his excessive drinking or to keep on drinking.

LucyLynn · Member

Thank you all for responding. Jerry F: reading my post back I do see where i come off like alcohol is SO important to me, I didn't mean to come off that way, I was just upset. I don't drink wine all the time. I just want to be the one to make a decision whether i feel like a glass of wine or not. I think it upsets me that the decision was being made for me i guess?

Tortuga: What you said really hit home for me! I am angry not because the wine but because i DO feel its because he is controlling me once more about one more thing in my life. so not drinking now because of him, upsets me. I have so much to think about. I REALLY loved your story, thank you.

I thought about all your comments all night and today I woke up saying I will not feel sorry for myself today. Im going to take care of me. I really appreciate ALL your comments. You are helping me more than you know.

THANK YOU.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I never really drank with or in front of my ex. Alcohol was having such an effect on my life that I despised it. I was also trying to control it so I never had it in the house. Im not sure what the answer is to this question, on the one hand if a drinker is trying to stop then I dont think its right to drink in the home but on the other hand if their recovery is wanted and strong enough it wouldnt matter.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

When my husband went through rehab the second time, we were separated. Before he moved back home he asked me to remove all of the alcohol; I happily did so and I was grateful to be able to support his request because I had a better understanding of addictions and I knew he was committed to his sobriety. Without my maturity within this disease (which I owe to al anon and my HP), I am not sure I would have heard his true intention behind his request. I knew it was not control, it was a desire to remove the triggers until he had enough scaffolding to stand strong. Now, if I want, I can have a drink in his presence...I rarely do because it just isn't my thing. I would rather buy a good book than spend money on alcohol biggrin

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't drink either. I use to enjoy a glass of wine once in a while but not anymore.

lgnutah · Senior Member

My son came home recently after hitting bottom, and advised us he was an alcoholic and proceeded to pour any alcohol he found in the house down the drain (there were 2 open bottles of wine in the cupboard from a party we had here over a year before, and a bottle of kahlua his brother had from when he stayed in the house over the holidays). He told us that he was not ready to deal with seeing it as he knew the bottles held enough inthem for him to get drunk.
I have no trouble with there not being any temptations for him (although I dont know how his brother will feel when he comes home next and the kahlua is gone). I myself dont care about alcohol so it doesnt matter to me. I personally feel if a person ismearly in recovery, it would be very hard for them to watch someone drink. it would be kindof like eating bowls of ice cream or eating toll house chocolate chip coomies in front of someone who was tryingnto lose weight.

astallaslions · Veteran Member

I struggle with this as well. Here's been my experience w/ my own drinking and my A: I am not one who can hold their liquor. I get drunk almost after a drink or two, and the rare times I have gotten drunk with or around my A, has been incredibly destructive, for myself, and for my A and his battle with sobriety. All that hurt and resentment I've been holding in, just pours out, and it ends BAD. I did this mainly in the beginning, before i was going to meeting's regularly, and before I really truly understood alcoholism and what alanon and the program were about.

For me, I have stipulated the rule that my A can't drink in our home. He can go to a friend's house, a bar, but he can't drink IN the home. This led to many temper tantrums, and him pitching a spot in the woods near our house. This drove me insane at first, because we live in a city, and many of the vagrants and migrant workers occupy the woods by our house, and I was terrified to death. I stuck to it tho. I didn't put him out there. He went on his own. The worry from the risk he puts himself in by making that choice, has caused a lot of stress, but that for me, was the right thing to do. We live in a tiny apartment, and I can't just go to the other side of the house or lock myself in the bedroom all night. Anyways, I'm getting off topic, I don't drink in the house because I don't think its fair considering the boundary I've place. I love to drink with friends. I love a glass at the end of the day, but I don't want to disrespect my A's attempt to get sober or create an unfair environment, so I do it away from the house.

Actually, tomorrow, I'm going to a work party, and he's suppose to drop me off and pick me up. This is a BIG step for us. We've had a lot of trust and communication issues, so I am hoping all goes well tomorrow. If it doesn't, I'm gonna have to get a cab, but I know I'll take care of me. You have to do what's right for you, no one can tell you what is best for you, and I hope I'm not being too blunt here, but I definitely think it was hypocritical of your FIL to say you shouldn't drink, when he was drinking as well. I found that to be pretty ridiculous, and I'm sorry you went through that. I would have been furious! It seems like you kept it together though. I'm too hot headed. I would have flown off the handle. I applaud you for your restraint. You shouldn't be held to some higher standard or code of behavior, when he first hand, knows the trials of having an alcoholic loved one, as he...created him. Yet, everybody is in a different place, maybe he is coming to terms with his part in your husband's life and his alcoholism. I usually find that my anger or judgment, is just a displacement of something I am struggling with internally and with my own insecurities, maybe your FIL is going through something similar. I don't know, I'll end my ranting, by saying that I just I hope you find some answers for yourself. Take care!

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