Very conflicted... - Al-Anon Family Group

Turricane · Newbie

Very conflicted...

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, Turricane. I'm glad you have discovered us and I'm glad you have shared your feelings and your progress. It takes time to work through a lot of this trauma and it takes time to find ourselves again. It sounds to me as if you are well on your way to doing that. One of the benefits to this program is learning to live one day at a time. I, too, experienced tension headaches and chest tightness when faced with some really difficult decisions I needed to make. I have learned that attending meetings, daily program work, meeting with a therapist who is also an addictions specialist, and developing a support network of people who have lived with this problem in an Easy Does It fashion helped me make good decisions that were in my best interest better than trying to find a solution that would work now and for all time. Both my x and my son were cross-addicted alcoholics. I chose to separate myself physically from both of them due to behaviors that were incredibly threatening to my well-being, but it took me awhile to arrive at those decisions. I see you have been attending Al-Anon in earnest for 8 months. We can't set boundaries until we're truly ready to do that. Please be kind to yourself by not expecting more of yourself than you can do now. Progress not perfection is the most we can expect of ourselves. I understand the pain, the loneliness and the hopelessness and I know that in time it does pass with program work and self-care. Keep coming back here, too. Many of us have felt the same as you do now and don't anymore. You're not alone. You're in the right place.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Turricane

Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am pleased that you shared and have been attending alanon meetings and know the power and value of the program.

The feelings you describe are very familiar to me and to many who live with or have d lived with the disease of alcoholism. The serenity prayer repeated over and over in my head,making alanon calls to my sponsor or a alanon friend, repeating a slogan or reading alanon literature at such a time helped me to regain my true self and stay with my inner courage, serenity and wisdom

Now that you found us you can always come here, read, share go to the chat room or an on line meeting and connect. The main idea is to continue to take care of yourself using program tools and trusting HP.

You are not alone.

Turricane · Newbie

Thank you for your very kind and well thought out response. It means a lot that you took the time to read the abridged version of my ugly tale and respond with relevant and meaningful words and concepts. I will certainly heed your suggestions, as I have been trying to do, and most of all, maintain the belief that things will eventually get better "in his time".

The pain you have experienced, and the lessons you have learned and willingly shared are truly a gift. Thank you and may God bless you.

Turricane · Newbie

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the short version of my horror story, and your thoughtful and insightful comments. Your sharing and genuine concern is truly a gift from God in my time of need, and I am blessed to have received it, and you are blessed to be able to provide it. May God continue to watch over you and guide you each day. Again, thank you so much.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Brother...welcome to the board, Aloha!! You gotta know that "growing a set" isn't a deterent to alcoholism and drug addiction. I've seen the disease take down many macho testosterone laden men in my time. Alcoholism affects the 4 levels of mind, body, spirit and emotions and I would suggest you look for a good sponsor if you don't already have one. Good sponsorship made all the difference in the world to me and is probably the reason that I'm still breathing and standing upright. Trusting my own ego and pride made the ride more painful and crazy until my first sponsor fired me and turned me over to a guy who knew how it was to be done. I've forever grateful. In support. ((((hugs)))) smile

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Turricane,

Keep up the good work. I get emotionally intimidated by my AW, and therefore often am not able to stick by decisions that I make. Recently I was given a new insight by someone in the chat room that I am giving her permission to judge me, I am the only one that can give that permission, and I am the only one that can take it away. Wow, ding ding ding went the little bell that told me we have a winning insight!

However, the revocation of that permission - well, I am still working on it. Insight is one thing, and without we can't go forward, but putting it into practice is hard. I truly understand how it can take awhile, because it certainly does me.

Another conclusion has been that she will do what she will do. I can't force her to do anything. It took a lot of work from me, her mom, and her therapist to talk her into inpatient the first time, and it took 10 days of jail time to get her to go the second time.

Third conclusion was that letting her hit bottom, although a huge disruption to our family, has been the best thing to help her make up her mind to get better. I came home from work early, picked up my child from school, made excuses, sat next to a passed-out woman for a couple years before I came to that conclusion, when I finally understood and committed to it, she got the jail time and is now 100 days sober. The conclusion had been sitting in front of me at a few meetings I had gone to, and some other places, but reading it at the right time in the right frame of mind I finally was able to accept it in my heart. So keep up the reading and meetings, the more exposure to all the concepts the better.

