The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this month was a difficult one, but I also had some little break throughs waiting for me. i tried to keep the focus on me, and it's nice to feel a bit of 'wholeness' again. I am carefully forgiving myself, and am now learning to accept the critic in me. I realized that what I criticize in others, is the part i don't like about myself, so I learn also to accept those awful teachers with more gratitude, for they guide me towards my darker side. I can be controlling in that I try to do people pleasing, which of course used to be attached to an expectationthat i didn't always realize at the time. With this i tried to keep people close, or sometimes make them feel guilty, so they would stay close.that was my ways of passive aggressive behavior. I have that sort of righteousness sometimes, it's not beautiful. I always tried to be the nice girl. For I used to be shy, and stressed for that internally, and i tried to avoid conflict, because I felt so much ashamed many times, for I felt angry many times, even as a kid. and I thought I should pay for that angerand this be 'nice' all the time, to make it up to the others. for being angry was devastating to my own Self. angry to be left alone, angry to be judged, angry to be belittled, angry not to be heard, angry not to stand up for myself..and the anger was so big, that i got scared over time that I would let it out one day, and it would cause real big damage. so i learn to act out in other ways. and tried to hide anger. to the point of suffocation.
well today I realize al this. and i allow myself to be angry. to be jealous, to be hurt, to be mad, to be sad. those emotions still scare me, but i am learning to let them be part of me. just for a certain time, i allow them and then let them go. That's where my meditation comes in handy. I learned so many tools in the past 3 years, i am really grateful, for I finally know how i can apply them. there are days, where these emotions can get overwhelmingi am not saying that i have it fully under control. I am just saying, i am grateful where and what to look at so all of a sudden I am so much busier with my own business, my own 'disease' than with other people's. and that seems a better investment.
as far as other people are concerned well I simply have not much energy right now to 'care' for them sounds selfish..is selfishit's meant to be, I am learning to get in touch with my self-worth. it had been dismantled completely in times along with the A. and I'm not completely frustrated because of it. Since we were very similar in some ways, he helped me in a way scratching off that false surface, because i had set up a huge armor in the past 20 years or so. I am also looking for people that I admire, I mean positive people, what I like about them, spending time with them, which gives me inspiration and hope for better life skills.
So I'm building up again, now in more healthier ways, ad very slowly and i feel more happy with what is there. yes there is a dark side, i mean that one filled with fear.and it can act out in funky strange ways. But i am learning just to listen now to that inner critic, listen what he says, and why he says it and i listen without correcting him or ignoring him. It's me too , after all. and I promised to myself that i would be more caring and loving towards SELF. sounds like a missionheeeuh.
I identify with much of this Tortuga. I didn't grow up in an A family, but really it was a family that had all the same components as A - passive aggressiveness, excessive control from parents until kids were totally compliant/passive, etc I'm just starting to work on this, and it seems daunting and overwhelming, so thanks for the share, you are giving me hope!
You're growing "T"...really well. It sounds like you have found clarity and understanding. That is miracle stuff. I recognize my own journey in yours and say to myself Tortuga understand now like I do. Its a verification I don't have to give myself...the program gives it in support like holding a lantern up in front of my footsteps in progress. I read your share and the title I think of is "my recovery". Keep coming back...you're growing really well. ((((Hugs))))
My favorite slogan is LIVE (& let live). When I focus on the first part of the slogan and get busy going about living which includes self-care, relaxation and some fun stuff I find the 2nd part of the slogan just seems to happen. I too try to surround myself with as many positive people as possible and to limit contact with the negative nellies who range from wallowing in self-pity to those who are plain nasty.
One area that I sometimes struggle with is sponsorship of the newcomers. To many drunk logs and listening to a bunch of A bashing brings me back to my own "dark" side and that's when I really have to go back and dig in my step-work. Step 11 is my favorite and I have made it a habit to start my day with it as a I have my morning coffee. I can sure tell it if I skip a day or two. I still have to be sure that I take care of Me and do not spread myself to thin, lest I relapse into old behaviors myself. I have learned that to be of service to others I am at my best when I have engaged in self care. It is not a selfish act.
__________________
IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
