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Time for an update. I've come on here a few times over the last week and a half, started to write something, read over it, sighed, deleted it...who'd have thought, me with nothing to write? lol. I just haven't had much...I dunno...spirit or something.
That first week was horrible. I didn't speak to anyone aside from enquiry phone-calls that seemed to go no-where. Didn't leave the house. Wanted to be anywhere but here and yet barely left my bedroom (obviously I tended to my daughter's needs and then in the evenings we retreat to my room to watch tv or read or learn french together which she has decided we are doing now )so I've been doing the bare minimum but not much else). I was so angry with myself, jumping at shadows, screaming when I saw something move in the corner of my eye, waking with huge gasps if I heard a noise, so dizzy, numb hands and feet, heart palpitations and eye twitching and wanting nothing but sleep sleep sleep and didn't seem to be able to summon the energy to so much as walk the dog around the block. Truly ready for a mental hospital. And just hating myself for not being able to drag myself out of the fog, find some energy and get moving and find a damn solution. It truly was miserable. I don't think I experienced a single emotion all that week other than shame. (And if you're thinking "%^&^ Mel, that's pathetic, well thats what I have been thinking too. I'm way ahead of you).
Then on Sunday after a week of getting nowhere I spilled the beans to my friend. She works as a DV counsellor so although I knew she was the best person to talk to, I hadn't been able to bring myself to do it...I expected her to be angry with me for letting myself go, for hiding in my room, for not dumping my animals and moving to a women's shelter in Siberia (which seems the only option when you look at availability anywhere near me). In short I expected her to kick my ass, call me a horrible mother and make me feel bad or maybe threaten me (not thinking clearly, obviously) but in the end I figured once I'd spoken to her I'd be forcing myself into accountability or something. I don't know, I was in a pretty freaking awful frame of mind, just hating myself but feeling paralyzed and sick. And feeling suspicious of everybody. I figured I'd better talk to someone even if the results were going to be awful. Please understand, I am not waiting to be forced, I just felt like actually putting the horrible truth out there to someone who knows and cares about us (our daughters are good friends) would give me something sharp to poke myself with since I have been feeling so dazed and numb. Keeping it all secret makes it so easy to dumb it down and pretend it isn't real. I don't know if that makes any sense.
But anyway she didn't do any of that. She talked me through how people respond to trauma, what was making me feel so sick and drained and jumpy, what hormones etc are involved, how I couldn't possibly fight it off with willpower alone, how important self-care is, what I can do to start making my body work with me instead of against me....no ass-kicking just a lot of love and helpful information. And she's pretty spiritual so some good spiritual stuff too. Maybe she had enough faith in me to know that once I was thinking and feeling like a human being again, I'd be capable of making the right choices. Anyway I came away from that conversation feeling better already. She was also pretty cluey about useful safety plans and reminded me that I can go there anytime WITH dog and cat if things show any signs of becoming dangerous. (She lives a few streets away). We've talked a little subsequently about the effects on my daughter, how kids feel when they grow up around this stuff (really hits home since I grew up around it too). She's awesome; somehow manages to help me see really painful realities and I walk away feeling good about what I am realising instead of miserable.
The other reason I felt bad about talking to her is that she does this stuff for a job. So what sort of a friend asks for freebies? I still haven't quite reconciled that fact. Every time we get together I make a concerted effort to talk about light happy stuff, when I know we are getting together I actually prepare myself to be in a positive "no sad talk" mindset and in the end she asks pointed questions and shows concern and we end up talking about my crap. So that comes naturally to her and since I'm so screwed up and needy I always have so much crap to talk about... I've always felt bad about that as it is so asking her for help with a big problem really feels like taking advantage. I figure as she's staying in daily contact with me since I spoke to her I'll ask for her help in finding a good counsellor who deals with trauma/DV and then I won't be in danger of wrecking a friendship. I don't have many of those; they're important.
Anyway afterwards I had my first conversation with ABF since "the incident" and there was a lot of yelling (mostly from me, after a week of silence I guess that was inevitable although not at all helpful and probably exactly what he wanted...oops, inventory taking? I've just become aware of what this concept actually means) followed by some good talking and his agreement to leave the house. Since I had made tentative arrangements with another lady and her daughter to share a house and since he agreed to leave, her moving in here seemed the perfect option. Perfect and easy. I cried a little that he was really leaving but also felt a little bit happy and relieved which REALLY surprised me. I was on cloud 9 all night once I got over the sad feelings, thinking about how we would reorganise the house, how it would all work.
