The material presented
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level.
Have any other parents of adult As thought about how to prevent your estate from becoming your As party (til the money is gone)?
I belong to NAMI, as my son is bi polar, and there is a speaker coming to our meeting next week who is going to talk with us about this very issue. With my daughter being an active A, I have concerns.
My thought is that I don't want to be an enabler, even after I am dead! I don' t think this means I am trying to control my As, or that I think I can keep an A from drinking, but it seems fair to me to not want it to be on my nickel.
Hi Ignutah- I relate but do not have any experience to share, other than stipulations can be made regarding dispersement. I'd be interested in learning more from the others and anything you might like to share after your meeting.
I know someone who used to be addicted to pain medications whose parent had a clause in their will that she had to test clean for two full years, and show evidence of having been employed during those years, before she could inherit a penny!
I have never thought about it before because I won't have any real money to leave. Any personal belongings like jewelry or expensive things my son can have it. If he sells and blows the money on alcohol I won't care anymore because I will be dead.
I'm never going to be able to control him either alive or dead so I'm not going worry about it.
I wish you the best that you can do what is right for you and your children.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I've wrestled with that same question with my active A and my end of life issues. I still haven't come to a good decision about what to do other than to make yearly adjustments to what seems reasonable right now. I take that as it isn't time to make a decision other than not to do it yet. Lots of prayers as you sort this out for yourself.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 28th of February 2014 09:57:47 PM
What do people do when their kids have other life threatening diseases? Do they not leave any money to an adult child with cancer for fear of it all going to medical bills? What about if other tragic things happen to them, that they did not ask for. above and beyond the disease of alcoholism that they did not ask for? How do you pick who is 'worthy' and who is not?
And what if they get into recovery and spend the WHOLE works on a sober house that saves a whole bunch of OTHER people's adult kids lives? Is that okay? What if they decide to give it all to the poor?
Boy... giving with strings attached sounds like hard work to me... hopefully I'm in good spiritual condition when I'm in that position. My grandma is 92 and trying to 'gift' away all her money so it doesn't end up going to a nursing home. I told her - I don't care about the money or stuff... none of that matters... all that matters is that you know we love you know matter what you do or don't do with your money... and that we'll keep you with family until there is no other way... no matter what.
I think this would be controlling, even when we are dead. If I die tomorrow, my son gets a few thousand, this could kill him or it could have another effect, I dont think this is enabling, I see it as part of his journey and the outcome is his not mine. I have 2 other kids, if I put a clause in my will that he doesnt get his share, well that may have an impact that is more long lasting. As for getting him tested regularly, that to me is enabling, sending a message from the grave that I have power and control and you will do as your told. I dont believe people can be forced into sobriety this way.
This is a good topic, I had not given this much thought before. Today I dont provide money to my son, he uses it to stay within his disease, if these are my choices now then maybe I should consider removing him from my will because the choice and responsibility is mine today. This could change if things change for him. Maybe its about our motives, if we want to do the right thing then taking responsibility for our finances is doing the right thing. If an a does not get their inheritance due to their alcoholism then that is a natural consequence of their own choices. Thanks for sharing this, maybe there is no right or wrong answer, its the right thing for us at the time. Its easy to judge the choices of parents but unless you have an a child you really dont know the difficulties.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 1st of March 2014 07:52:12 AM
I understand your concern....I also understand that both bipolar disorder and alcoholism are not like cancer and you don't need to feel like you are being unsympathic to your childrens' illnesses by having these concerns. I do agree it's probably more effort than it's worth to over control it. Like most ways of dealing with impaired persons, you are left with the choice of how much "controlling" takes away from your serenity. The alcoholic is going to find ways to mess up or not. To thine own self be true. If you pray to your hp, you'll receive guidance needed better than from us probably. I do understand your concerns though. Even though I've been sober for 5 plus years now, my older sister is the executor of my parents' will/estate. It's not even because of my drinking but more based on the types of people I let into my life when I was drinking and those people robbing me due to me not caring or paying attention when I was busy being a drunk. I understand and don't care that this is the way my parents have set it up. I was never banking on their money anyhow. They have their reasons and it's all good.
