Confused feelings - Al-Anon Family Group

CKCS · Member

Confused feelings

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you have found us. I hope you will also find a face-to-face meeting, because having that support is a wonderful resource. They say to try six different ones because they're all different.

Alcohol drags everyone around it into the insanity, and it's no wonder we feel full of stress and as if our worlds have been turned upside down. We need our own recovery from the madness as much as the alcoholic does.

What I found out when I was in the thick of this was that I was addicted to my alcoholic as much as he was to alcohol. I regarded him as the love of my life because of the strength of my feelings, even though when I looked at it hard, I could see that he didn't treat me very well. It was chaos, turmoil and drama a good deal of the time. But I always had the hope that the wonderfulness that I'd felt in the beginning would come back. Sometimes it did for a little bit -- three days or four days. But sadly, it was never reality. I was addicted to the hope as much as to the reality.

What I wish someone had told me was that only 15%-25% of those who start recovery achieve longterm sobriety. When my Alcoholic started recovery, I was so relieved -- I thought things were finally turning the corner. And he insisted that everything was going to be fine now. I went through several more rounds of hope, chaos and despair before I figured out the reality. In retrospect, I wish I had waited to see if he really had the recovery -- waiting a year or two is not too long -- before I plunged back in.

Al-Anon doesn't give advice, but we only share our Experience, Strength, and Hope -- except where someone's safety is in danger. If your A has tried to strangle you, that is a very serious situation. Sadly, people with violent impulses tend to accelerate them at times of separation. I hope you will take very good care of yourself and not take any risks at all. At times like this, they use all their powers to lure us back. Promises, sweetness, reminiscences of all the good times. I had to start keeping a list of all the bad times just to keep my head clear. I hope you'll have someone with you if you have to see your A for anything, and meet in a public place. We don't want to lose you.

I hope you'll find a good meeting (and there are meetings here too), read all the threads here on the boards, get the literature, and keep coming back.

sushinec · Newbie

I am going thru a similar situation my husband is a heroin addict.... always teliing me he was going to change he was doing well for a while. we recently moved to a different location for a new start at this point i thought it was all going to get better..but it only got worse the mental and verbal abuse the neglect the control. on feb 7 it was our 3 year wedding anniversary when sitting at the table that i realized my husband relapsed. then by the 14th when he didnt come home till 1am did i realize he has not only rlapsed fully buy something else was going on i left while he was supposedly at school the next morning..he never called me to check up on me to see if i was ok till feb 19 my birthday while i was at school he wanted me to come hope. I love this man and was in love with him i have known him since the age of 8....as i walked in the door i got this horrible feeling in the air in my gut then i found evidence on his phone and again i left....now i am the one couch surfing i left him with everything. i can relate to your feelings. he told me i had mental issues and yes i do because of what i was going thru with him the constant worry the thoughts that kept me up at night the hiding money the enabling yes and so much more it has taken so much out of me. i too cry i wonder how my life has came to be this way but i realized its not my fault i didnt give him this disease and i should be happy and i should not let him put me on a guilt trip and you know what my favorite months is now my worst month of the year.....but i will continue to move foward i think i been gone for two weeks going on three and each day the pain gets a little more easier. stay strong

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

They are good manipulators and blamers for sure, don't take it on, you know better. Face to face al-anon meetings helped me, so has MIP and reading lots of books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, my 3 daily al-anon readers "Courage to Change" "One Day at a Time" "Hope for Today". Digging into your self care and working an al-anon program can help you. My wise old sponsor helped me to work my steps after awhile in al-anon and face and deal with myself, it was scary, but oh so freeing! Sending you love and support on your journey!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you are going through this ordeal now. I also know that with the help of Al-Anon recovery work, this, too shall pass and so will your feelings towards yourself and towards him. Kudos to you for refusing to let his inappropriate behavior and the lies of this disease keep you in a situation that you see was unhealthy for you and unacceptable to you! That healthy self-respect will serve you well. Keep coming back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Almost all of them say we are mentally ill, need therapy, are crazy, blah blah blah.

Give yourself time. I would say you are not in love with who and what he is now, ran by an evil disease.

I had to tell myself my A died as this creep was not anything like him.

You know you are better off. He crossed the line to me. I would be staying away and allowing myself to heal.

He is an abuser, a cheater and an addict. When they are nice it is them manipulating usually.

I worked on saying stop in my head then trained me to put in something else. It is working even now! I am doing nice things for me.

got new sheets, some blankets, books, pillow cases, new tops.....getting some garden seeds and chicks to raise. Take my life on a completely different path!

YOU are worth it, what would help you to heal? Take care of YOU. hugs,debilyn oh most important learn to take ONE day at a time, and also give it all to hp.