Peace
Kenny

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews were extremely helpful to me in times like these. I am glad you have al-anon face to face and MIP if you have older kids maybe al-ateen could help them deal with this. Sending you love and support!

Turricane · Newbie

I would sincerely like to thank Breaking Free, Kenny F and Jerry F for taking the time to read my post and sharing your personal experience and insights into my circumstance. I am truly amazed at the sincere, appropriate responses I have gotten thus far to my situation. They are truly a gift from God and one of many answers to my prayers.

I wish each of you peace and continued progress with your own situations, and know that sharing your wisdom is a tremendous help and resource to others, and as a volunteer in the local ER for 15+ years, my motto has always been that when you give, you get a lot more in return. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir in saying that, but everyone appreciates recognition and thanks. Blessings to you all.

Turricane

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to your frustration. Im there too really, trying to detach but getting sucked in and falling down. I feel like a wee toddler who is learning to walk, 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Your not alone and you sound like you are getting there with letting go.x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I knew someone well for many years who suffered thru the same thing as you. He stayed for the kids, as where he is, if he left she would get the kids...Fast fw kids are now leaving home. The damage her disease did to those kids is unforgiveable. They never understood all the horrible things she said and did to Dad. They both finally told him at ages over 20!

I don't know your situation, it sounds dangerous. It sounds like boundaries may work well for you. Her disease has her big time, and it is doing its best to intimidate you.It had NOTHING to do with your being a man either.

We suggest boundaries with consequenses. example one could be, If you choose to drink, do not come home if you are under the influence, do not come home unless you are sober.boundary and consequense.

If you choose to commit adultery, the marriage is over. I will file for divorce, you are to move out in a week. whatever....boundaries.

If you stick to your boundaries, she will choose her own path. Be home by six, or I am locking the doors....If she does anything illegal call law enforcement.

We cannot change their behavior, we can only figure out what WE want in our life. We have that right, as she does. I believe in inviting them to go, I mean in my situation. I believe we accept them as is, use our al anon skills and faith. or we leave it as it is, which you have clearly shared that its bad. Or we have them leave or we do.

You do not have to put up with this diseases bolony. A's can honestly believe their own lies, With taking the pills and alcohol, you know her time is short. I grew up in the sixties, believe me I have lost many friends to pills, heroin and drinking at the same time.

As far as your pain and lonliness, it is very ok for you to do whatever your passion is. My son fishes, hikes is outdoorsy. It has filled his life with serenity, also he stands up for injustice, won't take anyone being rude or unfriendly to him. His wife was A, ruined his credit, caused him sooo many problems, yes pills too, yes cheated too. He found "himself" again and gave himself the right to be who and what he wanted to be.

You may like woodworking or whatever. Maybe volunteer somewhere. Habitat for Humanity always needs help, if you can use a hammer or carry lumbar etc you would be needed! Animal shelters and sanctuaries always need help. Men especially. You would meet people and be involved. I don't know how old your kiddo's are but they can be part of it, and or you could find somewhere to leave them where they have things to do.

volunteer at a soup kitchen, a used book store, If you have a pick up rent yourself out to move things for people. I love to read, so go to a library. but the stuff above would help you meet others and develop friendships.

I long for that which you miss too. Was feeling so awful. then realized I have a life, I can do what I want, I don't have to answer to anyone. I want to get involved with the community. I want to open a used book store to support the library, also have a free clothing etc exchange. Always wanted to do that. I want a place where people don't have to jump thru hoops to get help.

I have my animals I love to care for, got to know a couple neighbors very well. Call my son more, call my few friends more. I am being more social. Its hard when you have been beat down for a long time. you can take classes online, learn to tie flies, how to make things....

Her disease does not have to kill you too! that is her business not yours. What are YOU going to do? (c:

btw Getting them sober is volume one. keep coming!! We really do care! love,debilyn

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Turricane)))

Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place! Your story resonates on many levels- I didn't "get" Alanon my first time round either, but eventually learned that this is the only place that understands, provides new perceptions and skill sets, gives the much needed support for a better journey. This is a horrible disease that affects everyone in contact. We can't love or wish them to see reason. I like your idea of setting and implementing boundaries- something that can be predetermined to keep you healthy and out of harm's way. (I have learned I can be good to myself by being giving without sacrificing myself.) Working the program one day at a time, taking care of yourself, detaching and being able to speak and act from a place of love brings the best possible outcomes. Keep coming back!!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.