10 year old asking .'s - Al-Anon Family Group

Tan · Member

10 year old asking .'s

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tanya and welcome to MIP! You're in the right place and I'm glad you found us.

Children are so smart. Honesty has been my policy with my daughter so that she would know that she could always trust me for the truth. She had inquired about her Dad when she was 7- she identified with a character in a book who's dad was like her dad. I thought for a few minutes to decide what was important for her to know. I knew it was important that she know that she is loved and always would be. I knew it was important that she feel validated (she was very aware of his crazy- it was confusing, scary, baffling, and more). I knew she would want to know if she'd be ok. I told her that her dad does have a problem with too much alcohol and other things and it can make him sick and not be able to express his love for her the way that he would like. She asked more about the problem, I explained it like a sickness, but not the kind like the flu or something where he couldn't just go to a doctor for medicine; I told her this kind of sickness is handled differently. This has opened and strengthened our relationship ever since and we could discuss the details as she matured and was ready for them. She grew up to be a lovely young lady, full of poise and confidence. We still work on issues and that's ok.

((Tanya)) I smiled when reading that providing an aka of AH feels wrong- you seem so sweet! It's not done to diminish him in anyway- it's just meant to be respectful of his privacy. There are no rules, so please feel free to just say husband or another word that respects his anonymity.

Keep coming back!
In support.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Tanya Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I am so glad that you broke the isolation of this disease, are attending alanon meetings and have shared on this Board. Your daughter could attend alateen and Ibelieve it would be beneficial There are WSO Approved on line meetings available Here is the link

WSO approved meeting place for teens living with alcoholism	Reply Quote More

http://chat.alateen.net teens will have to register and ip addy is checked ,they can then attend any of the alateen meetings listed on the sign in page. this is the only Al-Anon approved site available for teens.. Sponsors are members of our program who have been police checked and verified as attending reg Al-Anon meetings . these rooms are not open for general chat they are only open when being monitored durring meetings . Keep coming back

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome. I agree a twelve step program may be what she needs. I think if she is old enough to ask then shes old enough to be told. On the official Alanon website there is Alateen literature that you could give your daughter and its very well written. I bought it for my son who at first refused to look at it but I think he has it in his room now. Hes 16 now. We use the term AH and A, I think to keep the persons anonymity which as you know is important in Alanon. This is the reason I wouldnt put my photo or reveal my own name. glad your here and I hope it works out.

Tan · Member

Thank you thank you and thank you

on another note- does anyone know why there is a little icon of a tag beside my original post title?

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

you'll see the tag icon when you're logged on. It appears to the person who has initiated the topic.

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Welcome to MIP!!

What a wonderful share! So glad to hear you are member of Al-Anon!

We did not have Alateen in our area but had we, my children would have been there:)

But we did take them to Open AA meetings all the time:) We both left our literature available for them to read, it was very beneficial to both of them!

13 years Later my daughter will still talk about a certain persons share that helped her all those years ago!!

Blessings to you and your family!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Tan and welcome to the board. Alcoholism is an incurable, life threatening disease. If not arrested by total abstinence it progresses into insanity and often death. That is not a scare statement we use to read that in all Alateen meetings I use to sponsor. The youngest Alateen member I've met was 10 years old and just recently met an 11 year old. Alateen is a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups so if no Alateen meetings are available they are qualified to attend Al-Anon. The original age requirement started at 12 yet with group conscious decision and the ability of the younger member to adhere to group policy and traditions younger was allowed.

Alcoholism "isn't a moral issue" Shame doesn't fit in regards to people affected by disease though we know what you are saying because of the behaviors the "drunks" act out under the influence (they are always under the influence until they get into recovery.

You can expose her to the professional information about alcoholism such as the AMA and LANCET and other organizations which would take it off of being a personal issue on your part; they do it with out anger, fear, resentments and the other emotions we who are the family friends and associates of alcoholics and addicts often do.

One other reason she can use the information is that as a child of an alcoholic the genetic propensity can be explained. She like my children and grand-children are exposed and they have to know it. I didn't when I was a child and at the age of 9 got turned on by my grand-mother while my mother attempted to not let it happen. I am genetically predisposed and a dual member in recovery and a AMISTA (Adult Member In Service To Alateen). She needs to know and maybe in knowing she will also let peers understand that this is a disease and there is help for the teen family members also.

If anyone in your groups has a teen who has recovery experience its okay to let her speak with them both being willing. Keep coming back. Your compassion is gold. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 1st of March 2014 06:07:26 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I follow Bud's policy of honesty. When the kids ask I try to be as honest as age appropriate. Sometimes they attend open AA and Alanon meetings because there is no Alateen in our area. They also have therapy so if there is something they don't want to talk to me about there is an open line of communication for them. They are perceptive and know what is what .. their dad is actively drinking and is not working a program of recovery. We don't keep secrets for my family this is how addiction thrives .. guilt, shame and silence. Hugs s :) glad you are here!

Tan · Member

Thanks again all, yes jerry the genetic lpredisposition factor has not been lost on me-well my husband and myself actually - there is alcoholism on both my side and my husbands side going back more than one generation for sure!!!yikes... And my daughter is one of those kids that seeks sensation - you know- can spin for two entire minutes and walk a straight line - then spin again...oh my...so anyway, I guess now is the time to do some talking as she also is very curious about who I am "chatting " with on line. Sort of out my character to do. I will look up those resources that were suggested and begin the open and honest discussion.. One question... Someone mentioned shame should not enter the picture. I can't help but feel some, For blindly- or not so much repeating generations of patterns . Not really a question after all- more of a confession or something.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Tan You are not alone. I believe we can all identify with feeling shame at one time or another. When I accepted that alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured I was able to let go of the shame and pick up the positive recovery tools of Hope, Courage and Serenity.

Knowing that I did not cause it, cannot control , or cure it, were words and concepts of freedom to me

Your honesty and clarity are great recourses that will lead you to deeper recovery.

Keep sharing

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and glad you have reached out to introduce yourself. I had my now 16 year old meet with a counselor that was trained in dealing with families of alcoholics, in which she could ask any question she wanted and get the answers. She said it was very helpful and I was glad that she could get a good grasp of the dynamics of this family disease early on. She knows about al-ateen, there is not one here locally, but she is not interested. She has her counselor and tools online to do her own research and program work. I do talk openly about things with her, but I am careful and walk a fine codependent line to not get to into her stuff. Every kid is different and ready at different times, I believe you will know when to have the talk. Sending you much love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.