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my 38 year old A son is definitely the "favorite" of all of the 8 grandchildren. (none who are cursed with this fatal disease) my parents do EVERYTHING for him and little for the others. he is active in his addiction and not working. my parents pay ALL of his bills. they babysit for his son so he can sleep off his alcohol from the night before. it goes on and on. i also have a 29 year old daughter who is a struggling single parent. she works, goes to school and takes care of her son. recently her brakes went on her car and she had to pay $550 to get them fixed. well today my father is putting brakes on A sons car (free of charge) i am so pissed off! A son is the "golden child" in their eyes. it is a messed up situation that the entire extended family has been dealing with for years. i am resentful. i have told them that they are keeping him sick. just arguments and excuses. my parents are not interested in alanon. i try to put alanon principles in place when dealing with my parents. i can not change them anymore than i can change my alcoholic. enablers are just as sick as the alcoholics.
Hi, debhud: I can relate to everything you are saying here. It is frustrating when members of our family continue to enable the A when we have learned this doesn't help them. Seeing our powerlessness over them requires as much practice as seeing our powerlessness over our active A. If its any help to you, my loving yet enabling father got tired of enabling my son and stopped doing it. I learned that trying to say anything to him was like that "Talk to the hand" action. It resulted in me just wasting my energy. My Dad was going to do what he'd always done until he didn't do it anymore. Then, others took his place. Turning them all into their HP's hands and continuing my own program work didn't stop anybody from doing anything differently, but it sure helped me see the need to keep my program practice going earnestly. It helped me take my focus off the enablers (who also thought I was being "mean" because I wouldn't rush in to give my son money, a place to live, or bail him out of jail) and stick to what I knew I could do. The rest of it just wasn't my business.
I believe what PC said because I could be one of them. I have thought so many times how I will get my own place and take my son in and just treat him like my little boy again. I think it has something to do with me not raising him until he was an adult. I missed his teens and it hurts. Even though I hated the alcohol I loved taking care of him and doing everything to make him happy.... sick....
Debhud... you have tried your best to help your parents to understand what they are doing to your son but you haven't been able to get anywhere. I pray you will be able to let to of all of it and live your life and help your daughter still. Maybe it's like giving your parents a little tough love letting them know your going to let to and let God take over..
Your in my prayers and please keep coming back because it's not good to do this alone.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
"i can not change them anymore than i can change my alcoholic. enablers are just as sick as the alcoholics." There you go; the gift of wisdom and I am reminded what my sponsor told me when I also came to some understanding of the ugliness of our disease which was "all you have to do is accept it...you don't have to like it". Yeppers we get as sick as they do and don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality and therefore have to go thru the insanity wide awake. Alcoholics have hightened survivor skills...they can find enablers in a dark room with their eyes closed. (((((hugs)))))
Dealing with this family disease is chaotic at best, but I have learned some really great tools like detachment, because I will never change anyone that does not wish to make changes. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
