Help? - Al-Anon Family Group

Cool82 · Newbie

Help?

ladee · Member

there will be a meeting in the chat room in about ten minutes..... go there and see if that helps.... welcome....

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome cool:

you are in the right place. The meetings here (online) and face to face where I live have helped me a lot and may help you as well. It is daunting to look at a long marriage, the history, kids, dogs, cats etc but it was very helpful to me in that situation to being working on myself and Alanon meetings and literature and the experience, strength and hope of others was extremely helpful as well.

you are not alone

yanksfan

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Don't have but a second but I wanted to welcome you to the board and tell you that I could have written your post. So many similarities right down to the number of years married. Just wanted to reassure you that you are in the right place to start understanding what the heck is going on and realize that if he is a sinking ship, you and the family don't have to go down along with him. Meetings have been suggested and I would also recommend to you the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. There are a lot of excerpts available online if you google it.

Cool82 · Newbie

Everything came to a head last night and I am totally overwhelmed and emotional. I had a hard time following the on-line meeting rules etc. so I was in and out and mostly just "listened." I appreciate the reference to the book and am trying to dig up what I can in terms of support materials. I know this isn't my fault and that it's the alcohol making him put this on me but youser. Tough day.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

You may want to call your local Al-Anon to where where there are face to face meetings. Between the online meetings here, going to face to face meetings, possibly some counseling and reading all of the material it will all help. It is a lot to absorb and so hard. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

What I found really helpful about this recovery process is that no one pressured me to leave my A. We each get to decide what is the right path for ourself. I was spinning a deep hole into the ground last year with depression, obsession, anger, resentment, despair, you name it. Try to find a starting place for yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you can get used to alanon, everything will become clear and you will be able to figure out what you want to do. This is really good help if you decide to give it to yourself, Lyne

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Welcome to MIP~

I'm glad you made the meeting and even if you don't share, please keep coming back and listening:)

There is soooo much experience, Strength & hope here!!

Al-Anon saved my life, my childrens lives & my marriage as a bonus!!

Here is a link for some readings:) http://12stepsthinkaboutit.org/category/daily-readings/courage-to-change/

and there are meetings at 9 EST at night as well if you hadn't seen that yet:)

~HUGS to YOU, you are not alone anymore~

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome to mip.

Well meetings here or face to face in your community would help you a lot. Going to family members at this point most likely will make your life worse.

You are new at this so I am going to tell you my experience in Al Anon.

First his is sick with a real disease of addiction. His dna most likely gave him the predispositiong to be one. he did not choose it, he cannot just stop it, not drinking will almost make it worse unless he chooses to and also goes to detox, rehab, then 90 meetings in 90 days. Then it takes a very long time before he is comfortable in his own skin, if he ever is.

It is not personal, has nothing to do with you anymore than if he had any other disease. Except with this one, he cannot stop until he is so sick he will do anything not to be sick anymore. this could mean losing everything. home, family, legal to drive etc.He cannot just stop. the alcohol is just a symptom of the disease. when they can go into a personal recovery program it treats the whole person. but he needs to make the call and everything.

so there is no surprise in anything he does. it is all part of the disease. They are in denial, they honestly do not see where they are with the disease. they lie and believe their own lies. can be falling down drunk andswear they have not drank, and they mean it, they do no realize the truth.

So for us? Its none of our business, Al Anon teaches us we can only change ourselves, his life is his business, to get into it, we destroy any relationship that might be left. He still has the right to his dignity, he is not a child. He is a very sick man.

We learn to focus on our lives not the horror that is his alone. We make sure we are healthy and happy. We do our best to change things so we don'tlose our homes, cars, lives. etc.

We learn to detach from his illness. My way was I knew he was sick, I knew he felt more guilt than I ever would, I had been in love with him all my life, I felt compassion. I just loved him period. the smell did not bother me, we still held hands even if he was drunk. If he got mean or obnoxious I took care of me, just would say lovingly hey I am going out to the barn. or whatever I loved to do.

Its not easy, yet it is. Our kids were grown so I gleaned as much time as I could just to have him home. I supported him in every way. financially, everything. I would never get a loan with him, never put his name on the house.

I looked for the good in him. once I detached from the disease and being resentful, hurt, mad, snoopy all that I saw my husband a bit longer. there was no sex, but lots of intimacy. he was my best friend. SAdly he had a brain surgery, brain damaged. so he got horribly abusive so that was the end. for us. He chose to move in with this woman of ill repuke, adultery so I divorced him.

killed me.

so then I picked up my life after LOTS of obstacles. MIP here the people carried me thru.

Its not our business to tattle tail onhim. People will know about it when they do. HE is much more than his disease.you may want to be more frugal, cut out as much fluff if you can, if you have it. maybe refinance, or sell and move. You may want to chose to prepare yourself for when he is sicker.

the disease can get soooo much worse. HIs body is saturated with alcohol where it needs water, organs start dying, slowly. We can do nothing. If he does not get to where he can get help, and he cannot do it with out it, he will get dui's so you may want to protect yourself from that. his name not on things that you can get sued for and taken away.

we talk about boundaries, it is up to you. lets say you can live with him as is, but not him coming in at two am. So a boundary would be: HOney I need a boundary to be happy. I need to sleep, so if you are not home by oh eleven I am locking the doors up and you can do elsewhere to sleep. that is just an example. Or I don't want anyone to have alcohol in the house. not pointing at him, avoid the word you, if it is in the house and I see it, I will put it outside or throw it away. you always want a consequense.

It takes us awhile to learn all this! Its a different life with an A. We cannot depend, trust, rely on them one bit. they are horribly sick.

so we use our skills and stay with them and hope its better. we leave it the same and it gets worse and worse, or we or they leave. simple and as hard as that.

this is my experience in a lifetime of loving my ex AH since he was 18 years old. He is 62 now, totally brain damaged, has had oral cancer, brain tumor, fell down stairs, cut his hair all weird and more, wrecked cars 8 or 9 duis been to jail and prison.

he was the gentlest sweet man, played a guitar better thatn Jimi Henrix or any country singer, was in california with a friend almost at the top wiht their music. friend died drunk and on herion. He was a great remodel contractor, treated me like a queen, loved animals and supported my animal sanctuary, built me a barn and many outside animal homes. Put in three slider doors a ton of windows and a door out of every room. said the house was going to fall down! lol then he went away and his body is rotting away now slowly if he is even still alive. I cannot seem to find out!.

I have been alone now for 12 years or so.

so there you are dearest. take what you want, leave the rest! we do care very much!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Cool

Welcome to Miracles in Progress. II am glad that you reached out for support and have received such powerful responses. I simply wanted to add my welcome and to suggest that there is hope and help available. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings can be found in most communities and the hotline number is listed in the white pages. Please make an effort to find meetings and attend. Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease of alcoholism is imperative to your recovery. Al-Anon tools such as connecting with other members who understand this few others can, living one day at a time focused on ourselves really provides healthy outlets and choices for our days.

Al-Anon encouraged me to be honest open and willing in my relationships. If something bothered me I should share it without blame or criticism. There are many tools that you will develop in Al-Anon that will help you to enrich your life without forcing solutions.

Keep coming back you are not alone

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 28th of February 2014 11:29:05 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You are in the right place, al-anon saved my sanity and gave me tools to live a more serene life. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was also very helpful in my early program. Sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.