Lots of thoughts have sprung into my mind lately...there's hasn't been much going on around here, at least not on the surface. But I've been learning everyday and for that I'm very grateful. It truly is about Progress, Not Perfection, isn't it?

I started likening living with my A to being at one of those tacky little carninvals, especially since he's got the carny look down pat. There's lots of bright lights and boisterous fun at night, but in the daytime it looks pretty junky and sad. Lately it seems like I've been stuck on the carousel far too long. Last night the A was leering and staggering around the house all night, bottles clinking, loud laughing.... He's ramped his drinking up again so the past few nights, he's eaten everything in the house.

It really is like the infernal giant carousel, because I get a point of reference, then the A's behavior reels me around until I get lost, and then I see the same point of reference again. I was thinking today that if I stayed in this situation until next year, would that be a sufficient point of reference for me to believe that I am living in and with a disease? I do actually believe and know what I'm living in and with, just that I've been frozen with fear, wanting to jump off, but afraid to do it.

The thing that has inspired me is that while alcoholism/addiction poisons everyone it touches, Al-Anon and the 12 steps cures in the same way. I've realized that I'm not as alone as I've thought. I have my HP.

My exercise for today is to start a little journal and write these things down to remind me of what I think and feel. Those words along with my other reading materials will be my NEW point of reference. I can also start being an actual friend to myself, and start taking care of me. I can rescue myself, I don't have to wait for some magical person to come and lift me out of this mess. I can fake it til I make it I bought the ticket, took the ride, now it's time to leave this freak show carnival.

Thanks for reading.