But then at 5am he crawled into bed with me and I was shocked, told him no and he was angry and hurt, goodbye positive mind-set and hello confusion.
Next morning he kissed me on the head when he left for work and "see you tonight babe, I love you".
Sigh. Stressed all monday, do we have to have the conversation again? Or do I just find another house? I'm so very sick of giving time and energy to this problem. I contacted the lady and told her he is quite possibly going to leave, do you want to move in here or if he doesn't go, find another place together and she emphatically said YES. (She's not fleeing a bad situation or anything, just living in a crappy place with a bad landlord and very keen to move into a nicer place). He came home all sulky because he wanted to spend time with me, had a great game for us to play together.....so, again the conversation, calmly this time...that I do not want to live in the same home as him any longer and one of us needs to leave, he agreed it would be him, he seemed to really get it...this time...
and the next day again, him sucking up and trying to act like everything is great, again with the conversation, the "fine I'll leave just give me a few weeks".....reality slowly dawned on me.
...and he came home again today acting like everything is perfectly fine. So although I can't know exactly what he thinks, I assume he just thinks he messed up extra bad this time and if he's very very quiet and very very nice, I'll forgive him eventually.
I do realise that it's stupid thinking I can reason with him or make him understand and just go away. But since he's not drinking (well, nothing more than beer which is his version of not drinking) he SEEMS reasonable. Eager to agree with me I guess. I've been dumb to buy into it, I know. It will go on indefinitely so with a big sigh I have to accept that the nice easy option of he moves out and another house-mate moves in isn't going to happen, I'm still going to have to find a new place, at least I have someone to split the rent with. That's a pretty huge bonus. Pretty sure she'll be happy to give me driving practice too, I can mind her daughter while she works, I can see it working well, she adores our dog, she has a cat that can fight it out with my cat, won't that be fun? and if it doesn't work, I figure it will be a lot easier to dissolve the situation and move on than the current situation is. It's all so huge. I wish I could find some energy, some joy, something to feel positive about. (Like an envelope full of money?) I guess that will come in time. I know I will feel better when I am not within the same 4 walls as He Who Must Not Be Named. Just knowing he is here, thinking it's all going to continue as normal once I "get over it" makes me feel so stressed. She (lady I am going to share with) has found a house she wants me to look at and I would have called her to get it happening today but then daughter came home and told me that their favourite horse had to be put down and they are both quite inconsolable and her daughter had even missed a day of school because of it. So it wasn't appropriate to talk to her today, I gather she is taking it very hard. I simply texted her that I am so sorry to hear about her horse.
Anyway.
I know how very different I am to how I used to be because in the past when there have been "incidents" the only thing I wanted was to curl up in his arms and pretend it never happened. I know how very sad that is but that was how I was, and he would use that power to reject me for weeks after an abusive outburst until I was apologising to him and practically begging for forgiveness for whatever it was that he feels I did to "make him" behave like that. But those events used to occur when I was drinking with him and I would have been arguing and giving as good as I got. This time I had done absolutely nothing and yet afterwards he kept screaming at me "why did you do this? Why did you make me do that?" and the complete and utter insanity of it really truly hit home for me. Anyway I don't feel like that this time, haven't felt like it for a moment. I don't want to be near him. I don't want things to go back to normal. I don't want us to ever "make up" over this because something in me just can't degrade myself like that now. It's a weird new feeling. And if I feel even the slightest bit of weakness or think "maybe if he just keeps to himself I won't have to do anything" I just have to look at daughter to realise why that just can't be.
Anyway that's where I am at. Angry about a lot of things, like all of the unpaid bills that I know I am going to have to somehow cover by myself, our water will be shut off in 3 days if I don't find $450, the gas is also due to be shut off any day (another $500) The phone and internet also any day now, I already PAID my share and more of those bills but his half remains unpaid, the fact that he smashed my $300 pair of glasses and now I am wearing a $5 pair of reading glasses and squinting and having headaches every time I need to read or type something, it's hard enough to pull the money together to move and suddenly daughter's expenses are through the roof, surf lessons, school camp, new uniform, delinquent notices for school fees, he took the lightbulb from the laundry for his room and every time I walk into the laundry and flick the switch I feel a surge of rage (instead of remembering to just buy a new bulb and put it in). Angry at the mess, the unmown lawns, angry at all of it in a way I've never been angry at it before, angry in a sense that I just don't want to live with it anymore. Angry that I was doing great, feeling great, full of energy and getting back into study with lots of enthusiasm and bang, he got drunk and I've been reduced to a barely-functioning mess, and he doesn't even remember it and doesn't understand what all of the fuss is about. Angry that I held it together for so long and exhausted myself. Angry that I just kept at it year after year when there was nothing good about it and I knew there never would be. And once again SO freaking angry that he destroyed my glasses. I needed those damn things. Being able to see is kind of important. During one of our talks I mentioned it to him and he got angry and said "do you realise that I have arrest warrents for my unpaid fines? Not going to prison is more important than your glasses". As if he will pay his fines anyway. And yet when his mother needed new glasses he was happy to give her the $500 she said she needed (what, does she need glasses made from diamonds?) anyway lots of things to be angry about, if I set my mind to it.
