Not good at relying on other people..... - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Not good at relying on other people.....

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs my friend .. I have learned to have a plan B. I don't make plans with more than one person however if it doesn't work out I still go forward with just me. I'm therapy I have also learned that the coping/survival skills I have had to have early on don't work and its not trial and error for what works. I trust myself and my higher power. I trust others to be human and imperfect just like me. I'm trying to be ok with that .. some days better than others lol. Hugs s ;)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a problem for me too. I am trying to place more trust in people, instead of my basic position of never trusting anyone. However, the number of people who are over-busy or just plain flaky seems to be enormous. If I cut them all out of my life, I'd hardly have anyone left. It is discouraging to set something up and be counting on it and then have them cancel at the last minute, or forget about it entirely. This happens on pretty much a weekly basis. I am struggling with figuring out how to stay balanced and in touch with people while not counting on them if they're shown signs of flakiness.

That said, I arranged to have lunch with someone last week, and my work called a mandatory meeting at that exact time. So I rescheduled lunch for this week, and then my work insisted I had to make a presentation at that exact time. So now I've cancelled twice on her! She's gone very quiet and I think she must be upset. So one way I'm trying to deal with this whole situation of unreliable people is to be aware of my own unreliability and to try my best to live up to what I want to see from other people. (Obviously this one case hasn't gone well, and I feel awful about it.)

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Breakingfree,

I've had that self sufficiency thing for as long as I can remember and I know that it is sometimes good and sometimes not so good. It works in the sense that if I plan to go to a movie with a friend and they have to cancel then I can go ahead and see the movie, or even do something else if I prefer. I have learnt to love these unexpected gifts of me-time! I think that not taking it personally when others show tendencies for human 'failings' is very important as well and in most cases they are just having to deal with their own stuff. I imagine that applying that latitude to myself might be helpful as well

However not relying on others does sometimes keep me out on a limb somewhat and it shuts the door on that nice feeling that I get when someone comes through for me. One of my goals for this year is to, at least once, trust in the kindness of someone else (is that possible without expectation?!?) and see what happens. I think that living with AH has caused me to loose some of my vulnerability (heavy armour) and I'd like to open that door a little while I still remember that sometimes good things do come in!

Thanks for the opportunity to think about this a little.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This is what made me not trust, depend on or expect anything from anyone. I don't distrust either. What I mean is, I am just glad if they show up. If I don't like how someone is that is my right, it is their right to be who and what they are, I am not around them anymore.

It is rare to have friends you know will show up. I have been blessed to have some in my life, yet I let some go too. Maybe I kept my time and love for those special people, didn't waste my energy on the others. I still care very much for them, only do not want them in my life.

I know you feel let down, frustrated. I can see what makes you that way. I always do what I am going to do. I have gone to dinner alone, movies, the state fair, shopping, well about everything. Almost everywhere I am listening and talking to people. So I don't usually feel alone.

tomorrow a friend is taking me to lunch. I know she will show up. If she didn't, I would just get it to go. We have been friends about 40 years. (c: We used to hang out together, my husband and I and her and hers same with my other friend. Both however being married, me a widow.....things changed. I accepted that a long time ago.

I never knew a friendship could end. but they can.

I set up a lunch a month for 3 friends and I. when I got down sweetpea, I was griping that if I don't set it up, no one will! so I stopped, no one wants to see me anyway, pity party. Soooo in my "this is my life" change..haha I am setting them up again and being glad none of us are dead! lol

One has been my dear dear friend for ugh 49 years!!!!! omg. We are those pretty, happy, laughing older ladies in the corner! (c:

you will find people who are dependable. Also this world is so hard, so full of stress and pressures, people just cannot keep up anymore. I believe too, we might need to tell people how important it is to you if they make a commitment, it means so much to you they show up. We teach how we want to be treated.

this is such a precious time in your life, soon you will be at your career running the show! Think back..... You were dependable, that is all you can control. hugs!

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a process for me as well. I have come to think that if we're around someone long enough that there will be a time of disappointment in some way. However, it doesn't have to become a large drama. I can choose to say that I'm disappointed and it doesn't feel good and get on with the rest of my day. I know I 've disappointed others- rightly or wrongly- I'm very human. Now comes an issue of how to place our trust without becoming overly attached to them or outcomes. I think of Alanon as giving us what we need to be vulnerable - as it is in our vulnerability that our genuine character dwells- and balancing this with knowing how to protect ourselves whenever needed. So, it's ok to be vulnerable and it's not going to be devastating. If we know who we are and can remain centered, that's who we will be in a crisis too- and this means being able to handle the disappointment, learn from it, and move on. As some posters pointed out, sometimes the issue is with the other person and then, this would be their workshop to do with their HP.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

I needed to hear this today. Thanks

Living with the A was a draining and tiring experience to say the least. Only now, am I truly accepting and detaching from the fact that I cannot count on him for anything. It is an extremely frustrating time in my life right now with him.