CKCS · Member

@Mattie
Exactly what I'm experiencing. I am addicted to him. I don't know why, he treats me like a doormat. He does whatever he wants to, regardless of my feelings or opinions. While talking about it with people, I realize he's nothing but a terrible egoistic man who deserves absolutely none of my love. But reality is, I'd take him back anytime no matter how often he cheated, neglected or abused me. I need help. I don't believe anything he says. It's all about him, it's always been about him. First his alcoholism, now his sobriety.

@sunshinec
I've been through the same. I left him in the middle of the night after he bought cocaine while being very drunk. Slept in the car with my son for 2 days. Too scared to ask relatives to help us.

@Breakingfree
I'm reading Courage to Change and One Day at a Time. Thank you and I'm grateful for all the support.

CKCS · Member

@Debilyn
Yes! I know you are right. I don't love the alcoholic horrible abuser. I love the man he used to be while being sober. I miss him, but I also know I won't ever get him back because of what happened ever since.
He tried to strangle me, he beat me down to the floor, threw me off the stairs, slept with a fellow AA woman one week after being sober...... I know I'm not mentally ill. But I will get help because of all the heavy stuff that happened all those years. I deserve a nice man. Someone that treats me the way I should be treated and loved.

Gosh this is so difficult. I loved him, I must let him go. I will never get him back.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((CKCS)))) I can completely relate! You're not alone.

Safety first. Physical abuse escalates. Please have a safety plan and several back ups- this is a priority. Run your plan by a trusted person and see if they have additional suggestions. Contact your local woman's shelter and speak with them about a safety plan. If your local shelter doesn't seem helpful, try contacting the headquarters in Texas.

The disease infiltrates and affects everything it touches and leads to insanity or death. It is powerful, cunning, and baffling. I have come to learn that it is not a choice of the disease or you, just as it is not a matter of winning or losing.

Alanon was and is the only place I can turn to for learning new skills and adopting more positive thought processes that include taking care of myself. Keeping the focus on myself and strengthening my relationship with HP is what becomes most important. The steps and tools give us the means to practice. Alanon and MIP give the support and encouragement that's needed, because it's otherwise much too much to try and handle alone! I'm so glad you found us. Reach out for even more support to your local Alanon face-to-face meetings too, grab a sponsor to work the steps with you. This is the most efficient way that I know to work the program.

In support.

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Thank you CKCS...sushinec...Debilyn. It's amazing how hearing these stories remind us we aren't alone and the only one feeling crazy. They are all so good at making us beleave it's all our fault and they are reacting to our craziness. These post have helped me feel better tonight and I've even stopped crying for the moment.

sushinec · Newbie

I am so grateful i found this site everything all of you said is what i was going thru..i do miss him and i was addicted to him too. People are telling me to go back that i made a vow before god....he did too he lied in front of god and to me he mentally and verbally abused me he too is egoistic and your right he was a great munipulator and i always gave in...i beel feeling better everyday....stronger....getting my self esteem back smiling laughing and not afraid to have friends any more i thank you all for sharing and comments because at one point i really did think it was me who had the problem..he broke my spirit and my soul was shattered i lost myself and i am finding myself each day buy why do i still feel guilty for leaving?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Missing them and loving them but having to let them go is so so hard. To know I might never get back my son is heartbreaking and I become lost sometimes.

I pray everyday that I will let go and let God take over and have faith I will get him back someday....that is all I can do.

Take care of you my friend because that is what's best for you

((( hugs )))

CKCS · Member

Thank you all for the wonderful comments!

I'm having a hard time letting go, but I have to. He made a choice to have another woman in his life, one he met at the second AA meeting. It also says all I need to know about us. He's blaming me for all that went wrong, but even though I'm being torn apart by guilt and frustration, I KNOW it was him and the alcohol as well as my way of acting and reacting.

I try to understand all he's been saying to me, his abusive behavior towards me. I talked to really great understanding men from the AA who told me all the things I didn't know about alcoholism and made me understand my ex a little better. And I know I have to make it very clear to myself: I'm addicted to my ex partner, I will always love him but I'm letting him go and live the life he chooses. I have to.

The guilt is terrible, all the why's and no answers. He's been calling and texting me time after time but I don't answer. What's the use? He keeps blaming me, keeps putting me down in the most horrible way, threatening etc etc. I'm not his toy anymore. I know I'm loveable, pretty, sweet and caring. All the things he said I'm not.

I've got a meeting with a psychologist later on today who will help me put back my self esteem because it's all gone. He destroyed it. He'll never understand what he's been doing to me. Since he slept with another AA woman, both of them are banned from the meetings in our area. They all knew we had a relationship and he left me for her.

It's a blessing to have Al Anon and this site.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.