Having an addiction is not a choice. Remaining active in it and continuously refusing recovery for one's whole life does involve an element of choice. Pretty much equates with a diabetic eating krispy cremes until they fall over dead as opposed to taking insulin and staying on their diet. They have the right an dignity to make that choice and it sucks that they have diabetes and can't process those foods without serious health risk but they are still accountable in the end.
It's strange because we often want to be compassionate to the alcoholic when applying the disease model. But viewing it as a disease like cancer also strips the alcoholic of their dignity because then they are going to believe they have no choices and options. When I make good choices for my recovery - I'm not actively diseased....I have a treated disease.
Dont underestimate me, I have believed this is a disease for a long time now. I dont believe it is a disease like cancer or diabetes in the sense that my experience with my son and his addiction is not the same as a mother living with her adult childs cancer. I can imagine there are similarities like any disease but seeing your son making crazy choices that could be life threatening is different. The powerlessness over it is different. Its too general to compare it to other diseases, of course there are similarities but there are probably an equal number of differences.
There is choice in this, choices driven by a disease but still choices. Your link comes from a whole different perspective, an alcoholic mother is very different to a mother with an alcoholic child. I am the child of an alcoholic, the ex wife of an alcoholic and now a mother with a son who acts very much like an alcoholic. My perspectives are different based on my experiences. How I felt as a child and wife is so very different to how I feel as a mother and thats why I understand that to leave your alcoholic adult child money in your will may hurt them and no mother wants to hurt their child ever. I meant no disrespect when I said you cant know unless you know.
It's baffling. Money was not much of a trigger for me, but I have worked with and known a number of alcoholics (and more so addicts) that money is a serious trigger. My even handing them 20 dollars would almost equate to harming them as much as punching them in the face. Nonetheless, I have given money to some folks who were in active addiction "hoping" it was going to the right thing because they also need some amount of money to stay alive and it could also be reasoned that the money will be used to buy the last drink or drug needed to hit bottom so....It's sad, confusing, and exasperating. Only HP knows the answers to each situation I guess.
I agree. Being the parent of a child with the disease of alcoholism is definitely different than being a parent a child with cancer. As Pinkchip has pointed out although both are recognized as a disease, the medical treatment of each is much different as is the attitudes, and responsibility.
If I were in this situation I would consult an attorney as to setting up a trust fund and administer the funds on a monthly basis in some fashion.
I have a sponsee, who is an attorney and who has arranged this for a family. The son is homeless and does not have a mailing address. He comes to her office each month to pck up his cheek and then must live for the month a best he can.
Please keep coming back and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers
As an addendum: To me, the issue isn't about control for a loving parent. It is about what is the most loving choice to make by a parent on behalf of his/her child. Wrestling with these types of questions to me is also loving since this is such a gray area and has no easy black or white pat answers to it. Since I do wrestle with the issue, I so appreciate this thread and the responses. It helps me consider different perspectives as I listen to how others see the same topic. In my case, when my A has money, it inflates the ego, he feels incredibly powerful and that power surges into buying drugs, alcohol and feeling invincible which inevitably leads to his being beaten up, thrown out of cars, living with people who commit huge crimes and violently going against people who love him. If I liken this to diabetes, giving him money when I know what happens to him, is like cooking for him with every type of sugar possible and hiding his insulin. Thanks, I, for starting this discussion. Gives me lots of food for thought.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 1st of March 2014 10:10:34 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 1st of March 2014 10:25:14 AM
Thanks to all who took the time to thoughtfully consider my concerns. As we enter the ladt decades of our lives, these issues become important. I will attend the presentation tomorrow (speaker is an attorney, NAMI meetings are attended by families of mentally ill adults).
