Dealiing with family members - Al-Anon Family Group

daisy31 · Veteran Member

Dealiing with family members

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

These are some suggestions that are based on things that have worked for me: BIL: You are someone I appreciate because you: name some of his assets. I care about you. I have hoped we could have a warm and supportive relationship. Yet, when you say things like: name them - it makes it difficult for me to feel safe around you. Do you see a way we could work on creating a relationship we could both enjoy as brother and sister to each other?

Prepare in advance what you will do to take care of yourself if he chooses to tease you or make fun of you and do it if he does. Some of the things I have done is to merely look at the other person who might be laughing sarcastically, telling me I've got it all wrong, asking me if I can't take a joke or repeating the same distancing maneuvers they practice most in relationship to me. I've also simply walked away or suggested we talk again later when they are willing to work on a solution with me.

I'm not saying these suggestions will work for you. They have worked for me. As a postscript: I find it works best if I talk with the person when others aren't around if I can do that at all. To say something to them with others around makes it difficult for them to lower their defenses and for me to stay in a place of calm and peace. Al-Anon's talk to each other and reason things out comes to mind for me here.

To me, teasing - unless it really is enjoyed by both parties and isn't used to cover up true thoughts and feelings - is as destructive as sarcasm. We might not be able to change the other person's behavior but we can say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. I grew up in a family that teased and tickled and rolled their eyes and judged, took each other's inventory and called each other names. It was seen as normal because it was what we learned and mostly what we knew to do. Today, I know there are better ways to interact and I'd rather use those ways in relationship to family and maybe gain a close friend than to keep on doing what I've always done which was usually to keep quiet, cry, suck it up or feel hurt.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 2nd of March 2014 12:53:21 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 2nd of March 2014 04:31:42 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 2nd of March 2014 04:37:26 PM

jillybean1 · Senior Member

Well, grandmas to me are AWESOME!!! So turn it into a compliment---grandmas are wise, experienced and full of love....oh and they bake great cookies. If someone criticizes me or makes an analogy about my behavior I turn it around to a POSITIVE!!! Oh and almost all the grandmas I have known don't give a hoot about what other people say about them,. I personally can't wait to be a grandma!!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

This seems to me you are taking it personally, remember QTIP (quit taking it personally). The things people say, says a lot more about them than about you. If he has to make judgmental statements toward you that make you uncomfortable, make a boundary for yourself. Obviously he is trying to trigger some reaction from you and my new favorite thing to do is not let people get under my skin or to show them what they say has hit home. The longer I work my program the better I have gotten at detaching and ignoring stupid comments from people and saying things like hmmm that is interesting and either removing myself if it is really too much for me, or changing the subject to a better conversation for me. There are A's and isms everywhere and although I am getting pretty good at spotting them, dealing with them is still not always fun. Sending you love and support!

MorningGlory · Veteran Member

((Daisy31)) it hurts my feelings too when comments are so DIRECT.
Difference now is I QTIP, I don't let it ruin my day and I don't fling it back, like I have been known to do in the past.
smile By the way, I also think Grandmas ROCK.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow!! Daisy...you've gotten alot of suggestions. I've got a dual personality and both of them wanted to wade into this post...my reaction from the "other" Jerry was "I'd just kick his ass"!! which was pre-program thoughts, feelings and behavior and really really didn't work other than to drive me into isolation, while the Al-Anon Jerry F went thru lots of the solutions others have given you here many of which I have learned and practice presently. Also I remember the lessons from the program and sponsorship which use to set me up from the start. My sponsor use to ask me "What do you want to see happen? What do you want out of this"? and then he would leave me with the thought just so I could learn how to think about and see the situation for really what it was. I learned to ask myself the question "Where would I be at, thoughts, feelings and actions if I was doing what they are doing"? (There isn't much difference between human beings...mostly for me gender and age) and since the similarities have taught me soooo much in Al-Anon I could see where the other person was at and often why they were doing what they did...I did it also. I learned about compassion and empathy and forgiveness and when I practice that often the other person gets the message that I am preceiving something out of kilter in them using the put downs and judgements and other. You also have to know yourself intimately to understand that what he is saying about you isn't true at all. You know you better than he knows you or your husband knows you. My family members use to and still sometimes do think that because we are "family" they have permission and allowance to dis-respect my originality...naaaaah that is screwed up thinking. They are family and they can be and are often wrong.

