Went back to old habits... - Al-Anon Family Group

Akavanagh · Member

Went back to old habits...

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to accuse, beg, plead, cry and fight to the end telling my son he's drinking no matter how much he denied it. Found the bottles many times and threw them in his face. Guess what it didn't do anything but make me upset. Now I can have boundaries because I know when he's drinking or he's not.....just a look in his eye would tell me. So I didn't need to say a thing until he approached me and then I could use the words.

Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean. You don't have to be quiet about what's going on but it's how you tell him your feelings and what you will do and will not do.

Like if your drinking I'm going to smell it so please don't try and kiss me....I love you but would appreciate that you respect me because of my dislike of alcohol ...

and thank you.

Boundaries that you set and he understands works best so there's not the quiet and/or ignored questions.

LOL my SO has a beard now and I don't like ( scratches my face ) it so when he tries to kiss me I bend my head so he can kiss my forehead. He's come to understand and kisses my forehead with no problem and I do the same back.

Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone.

PS: You know......

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I invite you to read my reply to "cool." said in love!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Akavanagh

It is easy to fall back into old ways. Using Al-Anon tools takes dedicated effort each and every day. Every morning when I awakened I say the third step and serenity prayer before I even get out of bed. That solidifies my determination to at least consider program tools before I revert back to my old toolbox.

Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, fatal disease over which we are powerless. I finally accepted that going to battle with it only destroyed me. The best I could do was to keep the focus on myself, develop positive constructive tools for myself to live by and to allow HP the working out of the bigger picture.

Remembering the three C's, I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it helped me not to run around looking for bottles or to prove I was right. I put the focus on myself and my happiness and developed the simple attitude of live and let live. " Letting live" was easy but learning how to live myself took effort

Keep coming back it works

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I was just about to write my experience, but guess what - it looked almost exactly like cathy's above! I could only add to set the boundaries while he is sober, and don't get trapped into the round and round arguments. If I have a boundary to set, I state it, then it's all over. There's nothing to debate because it's MY boundary.

Sending you lots of hope and encouragement. If we were all perfect everyday there would be no need for this message board!

Peace
Kenny

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Good to have you back with this post...not so grateful for the cause of it and then it really is what it is. Some get screwed up with it and some learn from the responses you get. I'm in the second group because Cathy's response is how I have to remember to do it myself...set my attitude in the morning with recognizing who I am waking up to serve and what it is that I need....The third step prayer kept simple at HP's request is how I start myself; that and turning on the switch to my meditation..."God is". Going back to old habits doesn't take thought or effort. I was expert from the practice of them. What I needed was to create new habits, those which were much better in supporting my peace of mind and serenity. My sponsor taught me a good thought question to the habit of "needing to know which was none of my business". The question was/is "what am I going to do with the information"? ...then remember old consequences and outcomes and plan new ones. Since I didn't have the habit of thinking up new ways of responding the normal thing I would do with the information was load it in my gun and shoot myself in the foot with it.

You had a slip...Now What? Choose something different if there is a next time. Keep coming back and growing. (((((hugs))))) smile

tortuga · Senior Member

you are aware of what's going on: you say you went back to old habitsnoticing this is already a big step forward. yes, the disease gets us back in now and then, while we are learning to apply new tools. I think when these new tools become part of who we are, the new ME, then we don't fall back so easily, living with new habits.
so you looked for and found those bottles. Don't be disappointed, for drinking is what A's do. you cannot change him, if he doesn't want to change. But YOU can change. if you don't like to kiss him or stay near him because he stinks alcohol, well nobody says you have to. You can walk away, and find something else to do for yourself. And if this ends up in not being the relationship you dreamt of, well than that is what it is. and you can choose a different way. that is not defeat, nor is it selfish, that is self-care. Your lines have probably been crossed long time ago from the things you want to put up with to the things you cannot put up with. I didn't notice when that happened with me. But it left me frustrated deep inside. And i stayed quiet for a long time, and i got angry deep inside, and i got sick..in my thought, in my reactions, in my assumptions, in my whole being. That is how the disease of alcohol affected me without even using. Mind altering, heart altering. What i didn't want to know for a long time, was that i had choices for myself. Not always the easiest, i admit, but still. I could take responsibility for how I let myself be treated, how I wanted to live, when to choose peace and serenity. When I saw that I took a lot of time for myself A's sure don't like thatbut hey, i didn't like his drinking or raging either. He just had to live with it or leave. I left a person who I love. I now love him on a distance. and I learn to love myself, through discovering what i like and don't likeit's interesting.
listen to your inner voice, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't to you. keep walking, and keep listening..to you.
in support

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews? Awesome book that helped me set boundaries and to stop searching for things I already knew the answer to. Sending you love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.