The fact he never provided what he should have for me (neither of my parents did) left me feeling unworthy and hopeless about my prospects for the future. I made many decisions based on his advice and guess what? He was a miserable drunk! Lol I couldnt count on him to give me solid guidance or advice.his own advice didnt even work for him. Talk about not being able to count on anyone. I have truly been going at everything alone.

Many of the decisions I made based on his advice left me in debt, emotionally bankrupt, lonely and frustrated.

Everything I have done for myself without his assistance has worked for the better.Geez, do I really need him in that capacity in my life?

Hes my father and hes the only one I have and yes I still want him in my life, I just keep looking to him for answers that I wont get and its time to have faith my in me and my gut and my higher power.

Thats a very scary notion, not having anyone but hes followed his advice and look at him now. He is a lonely 56 year old man with an alcohol problem.

One mantra that I have been sticking by recently has been show me your friends and Ill show you your future. Surround yourself with people who have similar recovery and life goals as you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to that feeling. Feeling as if the world is mad. I can feel this way often. My friends can say and do the most annoying things. I feel as if I can see the insanity in them now, its like now I know what im looking for its right there to see.

I like how the program talks about us being part of the world, flowing with it, gliding smoothly along rather than fighting against it. People are so complex in terms of what motivates them, their deep rooted issues, their interpretations. We dont know, cant know the answers so I try not to waste time analysing. When I feel this way, wanting to escape to another planet for a while and get away I know its time to look within, maybe there is a little bit of recovery growth to do or maybe its just how your feeling and will pass like it always does.x

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

It seems the healthier we get, the higher our standards of self respect. You're right, you do deserve reliable people in your life who can show up. The first friends I found who kept their word were in Alanon. We know how important it is to follow through on promises or at least give someone an explanation. My sponsor was the first person to consistently show up for me. She showed me that even with being pretty much a stranger to her, I was worth keeping, worth not abandoning and it restored my hope that there were good people out there who cared about me. I try to carry that lesson forward with others in the program.

It takes time to get to know people and for them to be worthy of our trust. I have a few good friends. I can count them on only one hand but it's about quality not quantity. I'd like to have more good friends like these but it takes time investing time to get to know someone and establish a bond. I may be wrong but people seem to be a lot less interested in cultivating REAL friendships now. Just like you, my family is very limited. It's important to me to be connected personally, for someone to notice if I'm missing at an Alanon meeting and give me a call or missing from anywhere for that matter - to care if I'm alive or dead. Maybe I'm even more sensitive to this than most due to not having family who will be doing this. The few very good friends I have will do this and I'm grateful. I'm grateful hp has brought a few of them to me. I don't need many, I just need good ones. I began to believe that since I didn't have any friends left who'd I'd grown up with and left all the dysfunctional connections to people from my former marriage behind, I wasn't likely going to find true friendships at this point in my life but hp surprised me. Keep being your thoughtful and kind self. There are good people out there looking for a friend like you. ((((hugs)))) TT

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I do have friends I can count on. There are others in my life with whom I am friendly, but that is as far as it goes. If somebody breaks a confidence of mine, it doesn't mean they aren't somebody I can't enjoy. It just means they aren't somebody who can keep a confidence so I watch what I share with that person. I find my confidence can be broken most often by wives who think that what I share with them is meant to be shared with their husbands, too. I have one married friend who is trusted and true who never reveals anything about me or what I've said to her husband. She also doesn't share the same e-mail address with him. She is healthy. She has her own life. She also has a life that she shares with her husband and never reveals to me nor would I put her in a position to do that. It takes me very little time to figure out if somebody is going to be a friend of mine or friendly with me. I just listen to what they say about others. If they share things about friends or people they know in my presence when I hardly know them, I know that if they can't keep a confidence or have such low self-esteem they fill up relationship building time talking about other people, they won't be dependable in other areas either. That doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them people I can enjoy without believing we're going to be good friends.

As far as self-sufficiency, I do count on myself a lot, but I also have people I can turn to who'll do for me what I can't do for myself. I don't know if this is a problem or not but I also tend to do mainly those things that I won't need to depend on others to come through on with me or for me. Since I can't have expectations of others, I don't want to put myself into positions where I'm going to lose a great deal if the other person or persons can't or don't follow through on plans. I have little patience for people who say one thing and do another so I will make plans with somebody once or twice and after that no plans if they fail to come through repeatedly. Life's too short for me to try to build a relationship with someone who isn't capable of mature behavior.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 25th of February 2014 11:09:45 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks all this is great ESH and I just got home from my al-anon meeting and it just always helps me to put things in perspective! I got my flow back tonight with God leading the way! We laughed tonight at the meeting so much and we all needed it, it was so lovely! I hope you all feel as refreshed as I do after having such an off spurt of time here just feeling wonky. I took care of me today and got a massage, got to a meeting and had girlfriend time with someone who is very trusted and it just makes me feel so good.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

That's great news! Enjoy and keep on keeping on!

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