"Keep it simple"...a lesson and a practice that my sponsorship taught me to verbalize comfortably. "You're wrong about that...or...you're wrong about me" and then like some of the others have suggested...walk away with a smile.

Keep coming back because this works when you work it. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 2nd of March 2014 04:56:59 PM

-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 2nd of March 2014 04:57:43 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Daisy I have found that the best way to handle this type of situation is to validate myself. and not wait for others to validate me.

In a situation such as this I would merely say,"It is funny that you see me this way as I believe that I am a very positive person who loves life, enjoys humor and participates in all current events and trends . I do not believe that I should be viewed in such a negative way. Keep on your smile and state , I do understand that judgement of others is a very subjective matter and that you are entitled to your view smile

Repeat this once or twice and I assure you that the behavior will change.

Keep coming back your you are worth it

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We teach others how to treat us...

Hey yes I will change just for you honey!

Wow you got me pegged, whats next?

You are better than a therapist.

takes one to know one.
I am rubber you are glue bounce off me, sticks on you.

I just like the word,"so?" "so?"

Yes and that is a good thing right!!???

He is goading you to spar with him, if you want to go for it! Keep it light and fun.

YES this is definitely a kind of abuse. "whatevah!" or the palm in face, "ya right."

or questions,"oh well how did you determine that?"

"so you are saying you are going to help me be the kind of person you want me to be? plllllleeease!"

"LIke i was born to please YOU! pooooof"

hugs! debilyn

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for bringing up this topic and it inspired a lot of great responses! Over the years, I've tried a number of tactics to find "the one". However, for me, it is sometimes just recognizing the situation for what it is and choosing my level of participation. What has worked is keeping it simple and not taking it personally (lots of practice!); not engaging in something I know to be negative or downright harmful. Silence- sometimes it is not important for me to respond verbally... and sometimes the other party ups the anti- trying to elicit a response and sometimes they just start rambling with their self-justifications and rationalizations. This signals me that this is not a person who's open to listening to what's outside of their own head.

I can smile and laugh at myself if teasing from others comes from a good place, but this is not what I'm hearing you describe. What I'm hearing you describe is an outward aggression under a transparent disguise of "teasing". No, that isn't something I find acceptable. I'm sure it's not comfortable, but the Alanon steps and tools will help neutralize your discomfort. If his comments trigger you, a 4th step helps trace the roots so that you can strengthen what is on your side of the street.

karma13 · Senior Member

I like to think of other people in our lives as our spiritual teachers. Can I keep my peace and serenity around this person? the isms and para alcoholism? If I can that shows that I'm in a good place with my hp that day. I do it a day at a time, if I slip I get back up, I don't beat myself up and I try not to over analyze the situation. I have a brother that loves to tease and play games so to speak. I used to get defensive and respond. He will even go as far as to tell someone that is at our work visiting, that I'm dating someone that I'm not, or interested in dating someone I'm not to try to get me to play. I stay silent, I am in a long term committed relationship. If those people want to believe him let them (lol). It goes to show just how insidious gossip is and how much people believe. It's a great reminder not to gossip and if I have nothing that is constructive to say not to say it. I don't defend myself and he can no longer get a rise. I've found that his interest in getting a rise out of me has waned as I stay silent. I do struggle with being friendly with him and loving him as is. I have to try to keep my mind on my own defects of character and shortcomings and correct those. Blessings and prayers, Angel

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I hate bullies and my initial reaction is to bully back and hurt and show my power..... but AlAnon has encouraged me to step back, step away, not react but respond (or not).

My mom always said "consider the source.....". Don't make excuses for them and don't take it personally. He has issues in his life too.

Now I take myself out of the line of fire. I step away. If I give them another chance to hurt me (and they do) I step away again.

Take care of yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.