But angry doesn't help and on the bright side, I've found that I can acknowledge my anger now, accept it, and then do something productive rather than throw a tantrum and then add guilt to anger. I read something interesting about secondary emotions the other day that struck home for me. Can't remember where I read it exactly, something to do with CBT but anyway the idea being that you feel certain emotions in response to feeling an initial emotion, ie every time I get angry I then feel guilt and shame for the anger. When I thought about that it made me realise how that in turn makes me feel like whatever I was angry about was my own fault. Interesting how these simple things can be pointed out to you and suddenly it becomes possible to change it. I'm doing OK at just being with my anger, thinking about what I can DO about each situation and letting it subside.
I'm sorry that I haven't logged on to report that daughter and I are now living somewhere else and that I am feeling fantastic and positive and ready for a wonderful new life. I wish that was what I was coming here to say but the reality is this is hard, and sad, and filled with obstacles. I'm doing the best I can.
Thank-you all for being there.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Wednesday 26th of February 2014 11:53:23 AM
Thanks for the update Melly. You are amazed that nobody is going to kick your butt for not reaching out, aren't you? I identify with that! I get stuck in those patterns all the time. They are so hard to get out of!
It sounds like you are making progress, you now have a plan B (go over to the counselor's house if needed) and a plan A (get the heck out of where you are).
The problem with plans is they rarely all happen at once, they do take time to unfold. So use us and the DV counselor, for sounding and venting as you go.
Sending you support and good wishes from the middle of the US
Kenny
PS I'm still amazed at what a damn courageous woman you are!
(((Melly))) I related to your post on several levels, over several years. Your feelings and emotions. You are not alone. There are so many of us on this journey, same as you, just at different levels of recovery. I have been meaning to tell you.... Recovery looks good on you! Wishing the very best for you and your daughter....
How often I forget to look at how far I have come and instead set my eyes on how far I must go. Be gentle to yourself. I have often found myself checking in here to see word that you are still coming back here to get the love and encouragement you so deserve. It is a journey to which we all support each other. There is no magic wand that changes everything overnight. I have seriously lacked patience sometimes with myself at not doing all the things I think I should have done by now....oops there is the should have's.. that no longer matter. Rest, and take care of yourself.
I am so happy to hear from you and to know that you are well and have some support living close by. The feelings that you described are very familiar and a direct result of living with the disease of alcoholism. I really do know that this disease not only wants the alcoholic dead but us as well.
That you fulfilled your obligation to your daughter as best you could but could not reach out and change the situation is understandable. Your wisdom in sharing with your friend showed a great deal of courage. Your friend showed you kindness compassion and empathy. She did not do what the negative voices in your head said she would do. This is how our disease keeps us stuck.
The Courage to Change today speaks to the fact that "shame "and not forgiving ourselves for past mistakes is a negative tool that we use to hateourselves. It points out that being human, we make mistakes and that if we learn from these mistakes we grow. Their is no need to feel as if we have to be perfect. The thought for the day summed it all up very nicely;" The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well".
Please keep coming back, sharing your asset and your gratitude because eventually you will begin to feel that self-love that is so very important. I am glad you're here
I could relate to how you feel and that horrible shame, you never need to feel it here Melly because we so get it, we know it and live it or have lived it. You are doing the best you can with what you know and that's enough. We are so hard on ourselves. I also, thought of you when I read today's reading. Glad you were able to get it out. Thanks for sharing.x
Melly, I have had that experience, too. Over time I learned to give myself the same benefit we give our children. They don't act in their own interest always, but we strive to get them to learn from the more challenging consequences. I am worth that, too. No reason for rebuke with your last week. You did nothing wrong.
It's just unbelievably good that your great friend is a DV counselor and she coaxes it out of you. What a benefit. I am grateful for her in your life.
OFf topic, as I was reading your post today on my all-too-small monitor, I thought it's ALWAYS worth a hunt around my house to find my glasses when you have something new up on the board. Then you started talking about glasses and later the diamond glasses. Thanks for the laugh.
you are doing the best you can - sometimes that is all you can do.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I'm sure that lots and lots of people here are thinking about you and are concerned. I know I do. You are way far away from me but feel my arms of love and concern are reaching out to hold you close and keeping you safe.
Let go Let God......
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
((((Melly)))) Good update and share!!! I can relate in a very big way. The fear, shame, isolating, negative self-talk, the anger, etc- are all the ways the disease creates and perpetuates the insanity, pins us down, and rips us apart. I'm so glad you reached out to someone who can connect and cares. I understand how you feel and being on both sides of the coin myself, I'm confident that she was so grateful that you reached out to her and accepted her friendship and help. You are blessed that she has this capacity and she is blessed for having your friendship.
For so long and even still now, my fear of things becoming worse because of my insecurity that I could sustain myself without my A. I see your courage growing stronger and your choices each day to take care of yourself. Keep on keeping on and no matter what puddle of fear you need to confront, HP, Alanon, and MIP are here with you. I can say that life events have forced me (like shock therapy for avoidance) to confront some of my deepest, largest fears- and- doing this rocked me big time, but, still, it wasn't what I thought. Letting go and rolling with the uncertainty has brought people into my path from out of the wood work to step in, support me, and encourage me along. Today, I'm not financially where I want to be, I don't currently have a significant other, and I'm rebuilding from the ground up. I've had to let go of a lot, but I'm ok. I hope my rebuilding can bring the things that will help me shape my life how I want and there's something very freeing in that. My daughter witnesses my journey, has her own struggles from recovery, and we enjoy a very rich Mom- daughter relationship that includes our being best friends with each other.
I'm also working on shame and guilt and I'm often told that they're not part of the program. Deep inside me there is a belief that I "should" be able to ______. Fill in the blank with anything from small to great to totally impossible. Why I expect myself to have that much fortitude to endure beyond the realm of normal expectations is not the exact point to ponder; but more, reseting the bar of expectation. Change comes slowly, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Please be gentle with yourself. Your awareness is bringing you forward with an authenticity that will serve you and your daughter well.
I've made plenty of mistakes. We're all human. Learn what you can from any mistakes and have the courage to make changes that bring you better; let the mistakes remain in the past and focus on the now and keep doing the next right thing.
Melly, I know that stuck feeling so well. It sounds as if the universe is helping you get into a place where moving is more comfortable than staying. If you leave in the next three days, it sounds as if you'll avoid paying money you shouldn't or avoid having to live without water and gas, while leaving your A to experience the consequences of his decisions, which always felt satisfying to me.
I hear a whole lot of the feelings I know very well, such as "It's really my fault because I should be incredibly strong" and "I shouldn't bother other people with these things." In my case it was "I shouldn't bother other people with these things because they really don't know how to advise me in a situation like this." In your case it's "I shouldn't bother other people with these things because they know how to advise me in a situation like this"! Remember your friend is probably in her job because she's a natural at it and derives great rewards from being able to help people at an important juncture in their lives so don't withhold those rewards from her.
Wishing you every kind of strength as you move forward.
Melly, I am a counselor and I also have a counselor. To give, I have to be able to receive. When I first started in AA, it also coincided with my break up with the ex A. I had to move and people from AA literally gave me furniture to restart my life. They just wanted to help me to get to a safe spot to work my recovery and that is what I did.
I can relate on so many levels and love that you are working your way through the tough stuff in your time, don't forget to lean on your HP. I am sending you lots of love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi Melly, I can also relate to your words. you are going at a pace that works for you. Please be safe, good that you have an action plan in place to support your safety. Please keep reaching out for support, isolation makes it much harder. Hugs.
)so I've been doing the bare minimum but not much else). I was so angry with myself, jumping at shadows, screaming when I saw something move in the corner of my eye, waking with huge gasps if I heard a noise, so dizzy, numb hands and feet, heart palpitations and eye twitching and wanting nothing but sleep sleep sleep and didn't seem to be able to summon the energy to so much as walk the dog around the block. Truly ready for a mental hospital. And just hating myself for not being able to drag myself out of the fog, find some energy and get moving and find a damn solution. It truly was miserable. I don't think I experienced a single emotion all that week other than shame. (And if you're thinking "%^&^ Mel, that's pathetic, well thats what I have been thinking too. I'm way ahead of you).
Wishing the very best for you and your daughter....